


Lovers But Not In Love

by Evalangui



Category: Original Work
Genre: Big Brothers, Children, Little Sisters, M/M, Minor Character Death, Off-screen Character Death, Original Character(s), Original Slash, Siblings, Storytelling, Unrequited, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Lust
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-12-21
Updated: 2006-12-21
Packaged: 2017-11-21 23:17:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 61,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/603148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evalangui/pseuds/Evalangui
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ganymides' mother is dead, his father has escaped into work and his baby sister is clinging. Ganymides himself is torn between open rebellion and desperate measures. <br/>Didac's life looks better but the secret he keeps is slowly taking over everything else.</p><p>The only thing they have in common is a little blood but maybe they are the only ones who can help each other.</p><p>Featuring boy kissing, magic, storytelling, little children being clever, parents failing and succeeding and families doing their best.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> These boys are about 17 and it's underage/underage.

*************** 

Summary: Death should be the end, but if you aren't the one who's dead then it’s quite the opposite. For Didac his aunt’s death doesn’t seem quite real but his cousins’ pain is undeniable. For Ganymedes it just doesn't look like there is a way to go on, his mother is gone, and his father gone away and he feels to raw to take care of the little sister that’s all that he has left. Didac's problems have easier solutions but he's just as incapable of seeing them. When they are forced into each others' lives, Didac thinks he might be able to fix something, Ganymedes just wants to break something else.

*************** 

 

 

At first the news that his aunt is dead don't meant much to Didac. His mother's not clouded with pain like when her friend Harmony passed away, she seems shocked and maybe sad but not inconsolable or even in need of console. If his father needs it, he doesn't let it show either. He's not surprised, she wasn't related by blood to either of them and has always lived too far away for their relationship to be more than cordial. 

He hasn't seen his aunt for almost a year, since the yearly family Christmas party, he probably gave her a kiss and a polite smile then like he does every year. It meant nothing, it stills means nothing.

It's said you know how important someone is by the space they leave when they are not longer there and not by how much space they occupy. There's not emptiness in Didac, anywhere, just the vague incommodity for there not being any.

When they tell him his cousins are coming to live with them (because their father is off in some big business nobody seems inclined to specify) Didac cares, after all, he is an only child and has always wanted siblings.

He remembers them as a little girl in a fancy dress and of a boy his own age bended over a Gameboy (that he refused to share). He's been told Ganymedes was his playmate when they were kids but after the Gameboy incident a couple visits (years) ago they have stayed out of each other's way during the visits they pay every year to the grandmother they have in common. 

******

Didac accompanies his parents to the airport, where they find a sullen dark-haired boy he didn't remember as quite that tall or hot and a tiny hyper-active seven-years old girl who jumps in Lilah's arms and has her in her pocket in minutes. 

Didac takes the bag his father passes him and also the hint and doesn't bother the other boy, who very obviously isn't interested in the chit-chat his father is offering. 

When they get home Ganymedes is pretty cross at having to share a room and even more and not sharing it with his sister but Didac's parents are adamant that a girl needs her own space and that Didac's room is more than big enough. 

Didac lets him alone to sulk and starts his career as older brother playing with Mimesi. He would rather share with her, too. 

¤¤¤¤¤¤

The room is barely big enough for two and its excessive order speaks of a recent and intensive tiding. After Didac comes in and sets to work in what Ganymedes reckons must be his homework, his books and papers laying around the desk positioned under the only window (don't they know direct sunlight ruins furniture?) it starts to look more natural. 

He looks around and determines another desk could be fitted in the corner next to the obviously recently added second bed. His cousin looks up and, as if he could read his mind, asks if he wants to use the desk for something. He declines because he hasn't attended his new school yet and has no homework to do and Didac comments they should tell his mother to get another desk for him. Only to realize a second after saying it (this could have something to do with Ganymedes' face) how casually he has mentioned the word “mother” to someone who just lost his and cringes but doesn't apologize. Ganymedes is relieved; he's so tired of condolences.

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤  
This accord of mutual ignorance doesn't work for long. 

Is not that Didac stops getting the message his cousin seems to be broadcasting really loudly (“Sulking: Don't disturb”) but that he realizes the other is not just being difficult but in real pain. 

 

Didac has always been unable to watch other people in pain and let them suffer, it doesn't just make him uncomfortable, it makes him sick. He needs to stop it. His mother says that's what being a good person means but Didac, who's not so gullible, knows this isn't very normal. He knows, he just doesn't care, is who he is and there are worst things he is and has accepted. 

So he tries to be friendly and, predictably, fails miserably. 

His attempts to rile him up so he will let out some of the shit that's obviously troubling him aren't any more successful. Ganymedes looks at him coldly and ignores him so after a while he decides to be a bit more inconspicuous and starts checking Ganymedes is home at time and isn't gone for long. If the other notices, he doesn't protest and Didac is reasonably sure he is not slicing his wrists dramatically or doing drugs, so it will have to do. 

¤¤¤¤¤¤ 

Lilah, though, is not satisfied with her nephew's attitude and tries talking to him about it. Ganymedes refuses to talk about his mother's death or his father's job or anything of any relevance, be it to her, his uncle or the school therapist. After meeting the latest he actually stops talking to his aunt altogether for a few days. Finally she's forced to give up helping him and they return to their routines. 

And then, one day, Lilah is telling someone (probably her friend Kita) about it on the phone when Mimi runs past to receive her brother and cousin. With the door open is easy to overheard, Lilah isn't paying attention and keeps talking and Ganymedes goes very quiet, so quiet Mimesi stops telling him about her gym class and Didac turns to look at him worriedly. 

He is right to be worried, too. It happens very fast, Ganymedes gets up and Mimesi, who was half-hugging him when he was crouching, falls and hurt, maybe because of the floor in her back and probably because of the rejection, starts crying. 

Ganymedes is out the door even before Lilah hears and comes to check on the girl and, when his mother takes Mimi from his arms, Didac hurries to follow him. 

¤¤¤¤¤¤ 

At first Didac thinks he has misinterpreted his cousin's intentions (after following him frequently for two months he expected this eventualities could be avoided), but then he sees him. Ganymedes is sitting on the top of one of the metal towers in the playground, looking up at the not yet completely dark sky with a lost expression and clutching the iron bars more as if he wanted to tear them out than as support.

Didac scolds himself mentally, it is not the moment to admire neither his muscled arms nor the delicate line of his jaw, it is the moment to extend a hand, and this time he has an offer the other won't be able to reject. The observation has paid off. 

“Ganymedes!” – He calls loudly, obviously startling the other boy from his sorrowful reverie. 

The answer comes through clenched teeth – “What is it, mommy's boy?” 

Didac rolls his eyes skyward – “Come down here, I need to tell you something.” 

“So tell me” – Ganymedes sneers – “I'm not going anywhere.” 

Didac sighs and leans back on a nearby pole – “Look, you can be an ass all you want, but I know what you are doing and…” 

“And that would be…?” 

“Trying to bring your mother back.” 

Ganymedes eyes widen and then he frowns and looked away mumbling – “Damn girl.” 

“Damned your idiocy!” – Didac snaps – “Where do get off telling something like that to a seven-year-old? How could you tell that to Mimi just because you can't cope? You are supposed to look after her! – It's only been a couple months since he lives with her but Didac really loves his younger cousin and for all he can see the other boy is in pain, nothing justifies hurting the girl – “Won't your mother want that?” 

“You don't know a thing about my mother” – Ganymedes replies darkly. 

“Well, I know she was a witch, for one, and I know you, Mimi and your father loved her. I'm pretty sure she loved you all back and she wouldn't want you to suffer but…maybe she asked you to do this… Did she, cousin?” 

“She didn't ask me anything except than…” - He trails off. 

“To take care of Mimi and your father?” – He is not guessing, he knows.

Ganymedes nods, seemingly having lost all his fury in the melancholy. 

“Do you really believe you can bring her back?” – Didac asks slightly disbelieving. 

“Yes!, you Christian, Of course I do!” - He answers angrily – “What will be the fucking point in trying otherwise?” 

Didac lets himself smile, supposing that it can't be seen in the dark anyway – “I'm not Christian. I don't believe in any gods at all” 

The glare is the only response to that statement, quite obviously it doesn't matter a bit if he professed the religion or not. 

“Well, what do you mean “what will be the point”?” 

“Are you really that dense? The principle of magic is belief.” 

“Oh” – Didac is still not convinced – “So, can I help you?” – Seeing the sneer in the other's face he adds – “Or would you rather I tell my parents and they send you off somewhere where a shrink can see to you?” 

“Why do you care?” 

“You have broken your promise to your mother” – Didac says instead of answering because he doesn't really know the reason himself. No – He tells angrily to his subconscious - It's not that, I'm a good person, he's my blood, I care. Like I care for Mimesi… 

“How dare you…?” – Sputters the boy indignantly. 

“Oh, I dare” – Didac assures him confidently – “Your sister is crying and it's your fault. I would ask how you dare do that and then try to bring your mother back, she probably would be furious with you.” 

“You don't understand!” – Ganymedes is rapidly losing his cool demeanor, the evening has obviously been too much for his nerves. 

“What I don't understand?, That you miss your mom or how some farfetched magic can bring back the dead?” 

Though he has admired his cousin's agility before, Didac is taken by surprise when a fist slams into his stomach a moment later. 

He stumbles and falls back, breathing hard, but his cousin, although obviously furious, doesn't hit him again. Didac looks up at him from the ground and forces a pleasant smile his aching stomach doesn't welcome. 

“What are you smiling at, you idiot?” – Ganymedes asks, looking slightly preoccupied, One cannot give a concussion hitting the abdomen, can one? 

“You needed to let it off, I have been trying to do it gently but…it worked anyway” – He winces, rubbing his stomach – “I wish you had limited yourself to screaming, though.” 

“You were trying to help me?” – He could be asking if the sun was blue by the expression he is sporting. 

“Well, of course, is what I have been trying to do since you came to live with us, Are you trying to tell me all my good intentions have gone utterly unnoticed till now?” – Didac mocks, intending to hide his discomfiture at his efforts being so easily disregarded. He has been making an effort, or more than one, if you count spending hours looking after someone you're incredibly attracted to and really really shouldn't be and, of course, making your stupid crush worse. But Ganymedes needs help, and Didac has his hormones under control, his discomfort is not relevant.

“Are you alright?” – His cousin wants to know. 

“You punch like a girl” – He gets up. 

The smile he gets in return doesn't go unnoticed – “So…” – He dusts off his pants – “The offer is still up” 

Ganymedes thinks it for a moment, and then sighs – “Well, you don't believe in magic so you won't be able to help me with the magic in itself, but there are things I need, you could do that…” - He trails off. Didac nods, the details are not matter right that moment – “Ok, let's go back now, my mother is going to kill me for leaving so late at night without telling her.” 

He has to speak with his mother and convince her to leave Ganymedes in his hands…No, let him help Ganymedes, Has everything a double entendre? 

To say Lilah is not pleased would be huge understatement, Mimesi has fallen asleep in her lap and the hissed greeting they received doesn't forebode anything good – “Where have you been?” 

“I'm sorry, mum, Ganymedes got lost and couldn't come back” – She hadn't seen them listening on her, fortunately. Didac does feel a bit guilty about lying to her but it's not as if it's an important omission…. 

“And what were you doing?” – She wasn't stupid either. 

“I was looking for him, because it was going to be dinner time soon and he wasn't back…” 

She checks the clock; almost eleven o'clock – “Well, dinner time has passed now, long ago” 

Ganymedes nears her and for the first time since he arrived speaks politely – “I'm sorry. I will take Mimi to bed” 

Lilah blinks and passes him the sleeping girl. 

“G'night, mum” – Didac mumbles and follows him up the stairs. 

 

****** 

“I didn't know you actually knew what manners were” – He comments dryly, his stomach isn't growling too loudly yet. 

Ganymedes shoots him a glare but doesn't answer, Didac opens the guest room's door for him and tucks his sister in and kisses her cheek without a sign of self-consciousness. Didac wishes he was less admiring-jealous and more angry-jealous, his own anger always helps him control lust. He only notices he is supposed to be in their room already when Ganymedes turns around and looks at him weirdly – “What?” 

“Nothing” – He shrugs – “I got distracted” - Which was even true, not that not being always honest was an issue anymore, after so long... 

****** 

Didac thinks his cousin isn't all there, what with his weird request for herbs and candles and such for his ritual but he has promised to help and, beyond the incredulous looks, doesn't protest. The money is not coming out of his pocket and he is too busy surreptitiously glancing at him without him noticing to worry much about a ritual he doesn't believe would do any good or bad if one hasn't got any serious objections to scented smoke. 

Apparently he isn't so out of it, though, because two Wednesday later he asks Didac why he is looking at him. Didac tenses and denies roundly having been doing so, though of course he has. 

Ganymedes goes back to his textbook and Didac takes a break, supposedly to play with Mimesi in her room, in reality to calm his pounding heart and chastise himself for his lack subtlety. When Albert calls to ask if he wants to go to the cinema with them he almost trips over himself in his haste to accept. Anything to get out of Ganymedes' presence for a while. V for Vendetta ends up being a great movie anyway, so no lose. 

****** 

Next Saturday Ganymedes determines he has everything needs for the ritual, and has memorized the spells for it. Didac put as a condition for not rating him out that he left Mimesi out of it and he has. But to call their mother he insists he needs her there. Didac relents when he points out that they won't tell her what they are doing and if the ritual doesn't work as Didac thinks it won't, then Mimesi won't know a thing. 

To be allowed to take the little girl with them, Didac plans a double-fronted attack with Mimesi herself which basically consist on her asking politely and big-eyed while he pleads, argues and swears to be responsible for her during the camping. It's clear to all that Lilah relents faced with the incomparable power of cuteness and not because of his reasoned arguments. 

The tent and the sleeping bags borrowed from here and there, the bags filled way too much for a two day excursion with a variety of clothes, food and batteries and the “kids” lectured to satiety, Lilah deems them ready to part. 

Didac can swear his ears are ringing when they exit his family's house, heading for the outskirts of town, where there still are some green zones. 

****** 

The tent is not so easy to set up as it seemed when their neighbor explained it but, with a bit of Mimesi's help tensing the fabric, they manage. Fortunately it is as big as promised and the three sleeping bags fit comfortably. Didac is grateful Mimesi's is put in the middle all the same, he doesn't need temptations on top of everything else, thankyouverymuch. 

The ritual is, obviously, to be held at midnight so they put on a fire (illegal but absolutely necessary for an authentic camping experience) and eat sandwiches. Ganymedes tries to toast his a bit but ends up letting it fall and get burned, they have extra ones and Didac tastes specially good while he and Mimi laugh at him. 

They are having a good time. Didac starts telling Mimesi a story and half-way through notices Ganymedes listening attentively and losses track. 

“And?” – Is the boy that prompts him in casual tone that Didac hasn't heard of him before. 

“Yeah” – Adds Mimesi – “Do they get caught?” 

Didac blinks, frowns and finally remembers what he just said and is able to resume, being careful not to look Ganymedes' way. 

When the story is over there's a pensive silence interrupted by Mimesi asking for more. Didac laughs and says it's late and his cousin stills and checks his watch – “Fuck, it's late, we need to prepare the things” 

The other two look at him, Mimesi confused because she doesn't know what they need to prepare, Didac startled by the interruption and change of atmosphere. He asks what they can do to help. Tasks are assigned and executed in a frenzy. 

And then, Ganymedes crouches by his sister's side, smiles beautifully and before Didac can do anything tells her to think of mom. 

Mimesi looks worried and uncomfortable and Didac is furious with her brother. He lifts her and explains they are saying goodbye to mom one last time, that they are sending her a message telling her how much they love her. Mimesi hides her face in the juncture of his shoulder and neck and Didac glares fiercely at Ganymedes, who has starting chanting something and is not paying attention to what he has done to his sister. Again. 

Didac wants to hurt him badly but he promised and Ganymedes hasn't really told her what they are trying to do so the promise stands. Besides, they are far away from home and he doesn't want to have a fight. He hugs the girl in his arms and doesn't say anything. 

The ritual works, in the sense it does something and not meaning it does what Ganymedes thought it would. Didac is surprised and, when he finally gets what is happening, horrified. He doesn't let Mimesi look up. Ganymedes has gone suddenly quiet and very still, his eyes are open and he clearly does not see. It's eerie and certainly worrying but Didac doesn't know how to help, Ganymedes thought that he, as a non-believer, couldn't possibly help in the actual magic and hadn't explained what he was doing. Besides, he promised to take care of the girl and he will. He goes back to tent and tucks her in bed, promising to came back soon with her brother. 

When he arrives back to the scene of the ritual Ganymedes still hasn't moved and, lacking any other ideas, Didac takes him by the shoulders and shakes him. It's surprisingly effective and the boy collapses on him. Didac manages to catch him and not to let him fall but he doesn't want to carry him to the tent, where a scared little girl waits, so he sits down and arranges the other on the grass with the idea of going to find water and check on Mimesi. However, Ganymedes eyelids flutter open. 

Didac has never seen his eyes from this close but doesn't let himself get distracted by it – “Are you ok?” 

He gets that the way his cousin curls onto himself is a negative. 

“What happened? Did you see something? You looked spooky and then…” 

Mumbled - “You were right” 

Didac tries to be understanding but he can't read minds - “Ah…about what?” 

“She was angry” 

“Your mum? You were talking to her?” – He doesn't mention that what Ganymedes said he was trying to do was bring her back and not have a chat.

Ganymedes doesn't answer, he just rolls in his stomach and rests his face in the crook of his arms. Still except for his elaborated breathing, he looks the image of defeat. Didac crawls to his side and puts a hand on his shoulder because boys, as far as he knows, aren't allowed to hug each other and Ganymedes and he aren't even friends. His cousin doesn't react at all and he asks – “What did she say?” 

The way he can feel the sigh in his hand and is strangely intimate - “What you say, you were right” 

Didac thinks back, remember his condemnation but not his anger because he's got a weak spot for people in trouble or pain and it has never mattered who they were – “Well, is done, now you can…you know, make it up to Mimesi and…” 

At that Ganymedes turns around, half sitting up and he is not crying yet but he is angry they way people are when they are hurt and don't know whose fault it is (or, worse, know is theirs) – “You don't get it! I failed her! I didn't believe enough! I did something wrong and she is not back, she's just in even more pain!” 

“Hey, calm down, I understand, I told you what she was going to say, didn't I?” – His voice is firmer and he is for some reason holding the other's forearm – “I know how she thinks, see? And I'm telling you: she will forgive you automatically if you just stop being a prat and clean up your act with Mimi” 

Ganymedes opens his mouth to say something but he stops him – “She will forgive you, that's what love means. It's going to be alright…so let's…” – He doesn't finish because there's a warm body pressing into his, Ganymedes holds into him as if he needs it and Didac's pulse goes mad, he pats the others back and is afraid he's going to cry. He doesn't, but he doesn't let go either so after a minute or so, Didac hugs him back. 

****** 

When they go back to the tent Mimesi is sleep across hers and Didac's sleeping bags and they need to move and tuck her in her own. Didac acts as if he isn't blushing after their fingers brush and Ganymedes seems not to notice anything, too focused in his inner turmoil. He must be exhausted because he stops turning around pretty soon. Then the tent is quiet but the forest is not, and his heart, still beating madly, isn't either. When he finally falls asleep the sun is coming up. 

****** 

Didac is worried next morning, he's been trying to be inconspicuous but he is not sure he's succeeded and after the intimacy of the night before, he is more susceptible to Ganymedes looks and gestures and existence. He knows hugging someone while there are down does not meant eternal friendship or anything but he stills feels the heat of other body against him and a normally snarky voice whispering and laced with pain. 

He is unusually silent that day, not in purpose but because he's too busy thinking. Ganymedes, who has a right to be in a bad mood seems more carefree than ever before and spends the day making his little sister laugh. If Didac wasn't so internally occupied he will notice this cheerfulness is not, in fact, very sincere but born of a feeling of obligation. 

That night sleeping is not much easier for Didac but Ganymedes, who's not anywhere near as tired as the night before, is completely awake too after Mimesi has dropped off for sure. 

He asks for the sequel to yesterday's tale, his retelling of the Sleeping Beauty minutes before having been doubtfully accurate. Didac looks really surprised and he shrugs and with self-deprecating sarcasm points – “We are camping, Didac, it can't get any more Disney than that” 

Didac manages not to swallow his tongue at the use of his name and says he needs to think about it for a bit. 

The story takes almost an hour to be told and it takes him about a quarter to stop being self-conscious about his attentive audience, when he finishes he feels the need to clarify that stories aren't childish, at which Ganymedes looks at him weirdly and then smirks and asks – “So, what happened to the romance?” 

“What romance?” – Is the reply. 

“Oh, come on, two boys, two girls, teenagers, alone in life-threatening experiences” 

“Yeah…and?” 

“Don't you go to the cinema? There's always romance!” 

Didac shrugs and opens the tent's door to peek outside – “That's because it sells not because it really is always there” 

“But it was there in this story” 

That gets his attention and he turns to look at him, after purposely avoiding the topic being told he's subconsciously insinuated some kind of romance is pretty irritating - “Really? Where?” 

“Friends don't cling to each other at the less opportunity…” 

“You obviously haven't seen many girls” – Didac laughs. 

“I meant the boys; they were always touching, always checking if the other was safe…” 

That stops his laugher. Fucking details, Didac is so sorry he gesticulates while talking, so so sorry. Why had he ever taken up with books and story-telling? – “Look, they cared about each other, I don't see…” 

“Why do you get all defensive all of sudden?” 

“Because you are…ruining it!, there are people who are just friends, whether they are female or male” – That's not why he's upset, does this mean Ganymedes noticed him looking? Is he making fun of him? 

Ganymedes smirks - “And there's are people who are more than friends, whether they are female or male” 

“Well, yes, but it wasn't the case, they all were really good friends and that's it” 

“Ok, sorry.” 

Didac is and looks startled, he doesn't remember the other apologizing before and for someone making fun of him he seems pretty sincere. 

“Will you write them down?” 

“No, what for?” 

“I would like to re-read them” – A casual affirmation – “And Mimi probably would like to hear them again too” 

A long look, incredulous but Ganymedes doesn't laugh and he may feel a bit flattered so he says, a bit flatly - “I will do it when we get back” – And crawls back into his sleeping bag – “Night” 

“G'Night” aloma

****** 

 

They get back alright, though Mimesi requires them to carry her a while each before she is able to wake up enough to walk and then falls down and scrapes a knee, requiring more carrying. Didac whispers the second part of the story to her when it's his turn and Ganymedes sings in what he believes is a low enough voice but in reality is perfectly audible for the boy walking just a few feet ahead. Didac thinks he's got a beautiful voice, but now again, he doesn't know a thing about music beyond his own tastes. 

 

****** 

When dinner is over Didac's starting to feel the consequences of hours walked carrying tents, bags and little but surprisingly heavy girls and he gets to his room as soon as he is able. His cousin isn't far behind, he knows because he always knows when he's around. 

 

Ganymedes is not tired, he is hurt. Hurting so fucking much he cannot believe he is standing and not wailing his heart off. Yesterday he fucked up his only opportunity of getting his mother back, he knows he will never speak to her directly ever again, and having her “back” for a few moments he only misses her more intensely now. It's like she's died all over again, this time after telling him how ashamed she was of him and how he had hurt so much the people he still has … 

He needs something strong enough, something to take the edge off, to forget… 

 

The first time he got stoned he got a panic attack, after that he swore off drugs. He turned to old friend alcohol instead and it worked, for a while, until he was so out of it his father found out and felt like shit for letting him get to such a state, like he could control Ganymedes! And here they are, in a “healthy family environment” and failing to get drunk he had turned to his mother's art: magic. Which he had fucked up badly because obviously he couldn't do anything right, not even believe enough. 

 

And there's his cousin, who is so terribly obvious about his interest that Ganymedes had picked it up even while angsting and, having run out of illegal substances, a new terrifying experience like gay sex seems like a good idea. Someday he will find out that depression affects the brain as much as any chemicals but now he kisses Didac, hard and unrelenting, because he is jumping off a cliff. 

 

****** 

To say the kiss is a surprise would be an understatement of universal proportions. There's no explanation, not asking for permission, no time to stop it, not even a fucking warning glance. Just a pair of lips suddenly on his without an apparent justification and hands on his clothes to angle him right. There isn't much thought possible either and Didac kisses back. 

They snog heatedly for some time and then Didac's brain decides to wake up and he is aware of the situation. Of course, he is pushed against a wall and has a boy enthusiastically investigating his tonsils, which is a bit distracting but he really doesn't fancy his mother walking in on them and the door, that got a lock when he was thirteen and she still couldn't learn to knock, is not even properly closed. 

So, almost afraid, he pushes Ganymedes away. The other looks first surprised and then annoyed and Didac refrains from asking for explanations or anything at all and locks the door. When he turns Ganymedes has caught up and is very close again, and it's suddenly very intimate and he's about to say something, probably something awkward that would fuck everything up when Ganymedes does – “You are terribly obvious, so let's skip that part” 

Didac doesn't really mind but he feels like having the last word – “If you just were a bit more obvious I would have…” – he kisses him before finishing, he can't help himself, who wants to talk when one can kiss? Who needs to? It's pretty messy and damp and hot and great. Didac presses their bodies together without a thought or separating their mouths and when he needs air he slides a bit lower and mouths a chin, a neck, to the side an earlobe… 

 

****** 

 

Ganymedes isn't surprised that falling is so pleasurable. That it feels so nice to have a warm body pressed against his, or that he is hard, because, really, he is sixteen and the wind or the rain have been known to excite him. It's all about chemistry; the rush of sex is not so different from alcohol induced euphoria. With Seven sex had always been about pleasure, now it's about how pleasure can override pain. 

 

****** 

 

When he reaches a collarbone the Ganymedes whimpers, the lip he is biting to suppress the sound doesn't help much when Didac's left ear is centimeters from his mouth. Maybe he realizes because pulls him up for another kiss. Didac retaliates by pushing one of his legs between the other's, the moan is muffled by his own lips this time but the rush at the accomplishment is not made any less delicious by it. 

 

After that the limits of the making-out session are clear: getting off. They rut against each other, half gasping, half kissing till Ganymedes, who does not want to come first, shoves his hand down and kneads the bulge in the other's pants. Didac bites him, hard, on the neck, which's what's closer. And though Ganymedes isn't much for pain he lets it be what pushes him over the edge because he is all for passion and orgasms. 

 

They pant together, without letting go because it would be more effort than either of them is capable of, when they think themselves able to stand, they race each other to the bathroom. Didac lets his cousin go first, realizing he doesn't feel like sharing a bathroom with someone he…he just. He goes back to his room and uses his sweaty t-shirt to clean himself. 

 

****** 

 

Didac waits until hearing his cousin get in bed before he switches the lights off, not because he feels sleepy at all but because that way it's easiest to pretend they are not together in the same room after what happened. 

 

He lays in the dark and remembers his first real kiss, he doesn't consider it real for the reasons most would but because it was the first time he kissed a boy, the first time he understood what was the deal with something as simple lips on lips. And when you have just received your first hand-job(even if there wasn't any skin on skin contact) you need some known parameters to cling to. He's thought about this so many times that even if the memories aren't exactly happy they are a part of himself he relishes, they are the reasons for a lot of things, they are the beginning of a change that made him who he is, so they must be able to shade some light upon this whole surreal thing that is, indeed, very real. 

 

****** 

 

He was the type of amiable person everybody likes but almost anybody hates or adores, he got on with his classmates well enough, even with the girls who thought boys where all idiots. But Richie was his best-friend, someone that knew him inside out and Didac knew the difference. 

 

Richie and him had met in elementary school and become friends after winning a football match together. Both were fiercely competitive and football was just the first field they were to fight upon. Baseball, basketball, running, swimming, later even certain school subjects, whatever was available to prove themselves was good. In truth both were quite happy with the equilibrated amount of times each surpassed the other and if one of them got behind the other tended, almost unconsciously, to give him some leeway to catch up. 

 

When they were eleven Richie got into his head to take up karate. Lilah had said no at Didac's consequent request to join and hadn't relented not matter the rational arguments or the concessions her son offered to in exchange. Her days as flower-girl were far away and she wouldn't have condoned drug use but her dislike of physical violence was still intact and she wasn't about to see her own son turn into a movie-like killing machine if she could help it. 

 

Didac, who was mostly mild-mannered, got in an impressive funk and refused to talk to his mother anymore (which lasted for two whole impressive days). Richie, who was as desolated as his friend, took it upon himself to teach Didac what he learnt in classes and, though this implied being always a step behind, Didac agreed because one step was better than many. 

 

By the time they were thirteen the difference was pretty evident anyway, Didac liked to say it was because of the classes but he knew the other has a grace he did not posses that aided him in a discipline requiring speed and technique more than force and or practice. 

Since their results were so unequal they didn't compete often in this, when they did nine out of ten times Didac ended in the floor, in his back or even his stomach after discovering all the weaknesses he had thought he saw while seeing his friend practicing weren't so easy to exploit. 

 

But that one was one of the times Didac won, he had spotted a real weak spot and used it and Richie had fallen. With him on top. He was smiling triumphantly at his friend when a ray of sun make Richie close his eyes and all Didac could think about was how beautiful the other was, from there to kissing him hadn't been a thought. When he got in real trouble it was always because for a moment he had forgotten to think if what he was feeling was appropriate and acted on it. 

 

But even knowing that, it's difficult to maintain so many things inside. Especially if you don't know they are there. Didac hadn't known. 

 

Richie, when he managed to get over the shock, had pushed him off and after staring at him and trying to say something for a moment, had run away. 

 

Didac had stayed in the floor for a good while before mutely getting up and heading home. 

 

The next Monday Didac dropped all his sports clubs without a real explanation to the disappointed coaches. He was horrified at himself, not because he had kissed Richie, because if it had been accidental he would have apologized and explained. He was horrified because there wasn't an explanation, because he had done what he had because he had wanted to and there wasn't more mystery to it. And worse yet, even though Richie had been clearly revolted, he still wanted to do it and couldn't stop visualizing it. 

 

He and Richie ignored each other that day and when he got home, Didac went to sleep without homework or dinner. 

 

When he went to school next day (at Lila's insistence only) his tutor tried to pry out of him the reason of him dropping his clubs and after Didac's round negative told him he would have to choose at least one new club to make up for it. Didac thought it was rather vindictive of her because clubs weren't actually compulsory but knew his mother would make a greater fuss if informed and asked which clubs there were. It turned out the only ones with free spots where the cooking club and the library club. Didac, for obvious reasons, decided for the second, although he was not more fond of literature than of receipts it stood to reason for any thirteen year old that a boy joining a girls' club would be make fun of. 

 

Richie and he hadn't talked anymore and (to Didac's relief) his friend hadn't explained to anybody the cause of their rift. Didac only got asked by Angela, who seemed genuinely interested (Richie had thought she had a crush on Didac) and he had simply told her it was for the better this way for them both. Angela seemed confused but pleased of having gotten such a sincere answer out of him. Didac had hung out with her a bit more since then, mostly because his time with his other male friends was restricted by the time Richie got to spend with them. 

 

Angela was also the only person he knew in the Library Club. Ironically, she was sick the first day he had to attend. 

 

They had their meetings in, surprise!, the library. More exactly in a separate conference room in disuse in the back. Didac wasn't too pleased to discover there were more girls than boys, though it certainly wasn't many more, seeing as there were only five people sitting at the table when he got there… “I'm early?” 

 

One of the girls answered rather frostily - “You are late” 

 

“And where's the rest?” 

 

“There's not rest, mate” – It was a sandy haired boy this time, Didac liked his tone much better but after being a member of the most solicited clubs of the school, the idea of a club of just six people was preposterous. 

 

“You mean you have a club with just…six people?” 

 

“Seven now” – The same girl said, then her eyes narrowed – “Oh, no, they forced you to join! How I hate that…” – Didac didn't hear the rest very well but it didn't sound complimentary. 

 

“Well, anyway, what do you do in here?” – He signaled the room. 

 

The other boy, who had glasses and looked pretty geeky, spoke then, rather sarcastically - “Err…I don't know, let me think what you can do in a Library Club, read?” 

 

Didac rolled his eyes - “Yeah, but what?” 

 

One of the other girls decided to explain, her tone was more bored than anything else but it beat the open hostility of the others - “One of us proposes a book we like or think we may like and if everybody agrees we give it a try. Then we write reports on them, for the school paper” 

 

“…That's like homework” – Didac commented, rather tactlessly. 

 

The girl who had first spoken and whose bad moods Didac would learn to fear, got up and opened the door for him – “Get out, will you? We don't need a…joker coming to spoil our Club” 

 

“I'm sorry, I didn't…” 

 

The more amiable of the boys, without moving from his place, came to his rescue – “What's your favorite book?” 

 

“I don't have just one, I like several and…” 

 

The hollow sound of the door slamming closed rather forcefully startled Didac, who turned to look at the girl. 

 

“You are in, mate” – The sandy haired boy smiled, he got up and offered his hand to Didac saying – “Albert” 

 

“Mmm…Didac” – He answered, the moody girl was frowning and he whispered Albert a thank you. 

 

Everybody presented themselves; the girl who had tried to kick him out was Katrina, the Club's president. Albert was the vice-president, the other girl who had spoken was Amy J. Johnson and the one that hadn't was Marianne, the geeky-looking boy had the name of Ray. 

 

“And which are those several?” – Insisted Katrina once they were seated. 

 

Ender's game got him another smile from Albert and an approving nod from Amy J., Stephen King got him a grimace from Katrina but Albert shrugged, he mentioned two more titles and then remembered about the last book he had read, weeks ago, and said its name lightly like he had the others. Didac didn't consider himself a reader, he had never touched a classic that he hadn't been forced by school (and he had cheated with Treasure Island without remorse) or read each night before bed. He favored cinema over literature, with movies it was also easier to tell if they sucked earlier and if they did at least you hadn't put so much effort into it. But he did read, sometimes, if the mood stuck him, if a book stuck him, whatever. 

 

This last book make him smile every time he remember, a little wistfully, and, it turned out, Katrina adored Theodore Sturgeon and More than human above anything else, or so she said, next week she assured the same about Nina Kiriki Hoffman, but by liking it he got her acceptance once and for all. 

 

The Library Club turned out to be alright, the next year his English teacher suggested him to submit an essay to the school paper and since it was November and there wasn't anything else to report, it got published. It had been the start of something, Didac still missed running, and the effort and the recompense of winning but seeing something he wrote in print hadn't been a bad feeling either and his mother seemed a lot prouder than when he had won the local rugby championship. Missing Richie wasn't remediable and he, as humans do, got used to it. 

 

****** 

 

Dropping the football and tracking team hadn't gotten him any fans and with their friends preferring Richie to him and he doing something that mined their efforts to win without an explanation and then, to add salt to the injury, joining a geeks' club, very soon they stopped frequenting each other. 

 

The kids from the L Club were cool and over time Didac got closer to them than what he had ever been to most of his group but nobody could replace Richie, understand him like the other boy did. Didac got the feeling Richie felt the same but simply couldn't deal with what he had done. 

 

Sometimes their eyes met for a second but he never tried to talk to Richie again and Richie, despite Didac's fantasies, never did either. 

 

****** 

 

He wonders if he can deal with what Ganymede seems to be offering, with kisses without meaning and touches that are only supposed to arouse and never be more than a mean to getting off. 

 

He still remembers clearly what it felt like being around Richie, the way that after kissing him he had realized he had always been looking, the way for months and months thinking about him felt like being stabbed and not thinking about him like the most impossible thing on earth. 

 

He thinks he can, because it's different, he is just physically attracted to Ganymedes, he cannot stand the boy otherwise, his cousin is selfish and doesn't take care of Mimesi or has any consideration for the people helping him. Richie had been, for all his mischief, an irreproachably good person. And Didac thinks himself to be one too. Feeling more than attraction for someone that isn't doesn't seem appealing at all, nor probable, so he furrows in the covers and sleeps. 

****** 

Ganymedes is still awake. His heartbeat ratio is absolutely out of control. He had thought that if he did what he wanted despite conventions he would be the one in control, the one deciding. And he had, and now he is scared shitless. What if Didac told? 

 

It isn't very probable, true, his cousin is too much a goody-goody for that and telling won't reflect on him any better than on Ganymedes anyway. What really bothers him is not being discovered but he seems to have discovered with a grope and a few hasty kisses. The intensity of the pleasure, the lust, that he can feel with a boy pressed against him after all the months he's spent of a daze of pain….It isn't as if he is a bloody virgin! He had been fucking his latest girlfriend for months before moving here. And still, just snogging and rubbing against other boy had made him come so soon… Maybe abstinence did this things to you libido… He just wished he had taken that blonde from school up on her offer and be done with it instead. This is way too complicated to be worth it. 

 

It takes him quite a while to fall asleep but when he does there's no nightmares waiting for him. 

****** 

 

He wakes up when Didac, tired of yelling, shakes him into said state. 

 

He wisely doesn't comment on the other's habit of shaking him and it turns out it isn't so complicated after all, the other boy doesn't act any different than before, well, maybe a little more confident and not so quick to look away when he takes off his pajamas to change into his school uniform but not major changes. 

Which is weirder than if he acted different, because making out with someone, while not undying devotion, does mean something to Ganymedes. 

 

He still isn't blind though and notices him staring - “What is it?” 

 

“Nothing, zoning off” – Ganymedes lies and purposely gets in all four to look for socks under his bed. 

 

Didac smiles behind his back, remembering when he was the one caught staring. 

 

They are silent in the way to school but when they are almost there Ganymedes can't hold it in anymore – “Listen…” 

 

Didac stops him with a glare – “Now it's not the moment to talk about that” – Taking pity in the other's startled look he adds – “Everything is fine, ok? Let's talk when we get home” 

 

Ganymedes nods, it's weird to see his cousin so sure of himself, fighting back. Apparently if something has changed from the day before it is that Didac won't indulge him his, acknowledged childish, exigencies. It's almost a relief. 

 

****** 

Didac meets Angela and Albert at the door. Angela hadn't taken it so well when he had refused to date her but after a while of looking ready to cry every time she saw him, she had calmed down, now she jokes about teenager hormones and is one of his best friends. Albert and he had clicked right away and, though he is a year younger, he is smart and mature enough for it not to matter. Ray is Albert's actual best mate and Didac doesn't mind, Ray and him get on well enough when the younger boy isn't, like now, scribbling furiously in a booklet and unaware of the world. 

Katrina is the eldest and she hangs out on her own with Amy J., though she greets and talks to the L Club members without ever recognizing the age differences. To Katrina, they are all elite. Marianne is, literally, a gifted child and that's why she had been put in first year of high-school with eleven years old just made, she is in the same class that Ray and Albert that year and the former confessed a crush on her to Didac the week before. The only new members the club has acquired in the last three years have joined months ago and are both juniors: Clodeth Strauss and Johann Summers, who are obsessed with besting each other to a scary level and fight too bloody much for Didac's taste. But due to this both read compulsively and are able to keep up with the group's readings. 

****** 

 

In Math Class that day Didac forgets to pay attention a total of three times, the last of them the teacher notices and asks him a question, forcing him to admit his ignorance. 

****** 

 

Ganymedes, who didn't enjoy most of his classes even before his life went to hell, stares blankly through all of them without anybody apparently noticing. He does, though, catch his cousin's slip quickly enough. It's like all of sudden he cannot help noticing him, his name being called by a teacher, his tripping on the hallway, everything. 

 

****** 

When the school day is over, it is, quite simply, a huge relief for both. Didac stops by the library and apologizes profusely for not staying, saying he's got a headache. Ray looks devastated to lose his opinion when he's one of the four people there who have seen the movie he wants to discuss. Didac is sorry too when he remembers that's what they are doing that day but the last thing he wants is his cousin freaking out and outing him. 

 

Ganymedes, who's got a lot of admirers of the female persuasion, it's still quite busy when Didac gets down to the entrance, annoyed, he asks him quite loudly if they are going home together. Ganymedes, feeling strangely pleased, makes a jaunty comment but follows him out of school grounds. 

 

When they are a few blocks away from school he starts to talk, Didac looks a bit exasperated and checks their surroundings rather pointedly but lets him go on. 

 

Of course, it's difficult to know what to say to your male cousin the day after making out with him and Didac ends up interrupting him – “Look, What do you want?” 

 

“I…” 

 

“Just bloody well ask! If you've changed your mind just say so. It was just…It's not complicated or anything” 

 

Ganymedes takes a moment to answer - “Secrecy” 

 

“Are you stupid? Do you think that after all the work it has taken me to keep my secret I would fuck it up for you?” 

 

“So you are…How was I supposed to know?!” 

 

“Now you know and you can rest easy and leave me in peace” – He turns and leaves. Ganymedes stares after him, really confused, because a second ago he was sure they were agreeing on something. 

 

****** 

He has to admit that being the mature one for once feels good, even when Didac, who's lying face down in his bed tells him to – “Fuck off” 

 

Since Didac wants him to go away he obviously has to be a bother, he is never been anything resembling obedient and he's not about to start. He trails a finger down his back and the reaction is not the squirming he expected but freezing – “What are you doing?!” 

 

He goes for nonchalance, he misses acting class (another thing he ruined) - “What I want” 

 

When Didac tries to turn around to face him he presses him down to the bed using his weight, when he struggles he straddles him automatically, it takes him a moment to realize the posture is not just part of a simple game of who overrides who but he doesn't back up. After all, he's got nothing to loss. It definitely works, Didac goes very still. Very soon, though, he is saying very coldly, (and that's when Ganymedes realizes there always has been a conciliatory quality to his voice) – “You don't get to change your mind just because you are horny” 

 

“I'm not changing my mind” – He points out very levelly – “I said I wanted secrecy” – And then he bends down and kisses his neck. Didac shudders and he smirks, here's the control he wanted – “What else would we be secretive about?” 

 

Well, boys may not be as simple as one may think being one but it certainly beats trying to understand girls, whose weaknesses are so different. 

****** 

 

“Why did you do it?” – Didac asks, he's been thinking all afternoon that last's night incident had been a by-product of alcohol (which he didn't taste, but still) or grief or whatever and of course would never happen again and now… 

 

“Felt like it” – Is the answer, Ganymedes illustrates it by thrusting his hips and Didac can help but gasp, he doesn't think he would ever be able to not react and is scary what the other can do to him just with a touch, when it was accidental (was it ever?) and his cousin wasn't conscious of the power he wielded it was ok, awkward, frustrating, but ok. But now it's just scary and Didac doesn't enjoy feeling vulnerable. He can only think of one way out of that and not out of bed, and he goes for it. 

 

****** 

So it happens, that time and many others, pretty often because they are teenagers and sharing a room affords plenty of opportunities. 

 

And now that he doesn't have to hide a crush Didac's feels more comfortable telling his cousin to go to hell. If Ganymedes were to be truthful he would said he feels more comfortable being sent there than with polite understanding. 

 

The problem is that when Ganymedes gets used to it, it doesn't work for so long anymore. When they are kissing and touching is easy to get his mother and his father and the disaster his life is out of his head but they are not making out all the time... After the first time is easy to drive himself over the wall with worry but with routine comes the security Didac's not going to say anything and then he's in the same place he was before: He is in pain and alone and doesn't know how to make things better because he cannot undo death (and ok, he's getting off pretty regularly and that helps with the stress but in the long run...) 

 

And Didac's so much closer this time, in such a better place to notice his distress, but he doesn't, maybe because now that he has him he doesn't need to gaze longingly anymore. 

 

****** 

Ganymedes' and Mimesi's mother didn't die so suddenly as Didac imagines. The truth is that she had been diagnosed mammary cancer and gone through the appropriate treatment. The illness has just been too advanced and the treatments had worked too slowly on her. She was one of those failures that made doctors tell people there never is a complete certainty in medicine. 

 

Didac knows she was a witch, everybody in the family did and most of them neither believed nor commented on it. Didac had included himself in both groups till the night he had confronted his cousin and in neither after going camping. 

 

Later Ganymedes would tell him how she had been taught The Art by her great-grandmother so not even her own mother thought much of her practices. Her children had been raised with the implied belief in things beyond science, though their mother rarely specified what these things were. Ganymedes had loved his mother with a passion and spent enough time with her as a kid to pick up a few tricks. He could do some simple pomades for scratches and burns and knew how to invoke good luck or purify things but he very obviously couldn't do anything that could be considered magical. As a teenager he had lost interest in what was apparently more pharmaceutical than supernatural and turned to interests more normal for his age. His mother had never objected to this, maybe thinking there would be time later to teach him if he was so inclined. 

 

It turned out there wasn't time. When he had realized his mother's life was in danger Ganymedes had coped in the only way he could, acting. Since he wasn't delusional enough to believe a high school student could do better at medicine than a professional, he had turned to The Art where results depended on the intensity with which you desired them. His mother had taught him and their relationship had regained its old strength but he still hadn't been good enough to save her. Not even when he had disregarded her advice and tried with other less pacific forms of magic. 

 

And when he summoned her back to the world of the living he hadn't loved her enough to put her back into a physical and permanent form. He wonders how it can hurt so much if he doesn't love her enough and what would be enough when he feels he hasn't loved or could love anybody as much, not even Mimesi or his Dad. 

 

He wonders if he will ever be able to think about her without having difficulties to breathe. Or, failing that, if stopping breathing is the only way to stop the pain. 

 

****** 

It's been around a month and a half when Didac overhears his parents talking about his uncle's whereabouts. He has only heard of him because Mimesi goes into a frenzy every time he calls, her brother refuses to talk to his progenitor at all. Didac doesn't blame him, if his mother died and all his father did was left him with some relatives he hardly knew and run off the freaking continent, he wouldn't want to talk to him either. He suspects that's not his cousin's motivation, though, but his way of making his uncle feel guilty. And it really isn't working, his uncle had promised to visit soon and instead he extended his stay in Europe. 

 

Didac's parents aren't very happy about it either. Didac's mother adores Mimi(Ganymedes has been acting pretty bearably lately but does not quite qualify for adoration yet) and doesn't mind taking them in at all. His dad is dandy as long as money is not an issue, with his uncle, Didac suspects, it will never be. But they (they meaning Lilah with her husband's support) don't think it's healthy for them that with their mother dead their father is practically abandoning them. 

 

Didac reckons that if their father is capable of abandoning them in the moment they need him more maybe they are better off without him, not that he cares to share this opinion, he is fairly sure he could take Ganymedes in a fight but real fights aren't his idea of entertainment. He would rather just have furious, desperate sex. 

 

****** 

She approaches him first, they share a few classes and she coyly asks for his help in one. He helps her; they talk, mostly because she is mysteriously in the next table or in the same corridor or whatever. Ganymedes doesn't really mind, his popularity with girls only started a few years ago and it still makes him feel better about himself. 

 

He doesn't think much of it, they are friendly, and they work together sometimes in class, even outside of class… When she invites him to go out the next weekend he is not surprised at all or imagining she asks him “as friends”, but he thinks it's a good idea, he didn't really click with the boys in his class, he plays football with them, jokes with them at lunch but they've never invited him to join them outside of school and that's a bad sign if there's one. Her offer sounds like a pass into the new institute social life. 

 

****** 

The girl is beautiful and Didac shouldn't be so surprised, but he is. She is flirting shamelessly and Ganymedes is responding in kind, shoulders thrown back and posing like a model. He looks fucking beautiful and it hurts. She asks him where he lives and he says – “5th of Liberty Avenue” 

 

Didac would like to tell him he can't take her to his home but he doesn't believe he will be able to open his mouth without screaming. And the worse thing is he hasn't got any right to feel this angry. Or maybe the worse is the fact that he thought he could do it, could just kiss and touch and come with somebody without it meaning anything. Either way, he is fucked. 

 

****** 

The girl appears at their home the next evening, it's Friday and Ganymedes has been extremely polite and gotten Lilah, who thinks social life is the secret of happiness, to allow him to go out clubbing if he's back before one. Didac's been really quiet though he tells himself he is not sulking. 

 

Mimesi takes a liking to the girl immediately and it takes her and Ganymedes too long to leave. Didac stares fixedly at the television, not wanting to show he cares because he couldn't possibly stand the humiliation, and when the girl asks him if he wants to come with them he politely, thought stiffly, declines. 

 

Mimesi and he play videogames till too late, neither does any homework and it's one in the morning and Ganymedes is still not there. 

 

To be truthful, Didac is not worried about his cousin, he's gone out himself, he knows how you lost sense of time with the music and the fun and…the making out? He is still annoyed because of the girl and trying very hard not to think about him and concentrating on surviving in a virtual world when a slightly hysterical Lilah enters his room without knocking to ask where the clubs are. 

 

Didac gets his tennis and a jacket and they have gotten downstairs when there's a knock in the front door. His mother hurries to open it to a scruffy looking Ganymedes. 

 

“Where have you been?!” 

 

His cousin winces and Didac has to remind himself not to feel sorry for him. Instead, he turns around and goes back to his room. The only thing he can think of to console himself it's to refuse Ganymedes future advances. He, obviously, isn't going to make any. 

 

But there aren't any insinuations or touches, when Ganymedes gets in, he practically collapses in his bed and falls asleep without taking off his clothes, not to mention talking. Didac feels like screaming and since he doesn't have to wake up early the next morning he takes the week's book and ensconces himself in the his father studio at the other side of the house. 

 

****** 

 

“You have to come to school with me” – Announces Mimi at dinner that Sunday. Lilah asks what for and who and the girl explains her class is doing a play and they have got to take their families. 

 

“When is it?” – Asks her uncle. 

 

Mimesi starts to speak but seems to change her mind and runs upstairs instead, she comes back with a piece of printed paper where her cousin reads out loud: Sui Generis School invites the families of all students to the representation made by the first, second and third-grade classes. Friday 14th at eight in the school's Conference room. 

 

“We might be a bit late, sweetie” – Lilah comments, signaling her husband with her head – “But Didac and Ganymedes leave school at five so they will make it all right” 

 

“Thanks for asking” – Ganymedes caustically comments. 

 

“Since you can't go out this weekend I don't see where else you would have to be” 

 

“I've a project to finish and we're a meeting at seven” – Replies the boy smugly. Didac wonders how normal it is to want to kiss and hit someone at once. 

 

“I guess you will have to reschedule then” – Is Lilah's dry reply. Then she turns back to Mimi and asks what the play is about. 

 

****** 

In any other situation what happens won't be so serious, but Mimesi has lost her mother recently and for all practical purposes also her father and, though Didac spends a lot of time with her, they aren't siblings. Real family. So when Ganymedes doesn't show at the play… Not even late and Lilah and Didac have to hand her the acting diploma is understandable the girl starts to cry, especially when she had asked Ganymedes to be there and he had promised. 

 

They go home and Lilah concentrates on calming Mimesi down but Didac decides he has had enough. No matter how much pain Ganymedes might be in (and he seems a lot better, what with going out and dating, his brain cynically supplies) he cannot be allowed to hurt others like this, especially not his baby sister, who can't defend herself. 

 

****** 

 

“You made her cry! You fucking made her cry again!” – When he doesn't answer Didac slams him against the wall again, with even more force – “Say you won't do it again. Swear it!” 

 

He's breathing heavily but he manages to whiz out – “Ok, ok” 

 

Didac is not contented - “Say it!” 

 

“I swear!” – He almost shouts – “I won't make her cry again!” 

 

“You better not” – Didac warns but he lets him go and makes to leave. Ganymedes can suddenly see all the tension in his body is not because he's angry, it's because he is touching him. 

 

“Wait” – He rasps and his cousin turns to look at him – “Why don't you admit what you are really angry about?” 

 

Didac looks outraged but then shakes his head – “Egocentric bastard” – He sights – “Just make sure you keep that promise” – He stresses and this time he leaves. 

 

He would like to feel smug but he just feels like shit, he had actually planned to show up at the play, because he had promised, but he had gotten caught in the work and the banter and the easy happiness of being normal for a while at least and by the time he realized it was past nine. And he knows Didac is jealous, he isn't any less obvious about it than he was about his interest, but even though is just “sex” his cousin has been helping him in everything he can, from magic rituals to homework to taking care of Mimesi. Ganymedes might not be a lot of things but he is grateful and he repays people's kindness and he knows the difference between feeling responsible like his aunt does and just wanting to help for the sake of it. 

 

He disrobes and gets under the covers and tries to ignore how the easy happiness he's getting each day doesn't help keeping the guilt and the sadness at bay when he's alone and the noise has gone. Because he needs the fickle relief of forgetting to hurt for a while daily, even if it doesn't make his life easier in the long run. 

 

****** 

 

He is woken up by someone hoarding all the covers, which by itself it's weird since he doesn't remember sharing the bed. His attempts to get them back are frustrated by an indignant cry coming from the huddle of sheets and covers in a corner or the mattress. A bit of smooth black hair very much like his own cues him into the identity of his invader and he sighs, resigned. He remembers how his parents used to complain about Mimesi getting into their bed and kicking them out of it. 

 

He knows Didac would probably kick him out too but he is cold and sleepy and, maybe, actually misses touching him. If he hasn't been lately is because this newly found normality doesn't go well with what he feels is breaking of rules. Acting normal when he's a wreck is difficult enough when he hasn't got to think about how much he enjoys the sound the other boy makes when he orgasms… 

 

It turns out his cousin is way too deeply asleep to notice him getting into his bed and cuddling behind him and Ganymedes isn't very pleased to discover that their reunion has trigged pleasant memories and that he cannot sleep with their…reaction. 

 

He stays anyway, Mimesi is not going to relinquish the covers and…well, it's nice. When the sun comes up Didac starts to fidget, trying to get under the covers or, possibly, the bed and Ganymedes lifts the bedspread over their heads and presses against him. That definitely gets his attention, he's trying to turn around almost immediately – “Calm down, it's me” 

 

Didac tries in vain to stifle a yawn - “What are you doing?” 

 

He raises his eyebrows suggestively - “What does it look like?” 

 

Didac frowns and turns his back to him - “Get out” 

 

Ganymedes might not know how to ask for help, even when he desperately needs it, and he might seem unable to be polite and he usually isn't the most open person but he can admit he fucked up, he is fucked up enough important things in his life to have had to practice - “Ok, I'm sorry” 

 

The answer is mellow - “What for?” 

 

“For ignoring you, we…after the camping, after I accepted your help we were…” – It's difficult to describe what they were, he knows what they did but it doesn't mean what it was supposed to, namely, nothing. 

 

Didac has a few suggestions and it's surprising how caustic he can manage to be with so little practice - “Snogging regularly? Jerking each other off?” 

 

“Friendly” – He corrects and softer – “Friends…” 

 

That makes the other turn around and sit up - “We weren't friends! Friends don't jerk each other off, and, more importantly, they don't forget the other exists every time a pretty girl goes by!” 

 

Ganymedes looks him in the eye but doesn't raise his voice - “Aren't friends there for each other? And tell us when we are full of shit?” 

 

Didac nods, a bit unsure, as if he doesn't know where the trap is but is sure there's one. 

 

Is hard to look at him but there's nothing so convincing as looking into someone's eyes while saying something, which this time happens to be the truth - “Then you are my friend, even if I'm not a very good one” 

 

Didac doesn't really answer by commenting - “I thought we were family” 

 

“Well, if you take a look at my family you will understand why I prefer the term friendship” 

 

That gets a reaction alright and Ganymedes makes a mental note not to start fights with his cousin just after he wakes up - “There's nothing wrong with your family! You are here and…” 

 

He sits up too, seeming non-threatening doesn't seem necessary anymore – “No, this is your family, mine is back in Chicago and wherever in Europe my father is” 

 

****** 

 

Didac lets himself fall against the headboard - “Well, my mom would love to know that” 

 

“That's why we are not going to tell her” – His cousin points out. He wonders if he ever can stop being a smart-ass but after the apparently felt apology he's ready to make concessions. 

 

“No, I guess we aren't” – He accepts. He looks at the other, looking for something he might have missed – “But I thought you were…ok, as ok as you could be…” 

 

“As ok as I can be is not exactly very well” 

 

“What about your new friends? Do they make you feel better?” – Didac hopes there's no bitterness in his voice, that his jealousy is not so obvious to his cousin as his other feelings seem to be, because he really wants the other boy to be ok, even if he cannot help him himself and some…cheerleaders can. 

 

“A bit, is like going back to my old life” 

 

“It helps you forget…” 

 

A nod. 

 

He checks the hours - “Alright, so let's go back to sleep before…” 

 

It seems he's never going to guess when he's going to be kissed because he's totally baffled this time too. That doesn't stop him from kissing back, for a while, till he remembers, by then he's panting and looking up at Ganymedes – “Did she dump you?” 

 

The other seems confused - “Who?” 

 

It's difficult to decide between being irritated for having to clarify or rejoicing that he has to - “Your girlfriend, who else?” 

 

“You mean Debbie? We're not dating and she's an awful kisser anyway” – With that Ganymedes starts to investigate the zone of his collarbone, the very erogenous zone of his collarbone and Didac lets him, after all, that must mean he's a good kisser and that's all he wants to be to Ganymedes, isn't it? 

 

****** 

 

The next time he checks the clock it's already six a.m. and he's warm and comfortable enough but doesn't want to sleep so he reminds his cousin of something - "I want a story" 

 

Ganymedes has always loved stories, especially the people in them, that's why he started the acting classes in elementary school and got into a company later on. He misses it, he's not sorry for having decided trying to save his mother with the most desperate measures was more important than the magic of the scenery but he misses it, a lot. And then Didac told Mimesi and him those stories and… 

 

"What?" – The other lifts his face from the pillow and blinks sleepily at him. 

 

"A story” – He repeats patiently - “You promised" 

 

“Really? When?” 

 

“You told it to us when we were camping and you promised you would write it down and you haven't” 

 

Didac yawns - “Oh, I forgot” 

 

“Yeah, I guessed, so now you need to make up a new story” 

 

He eyes him, somehow amused and irritated at the same time - “That's a really strange logic you've got there…” 

 

Ganymedes pays that not mind - “If there's some sex in this one I would really appreciate it” 

 

****** 

 

Didac's not very much in the mood for a story-telling but he likes the way Ganymedes looks at him like when he does, so focused, so interested. Sometimes he thinks he pays him more attention when he's telling a story than when he's bringing him off. 

 

He clears his throat theatrically – “There's some sex, actually, there's lots of sex because Belen is whore. She wants to improve, get better clients and more pay and be rich and powerful, all those things poor people always dream about. But she's not ashamed of who she is or what she does to survive, not because she thinks it's great but because it's what she is, the only thing the world she lives in allows her to be. She lives in a dictatorial regime. Her parents died in the war that came before it and the people she needs to work for, the ones that fuck her, and look down at her and treat her like dirt are the ones that killed them or part of the group in power who ordered their deaths. The ones that drove her where she is. She hates them so fucking much sometimes it's hard to breath, but she copes. She just…goes with it, you know? She gets into the femme-fatale persona and imagines she's a spy or about to drop venom in their cups or even better, that touching her will kill them. 

 

The only dream that can ever come true is power, power means protection, power means respect. And one day she gets lucky and she gets to blow a high-ranking soldier and he takes her to a brothel, a classy one, where he visits her regularly and she makes more good contacts. She's eating better and getting more money and more sleep and maybe even more respect but the truth is that the more time she has to think the more she hates herself for what she's doing, not for being a whore but for surrendering to the society they created, to the misery and the injustice and to doing things she does not believe in and does not want to do, at least not if they help to maintain their system. So she starts to make plans to change things, she knows there are revolutionary groups and, as most revolutionary groups, they are not terribly discreet or difficult to find if one's a normal person with a brain. It's not wonder the militia decimates them regularly. Wonders of wonders she finds a nice bartender ready to pass messages to the local revolutionaries, who call themselves the…Ytrebil. She meets with a jumpy bloke and convinces him with all her womanly wiles that she wants to become their infiltrate spy, she won't pass much information but take the most dangerous mission of all: eliminate their leader. The guy is totally impressed with her courage… or her cleavage, it's hard to tell. 

 

Ganymedes smiles – “These revolutionaries need to start accepting women in their ranks if they don't want a woman to be their downfall” 

 

“Yeah, that happens when one insists upon heterosexuality” – Didac throws back before continuing. 

 

“… when she asks for a gun, he gives her his, she disguises it in the hand pocket that first soldier gave her. 

 

A week later or so someone new appears, she recognizes him immediately, he's a soldier, an important one because his father is The Great General. 

 

“How fortunate!” – Ganymedes comments. 

 

“Well, it's high time she gets lucky, won't you say?” 

 

But the truth is that he hardly does anything for the cause himself, he is just a pawn and she knows the real prize would be getting him to take her to The Great General's manor where she would be able to get the real big fish. 

 

So she seduces him, he is not a cruel man and he appreciates her caresses and her sweetness almost as much as fucking her. She had to learn early on not to let feelings get mixed with work but she's a good actress enough to let little gestures, her looks, her smiles, tell another story; And what's more flattering to a man than a woman who's had so many choosing him? The presents are the first sign of her victory and she receives them with the perfect combination of surprise and gratefulness. 

 

And then, finally, he asks her to come with him to his home and when he sees the doubt in her face he offers even more to convince her: marriage. And she thinks he is like all the others and wants to trick her using her own feelings, feelings that of course don't exist. So she accepts with the conditions he would give her money every week so she can save it and have something to fall back to if they ever were to break up. 

 

“This cautiousness is really modern” 

 

“I didn't say she lived in the Middle-Ages, and they aren't merely modern, they are precautions anybody who's been abandoned one too many times would take” 

 

When he accepts without a moment of doubt she starts to doubt her suspicions but she figures there would always be time to change her mind later. 

 

The mansion is big, old, beautiful and very white, unlike their inhabitants' hands, she reminds herself. 

 

She is not ready to die for any cause, why should she care about justice if she won't be there to see it? 

 

Ganymedes nods, thoughtfully. 

 

But she knows she's going to fuck up her job for good if she goes through with it so she lays aside every cent, since she has “The young lord” to buy her anything and everything she might need there's no point in buying anything herself. She only meets The Great General accidentally when he enters the library while she is looking at some pictures in a biology book, since people of her class never learn how to read he stares at her, surprised that she is holding a book. Then must be when he notices her scarce clothing and her body because his eyes soften at the height of her bust, she learned what she could accomplish with her charms very early in life and flirts with him, subtly but unmistakably. 

 

He needs to believe having her was his own idea and he needs to be forced to ask, that way he won't suspect she has second intentions. She doesn't consider he might refrain in his son's name because when you think someone is the nearest thing to the incarnation of evil you tend to forget they are still human and complex and have their own moral codes to answer to. 

 

So he watches her, even when she stops flashing him and crossing his paths way too often, but he doesn't do anything about his very obvious attraction. It becomes a game for her to make him lose control and drag her somewhere without letting the young man who maintains her notice. 

 

Time happens, the young soldier's affections do nothing but increase and one day he asks his beloved if she wants to read the books she's always looking at. She accepts, she accepts all the knowledge he offers greedily and he never seems fit to stop providing her, not even when his father questions the wisdom of teaching a…whore such things. There's a fight and the young soldier has to go away, The Great General has him destined somewhere far away and it's only then that Belen realizes she cares for him. 

 

And with his son gone the Great General finally visits her and she cannot say no because after all the flirting she's done she's pretty sure that if she refused he would kill her, so he lets him fuck her, repeatedly and feels worse and worse every time but cannot execute her plan till she finds out where the young soldier is. Of course, even living in the mansion it's not easy to get into the Great General's office but she gets one of the servants… 

 

“Yes, Ganymedes, the servants are conveniently disloyal and pro-revolution” 

 

…to drug the soldier guarding it with some sleeping powder and gets in and finds where the young soldier is. 

 

That night, when he's resting after fucking her, she gets the gun out of the handbag, she doesn't talk, doesn't pronounce grandiloquent words of revenge, revenge doesn't get one anywhere and she knows it well. Pressing the trigger and ending a human life is not about that, it's about making the world a better place for others, for more people, who might not have more right in themselves but that together surely have more right to live, and if they don't then maybe they just are luckier they haven't been unworthy of her graces. 

 

She has muffled the sound of the bullet so she has time to run away. A backpack with food, clothes and the necessary things to survive is ready, she dresses, straps it on and leaves. 

 

It's a big country and it takes her almost a week to reach the young soldier's campsite and by then the Great General's death has been discovered and the country is in uproar. She is stopped immediately after putting her feet on the camping and when she says the young soldier's name there seems to be no effect, they keep dragging her toward a tent. Since it seems a lost cause she screams, his name. 

 

And maybe because he's a soldier and they are supposed to be heroic and maybe because they love each other and men are supposed to rescue the women they love, he hears. And he comes and takes her in his arms and reprimands his soldiers harshly for not taking her to him. 

 

And there's still a war and she has killed his father and he has killed lots of people and they don't live happily ever after but they can agree in some things, in some changes and that has to be enough. Even if there are times when she thinks she won't be able to bear it, the sacrifices that need to be made to restore peace and get hold of enough power to restore peace, a free peace, not one kept by hiding bodies. But nobody said changing the world was going to be easy and only fools say the only thing you need is love. Still, she thinks that maybe it's not the only thing but it's the one that makes her shoot and order shoots, the hope of a love that's free and can actually be jovial and happy and all things love's reported to be and the hope of a life where that kind of things are not utopian. The kind of love she knows she will never have for herself because it's only for innocents and she is only seventeen and already knows too much, specially about the bad things; the kind of love that could only exist in another world, a world that if they work really hard they might manage to create, if not for themselves, for itself, because the sole existence of it, even in her mind, is enough to keep going. Maybe love is not all you need, maybe all you need is hope you're going the right way, through the right path. And, of course, the will to choose it and risk everything for your choices because just making them makes you free. And whatever may happen from then on, she has changed her world and she's living a life she believes in, and that is more than enough. 

 

****** 

 

“How are you going to remember all that?” – The question is kind of frantic and Didac looks at his cousin strangely. 

 

“I don't know, I guess I won't” – He admits. 

 

Ganymedes eyes open a lot and then almost close when he frowns - “Go write it” 

 

“Now? Give me a break…” – He's talked so much and so quickly he's a bit breathless. 

 

“Right now, you have to write, you cannot forget anything” – Ganymedes pulls him up by his shoulders and he flinches. 

 

“What do you think you are doing? Stop acting like a spoiled brat! I have told you the bloody story! Can I get some sleep now?” – Ganymedes looks at him and maybe he looks tired because he nods and lets go. He gets up, however and goes sit himself at Didac's desk. Didac closes his eyes but opens them again at the sounds of frantic writing, the brunette is bend over the desk looking very intent on whatever he's doing and he decides to let him be, he's so sleepy… 

 

He wakes up at nine, when Mimesi does and decides that jumping in his bed is a good idea – “Mimi!” – He protests weakly. 

 

“Breakfast is ready” – She explains like that required his urgent attention and he groans but asks her to get out so he can get dressed. 

 

When Ganymedes, who's leaning way too casually in the doorway adds that there are pancakes for breakfast he foregoes waiting for the girl to get out to start getting dressed, after all, she's seen her brother in shorts plenty of times and it's not as if she was somebody he should be modest around. Mimesi, seeing he's getting dressed already, seems to get the message she doesn't have to get out anymore and goes to Ganymedes, who after a pleading glance lifts her up. 

 

He must be in an unusually good mood because he takes her downstairs without comment and it's terribly jovial during the meal. Didac wonders if he is sick or just trying to make Lilah forget about the fiasco of the day before so she will let him out that night. 

 

He never asks to, instead he suggests renting movies and watching them together, Didac can see his mother is suspicious at the sudden homely spirit but she accedes. 

 

What surprises him is how when they are well into the middle of the first movie Ganymedes decides to lay his head on his lap. He swallows and tries to act as if he thought that normal and maybe, who knows at this point? it is. 

 

****** 

 

Didac must have really forgiven him, he thinks. And the relief is too palpable and he hadn't notice he cared so much but he forgets to worry about it when there's an explosion on the screen. He doesn't think about how his head seems to follow the hand caressing it either. He just allows himself to enjoy the peace. 

 

His mom went to bed hours ago but his dad is still there, Mimesi is curled up half is his lap and bravely fighting sleep and Ganymedes' head is still on his lap and if his father hasn't said anything by now he doesn't suppose he will freak out now. It's strange to realize how familiar his cousin's body is to him. He keeps forgetting they aren't alone and running his hand though the soft black hair, is just…is so soft! Didac has not touched many other people's hair but he knows hair this soft if usually reserved for babies and little kids and fluffy creatures whose masters constantly brush it, what he cannot seem to remember seeing Ganymedes ever do. 

 

****** 

 

Waking up warmed by someone half embracing, half tangled with you it's Didac's favourite way of waking up by far, this has only happened on counted occasions and with only one person but he's decided it so all the same. He is so comfortable that it takes him a while to realize the alarm is pinging madly, well, truth be told, he notices when the arm is taken away to shut the clock up. 

 

He tries to move but finds the arm is back and casually restraining him - “Mmm…” – He protests weakly, is effort enough to get the will to actually get out of bed without being forced to do it twice because somebody is gotten used to his body heat – “Gany…” – He cannot stop de yawn so he finishes the phrase by shoving his cousin, who, being almost completely asleep falls to the floor. Didac peers down, checking he's not about to jump up in the bed and murder him – “eh…sorry” Ganymedes blinks up at him and then just extends a hand in his direction petulantly, Didac helps him up but instead of just standing his cousin uses the impulse to get back in bed, over him. He has a tongue lazily licking his neck before he realizes he's upright and when that tongue enters his mouth a few moments later he complies and kisses back. 

 

Fortunately the door is locked when Lilah tries to open it after all her pounding doesn't get them down to breakfast but Didac still doesn't relish hearing his mother's voice when coming. He must have made a face because Ganymedes starts to chuckle just after. 

 

They get dressed in record time and Didac throws the covers over the bed to make it seems as if it was made so his mother won't do it and see the mess it is. 

 

****** 

They are late to school but Ganymedes finds he doesn't really care, fuck coffee!, sex is just the way to start a day. 

 

Didac sits in class, still slightly dazzled and tries to pay attention but he's never really appreciated Chemistry, the periodic table is his personal nightmare and that's like trying to draw while hating pencils so he knows he needs to pay attention because getting back on track if he gets lost will be harder still but… Well, he's got the image of Ganymedes laughing at him almost while he was coming, looking so carefree for once. He would like to hear that laugh more often, he is not stupid and he realized pretty soon he couldn't not care about someone he interacted so much with, is true they spent a lot of time fighting with each other but don't they say you fight with people because you care? And if he thinks about it Didac can see his fights are mostly over Ganymedes hurting himself. He's been trying to help him from the very beginning and now, with the way his cousin was acting the day before and this morning he thinks he might be finally allowed to do so fully. 

 

Ganymedes and he don't usually talk to each other in school hours, they have different friends and since they live together there hardly seems to be a need to approach each other and it's not as if he's got a plan to announce, just the determination. 

 

After thinking it over all day he decides to work out a possible solution first, he doesn't want to look like an eager idiot like he did the first time he offered his help and he's pretty sure he's not going to like Ganymedes' plans anymore than he did then. 

 

After school he refuses Albert's offer to come to the video game center with him and Ray with a vague excuse about an exam and doesn't bother at all to let Ganymedes know he's leaving by himself, after all, they only go home together sometimes and is not as if the fact that they were touching again meant they were any more or any less than before. Didac wishes he hadn't even considered telling him or thought up a justification. 

 

He is in the local library soon enough and looking for books on magic. The section they have on esoteric related material is not terribly big but it's a start. He piles some tomes that sound promising in a nearby table. 

 

It's not that he actually believes in magic, not wholeheartedly like Ganymedes seems to at least, but something happened that night at the woods and Ganymedes has shown him a few cool tricks too, like that one of moving things without touching them, light things, ok, and it might have been the wind (it didn't even happen every time) so it's not that he believes…but he might have reasonable doubts and for research one does not need faith but eyes and a sharp mind. Didac is a good student and even if the topic is strange it does not deter his mind from falling into the known pattern of skimming for relevant information. First it's just the indexes but somewhere along the way he gets pulled into a fragment about the persecution of witches in the Middle Ages, the fragment turns to be the start of a chapter and he never notices the time passing. 

 

History has never been too different from stories for him and the fact that those characters were real people once and had an effect in the world he lives in makes them only more interesting, more connected to himself... When he finishes the chapter he realizes is almost seven in the evening. He rapidly checks out some of the books he hasn't looked at yet and hurries back home. 

 

He's not exactly late but he's expected to tell his mother if he isn't coming home right after school like usual, a bit late might pass but a whole hour and a half after he usually gets there? Not bloody likely. 

Only…when he enters there's not shouting, not interruption of anybody's tasks… He stands there for a moment and then guesses his mother mustn't have heard him but decides to get it over with as quickly as possible (besides the less worried she's gotten over him the less angry she's bound to be) but she just looks up from the dishes she's washing when he greets her and comments - “You are back” – in a perfectly amiable tone. 

 

He blinks at her – “Yes…” 

 

It's then Mimi enters the kitchen in a sprint and hugs him tightly, or, well, his middle – “Up!” – She demands and Didac obeys with a smile – “Gany says shut up now” – she murmurs leaning into him and with an air of conspiracy. He looks up and sees Ganymedes outside the kitchen door, out of his mother field of vision and beckoning him. 

 

****** 

 

Ganymedes finds it difficult to believe someone might insist so much on being told off, how hard it's to realize somebody is not absolutely furious with you at a first glance? Especially if that somebody is his aunt, who when angry spits fire? 

 

“What's going on?” – His cousin asks, looking puzzled and accommodating Mimesi in his arms. And Ganymedes did just not want to touch him for not good reason. 

 

He rolls his eyes - “It's kinda obvious; I told her where you had gone when she asked so she won't have a fit over it” 

 

“But you didn't know…” – The other starts to object. 

 

Ganymedes snorts - “Well, duh” – He turns around, ready to go upstairs to get his homework over with and… 

 

“Thanks” 

 

He falters, a second because…well, he doesn't know why but that sounded too serious for just a little favour like covering for him, it's too serious so he half turns and half smiles, looking in his cousin's eyes in a way that's intimate and not, because… – “You can thank me later” –…he's not accepting the gratitude, what does one want gratitude for anyway? 

 

****** 

 

He sighs - “What did I do now?” – It was so difficult to get that boy, you thanked him and he seemed…hurt, hurt! Or offended because hurt might be too much for Ganymedes to feel and show. 

 

Mimesi looks after her brother too and comments somewhat proudly – “He likes you!” 

 

Didac turns his head to look at her, astonished – “Wh..what?” 

 

The girl, who's usually better mannered than her brother, has some of his gestures and shakes her head overly much to indicate he's a lost case - “He likes you, Gany likes you” 

 

Didac really really hopes he's not blushing - “You think?” 

 

She nods and points out he's red, with a small knowing smile. When she asks that he play videogames with her, Didac falls over himself to accept and avoid prolonging the discussion, not that he thinks Mimi really knows what kind of liking he's thinking of but… 

 

****** 

 

He can't concentrate, the scene downstairs left him weirded out and uncomfortable and feeling like that without a reason doesn't help, ok, he's horny, but if that was a valid excuse… He pushes the chair back and gets up, he needs to do something else… He looks around, the first thing to get his attention is one of the books in his desk, it's old and mysterious, black and pretty much everything you would expect in a dark magic tome, so far the spells he's tried do not work, which is not at all expected. But he never took the time to read it all, too busy memorizing the one he was going to use, so maybe… He sits and starts reading, he moves to the bed when his neck starts to hurt without stopping doing so and it's interrupted when his cousin opens the door, not so much by the noise or his presence but because he immediately takes the book from his hands. 

 

“What are you doing?” – They both ask at once, while he himself sounds annoyed Didac sounds pretty pissed off, he's examining the book with a frown. 

 

“I was reading, give it back” 

 

“This is…” – He runs off and Ganymedes hopelessly hopes he hasn't found any of the gruesome pictures medieval magicians had such an affinity for. 

 

“A book where it explains how to get dead to revive” – He answers truthfully. 

 

Didac keeps looking at him very open-eyed – “This is dark magic” – He says, his voice oddly calm, maybe because he cannot really believe, Ganymedes pities him. 

 

“Yes” 

 

“You cannot make her come back” – He says, slowly and with evident sorrow, but that doesn't make it hurt any less and Ganymedes lashes out. 

 

“I can and I will!” – He doesn't want sympathy, he wants his mother back. 

 

His aunt's voice calls them to eat from downstairs and Didac looks back for a moment, clearly annoyed, then at him, in the eye – “We will discuss this later” – He decides and depositing the book in a desk as he passes by, makes to leave the room, he doesn't though, he stops at the doorway and turns to him – “Come on” – When he doesn't move to follow he pleads – “Ganymedes…” Why the insistence, really, he thinks he's going to do some spell if he's left alone? 

 

He gets up - “We don't have anything to discuss, Didac” – He spats before going pass him and hurrying down the stairs. Who the fuck does he think he is? Ordering him around like that? 

 

****** 

 

They don't speak during dinner, Didac answers when his mother asks what the project he was doing today with the one he's assigned to do soon enough and she leaves him alone. He doesn't realise he didn't use to lie to get out of trouble. 

 

After they are done he helps to put the dishes away so Ganymedes gets to their room first and when Didac arrives the book is not in sight and his cousin is bent over his desk, writing what appears to be a homework assignment. When he tries to talk to him he's coldly rebuffed so he busies himself with his own homework, thinking giving the other time to calm down might be a good idea. 

 

That night, for the first time in the last few days, Ganymedes doesn't get into his bed and Didac, that besides hurt and annoyed by his renewed irrationality is horny, decides that he doesn't have to wait for the other to attack him to get some action and lifts his cousin's covers, trying to be nonchalant and probably breathing too heavily to succeed. But while Ganymedes turns to him with shadowed eyes, he doesn't seem disinclined to be kissed at all. They don't talk. 

 

****** 

 

It's November and pretty cold and Didac is not surprised to wake up to a sore throat when he's slept with his top open, he's pleased (and ok, a bit surprised too) that it takes convincing to stop Ganymedes from snogging him anyway, flu or not. 

 

He tries to sit up but his neck hurts and when the sheets slips down his chest he shudders, the room is not supposed to be that cold… 

 

Ganymedes forces him under the covers and presses his body against Didac's, though that it is for his health is debatable he does appreciate the extra heat. 

 

“You are so hot…” – He murmurs somewhere around his neck and Didac looks at him the best he can being practically unable to move his head and with his face so close – “Well, thank you” – That must be the fever talking but Ganymedes laugh against his skin is ticklish and contagious, his laughing soon turns into a cough and he has to half sit not to suffocate. Breathing heavily he lets himself fall backwards again. 

 

“You really are sick” – Ganymedes seems surprised. 

 

“Did you think I was pretending to get you attent…?” – More coughing ruins his sarcasm but proves his point. 

 

His cousin sighs wearily – “Ok, I will go get your mother” 

 

He looks at him, rather confused - “What for?” 

 

Ganymedes looks at a lose – “That's what one does when one's sick, you know, you call your parents so they can take care of you” 

 

Is not that Didac is not familiar with the concept, his parents are as solicitous as expected, especially when he's sick but he would rather don't have to explain why he's in the wrong bed and getting out of it and in his cold one seems impossible - “Could you just…fetch me an aspirin?” 

 

Ganymedes stares at him for a moment – “Why don't you want me to call her?” 

 

He's not very pleased at having to explain this, even to Ganymedes who already knows or should - “I'm in your bed” 

 

“Yes, and I have been in yours many times…” – He trails off and smiles, or rather, smirks – “You don't actually believe she doesn't know, do you?” 

 

Didac almost sits up but since he's weak he just gets in his elbows - “Why would she know?” 

 

Ganymedes doesn't seem amused anymore, instead he looks annoyed - “God, are you slow? She changes the sheets! Didn't you think the double of stains in ones and the absolute lack of them in the others would clue her in? Or the fact that I hardly used the bed for a whole week?” 

 

Didac feels his throat closing up with fear and when he starts to speak his voice fails him “Why…why didn't you say something before?” He's breathing hard and maybe Ganymedes realizes he's terrified and takes pity on him because his next comment is less cutting. 

 

“I don't mind her knowing” – Less cutting but not less raw. 

 

And Didac can only repeat, faintly, incredulously - “You don't?” 

 

“No” 

 

“But she might tell your dad!” – He insists and he doesn't know why he should care seeing he thinks Ganymedes' dad isn't a very good parental figure but... 

 

“It's not like my relationship with my dad can get any worse, it is?” 

 

He's getting angry, especially he should have thought of obvious things as stains in the sheets instead of paranoid delusions like Ganymedes putting his head in his lap - “Great, so you didn't think I would mind ruining my relationship with my parents just because yours is hopeless” 

 

“I thought that you were intelligent enough to be discreet if you wanted to be!” – He is getting angry but Didac isn't very worried, he is very angry himself already – “Who do you think I am? Your babysitter?” – His cousins stresses this with a sneer and Didac wants to hit him, he doesn't because he's not used to hitting people and his wishes do not immediately translate into actions, instead, he starts to reply - "You..." - very loudly indeed, but breaks into another fit of coughing before getting much out. 

 

Ganymedes gets out of bed in a flash and rescues a pair of shorts from a pile of clothes in the floor and, unable to find another on the floor, just throws Didac a clean pair from the drawer. Lilah is hopeless at telling which pairs are whose and since they spend so much time in each other's pants anyway… – “Stay there” – He orders before leaving the room and Didac lets himself fall back once again thinking that whatever may come it's fine by him as long as he doesn't have to get out of bed before the world outside stops freezing. He changes his mind right after when he thinks of mother's disappointed face and quickly moves to the other bed, he's still shivering from the contact with the cool sheets when she gets there. 

 

Ganymedes must be a sadist, he decides, not only he brings his mother but he promptly suggests a cold bath to get down the fever before leaving for school. It's lucky Didac is in bed and for no reason would get out again because otherwise he might have to decide between punching or kissing his smile. His mom doesn't like violence; he wonders what she would think about the second option…or maybe, what she already thinks. He looks at her while she gets the thermometer and more covers and fusses over him, looks for something in her manner or expression that shows that knowledge that Ganymedes and logic indicate she posses is actually in her power… And there's nothing unusual that he can tell, she's worried and bossy and…well, his mom. 

 

“What are staring at me for?” – She asks suddenly and he realizes she must have said something he was supposed to respond to, she seems to understand he wasn't listening and says – “Get a move, the bath is ready” 

 

It would be hitting, definitely. 

 

****** 

 

What he told Didac about Debbie's kissing technique sucking wasn't a lie but her hand-jobs are good enough and he's pretty sure it won't take much convincing to get her to give him a blowjob, he's missed those even though his girlfriend was pretty shitty at them. He doesn't know that, of course, he will keep thinking that a mouth around his dick, any mouth just being wet around his dick, is the best thing ever invented till he discovers that fellatio is a “real art” and when he does, well... He will just like it even more. 

 

So he lets her pin him to a wall in a secluded corner and snogs her until they are both panting, as common sense dictates, bad kissing is still good enough kissing. When she lets space enough between their bodies for him to touch her chest he does and for a moment he's surprised to find breasts there and not the smooth planes of the male physique, and that's scary, experimenting is alright but he doesn't want to turn into a poof. After that he pays especial attention to her breasts, even though they are nothing special and Debbie seems to like it if the way she is rubbing against him is any indication. He doesn't get a blow-job, actually, what he gets hardly qualifies as a hand-job, but he comes and that's always welcome and Debbie, as one of the few sensible girls he has met, doesn't ask for anything in exchange except his hand down her panties, which is not at all a toil. He's not thinking of the feeling of something heavy and hot and shuddering and much bigger in his hand while doing it, of course he is not. 

 

****** 

 

He tries to pay attention next class (and fails) because he thinks he might need to graduate, maybe, if things start going well (because things aren't). 

 

Being too distracted for conversation, he heads home at a brisk pace when classes are over, when he gets there he doesn't linger downstairs to watch X-files as he does daily and instead hurries upstairs. He lets his schoolbag fall to the floor with a thump but Didac doesn't stir. 

 

He's always been terribly self-aware, always known himself well enough and known which things were wrong and done them anyway because he wanted to and what could be more important than his desires? He's never wanted to do anything overly destructive or illegal (except drinking, but that…the point of that was forgetting, which he very much desired) but some things weren't totally on the right side of moral or law or his rights and covering his tracks was natural and smooth for him not because of practice but because of a strong sense of self-preservation and avoiding suffering at all costs. Being sneaky comes naturally to Ganymedes and when he and Didac started fooling around he noticed and catalogued all the clear signs of their activities without any conscious effort, for him they are like neon signs all over the room, the house, them… As people are wont to do, he forgets that others cannot do or see or feel the same as he does and assumes the obvious to him is obvious to everybody. Because of that he never mentions these things, he doesn't like to point the obvious, and he only told Didac because he seemed to be under the delusion that his mother could be unaware of their…tryst. He considers for the first time if his aunt, like Didac, could have seen all the signs and not understood their meaning. He wonders if he could have scared the other so much with it and it turns out to be untrue. What he doesn't wonder it's why he cares either way. 

 

“Ganymedes…” – The whisper is low but unmistakable, he looks up and finds a pair of eyes boring into his, he doesn't particularly remember sitting down on his bed but he gets up and sits in the side of his Didac's. 

 

“So you are still alive, I thought I would have to exorcize the mattress” He comments and that gets him a small smile, the other seems sleepy but ok and he's...relieved, he can admit to that, Didac is the first person he knows who's gotten sick since his mum did, and that had seemed such a small thing too! But he knows he is not to panic, that this is really a cold and that… 

 

“What?” – Didac has just said something and he wasn't listening. 

 

“Tell me you aren't going to use the same spell again” – And it's something like an order and a plea and his cousin looks really vulnerable, all bundled up and shivering and he thinks maybe he owes him an explanation, after all his help and maybe he just wants him to go back to normal. 

 

“I looked for months before finding that one, and I haven't been able to find any other that…” – He explains, and it's true, it's not as if he would have turned to black magic if white had worked. 

 

“Have you been to the library?” – Didac promptly interrupts him and he sounds surer. Ganymedes always forgets he's a bookworm. 

 

****** 

 

“The library?” – Ganymedes seems positively puzzled and Didac would like to roll his eyes but they ache quite a lot already so he contents himself with sarcasm - “Big building, lots of books, the primary research place?” – He suggest rather petulantly, it's an attitude he's gotten from Katrina and that he quite likes. 

 

Ganymedes looks annoyed but interested – “But will they have books about magic in the library?” – He sounds smug – “I thought it was supposed to be school stuff only and well, novels and things” 

 

“Are you serious? Libraries are for books, any book” – He yawns and gets a hand out of the warm of the bed to rub his eyes – “I…” – Another yawn interrupts him. He had planned to research on his own and see if he could get anything new that Ganymedes himself hadn't worked out, but seeing as he hasn't even checked the local library… - “There are some books in my bag, I was going to read them myself but…” – He gestures to the bed. 

 

Ganymedes seems surprised, maybe even stunned – “I will just…let you rest” 

 

He turns off the lights and softly closes the door; if he wasn't falling asleep Didac would have time and energy to be quite stunned himself. 

 

****** 

 

Ganymedes sits on a corner of the living room, reading and ignoring the sound of the TV Mimi is watching. He cannot understand why his cousin is so intent on helping him that he will risk punishment (rather stupidly but still) to do it, he knows they were friendly when they were younger but they hadn't seen each other for two years before this reunion and had for all practical purposes ignored each other the year before that. He even remembers being rather obnoxious to him about his new gameboy. 

 

The books are on magic alright, but white magic, which he doesn't think will have anything useful on returning people from the death. Besides, White magic failed when he had to save his mother, and again when he needed a way to get her back…but he's got nothing better to do (X-files is out of question now that Mimesi's watching the Power Rangers), so he reads. 

 

He doesn't find what he is looking for, but he does find something useful. Deep down he gave up on really recovering her that night in the woods but he reads about the ritual for communicating with the other world telling himself it's just to inform himself of the possibilities. He stares at it for a while, mind reeling and then he gets up, cuts a corner of a magazine laying on the short table and uses it to mark the page before collecting all the books and going upstairs. 

 

Didac is still deeply asleep when he comes back after showering and changing into his pajamas, still asleep in his bed, which, truth be told, of late it's whatever bed Didac chooses for himself. He knows the other is not up for anything tonight but the perfectly made bed at the other side of the room seems awfully cold. 

 

He pulls back the covers and moves the pillow to make it seem slept on and then goes back to the other bed and gets in behind Didac, who tries to get away from his cold body for a moment but ends up relenting and letting him snuggle. 

 

****** 

The fist thing Didac thinks is that he doesn't want to get up for any earthly reason. He's warm, comfortable and…oh, yes, he has company. Not that that is a surprise, there's a point where sleeping with someone becomes routine, a pleasant routine at that. He won't mind staying there, soaking in the contentment but he's sixteen and he's got needs that cannot be satisfied without moving. He half turns his head to nuzzle a face half buried in his shoulder but Ganymedes doesn't react, he just presses his face further in, making him wonder how he manages to breath. Seeing subtlety is not going to get the message across he tries to turn around to be more blunt, however, an arm quickly sneaks around his torso, holding him still – “Ganymedes…?” 

 

When the hand starts traveling downwards he decides his objections are null because they clearly understand each other. 

 

****** 

If Lilah had any doubts about her son before her nephew and niece had come to live with them, then the former had quite nicely dispelled them. When one is a mother who washes clothes and tidies rooms one tries to maintain the line between caring and snooping, Lilah has some rules for this, not opening drawers when she doesn't need to drop something in them, not reading the papers in the desk, she thinks Didac is responsible enough for his age and does not need babysitting so she pays attention and doesn't interfere unless he seems to need her to. And her rules had worked just fine for years and it could have worked for longer if her son wasn't unaware mattresses need to be shaken off regularly and had therefore thought that under his was a perfect hid-hole. Lilah wasn't snooping, but gay porn is somehow hard to miss even at a first glance and after that she had needed to check that that was what it was, that there weren't girls inside the covers and she was …but she wasn't panicking for no reason, there weren't any girls in the magazine, though some of the boys were wearing so much make-up they could have passed as female if they had been dressed. She didn't even know getting those things was possible for a teenager boy but seeing as normal porn it's available to other boys she concluded that however Didac had procured them it was only fair. 

 

After that…well, it wasn't difficult to make sense of some strange things, like little Richie's sudden disappearance from her son's life, it's not that Lilah liked Richie much, but it was obvious to her that her son did and a lot. Now it suddenly becomes clear that exactly that was the problem and Lilah still feels like an idiot for all the stupid things she told Didac when he came home looking pale and broken and not wanting to explain what had happened, she had planned to wait and then ask him again but had never done it and, in that moment, with that magazine in her hands, she knoww Didac would have never told her. 

 

Lilah loves her son and doesn't doubt he loves her but this is not the type of things boys tell their mothers, Lilah was a girl once and this wasn't the type of things she told her mother, much less his father and she was checking out the expected sex! She would like him to confide in her but that's not what children do with their parents, it's what they do with their friends. 

 

When soon after his fight with Richie, Didac started hanging out with Angela, who's nice and polite and very obviously had a crush on him, Lilah half hoped he would return her affections and half hoped he might be able to tell her what he couldn't tell Lilah or his father. 

 

Once, when the girl failed to appear for a whole week, she asked why Angela hadn't been to their house that week Didac resignedly explains she wanted to go to the dance with him and he had told her he didn't like her like that, Lilah smiled at him and told him she's proud of him for telling the truth but instead of pleased Didac looked even more crushed at this and rapidly made himself scarce and only then she understood both her hopes had been crushed too, that he hadn't told the truth, not the one that he thought he should, at least. 

 

Lilah didn't confront him about it. He's just fifteen, she told herself, and he needs to come to terms with what he is by himself. She informed her husband of the facts when they were away one weekend and got over all the denial while they were there, she loves her husband and he's not an idiot but even if he didn't actively dislike homosexuals it's difficult to come to terms with the fact that his boy was one. But he did, Lilah noticed how he no longer jokes about girls in the T.V. with him like he should share the liking, she didn't know if Didac noticed too but at least there's no more looking at him squirming in his seat and nodding with plastered smiles. 

 

****** 

After finding out Lilah doesn't understand how she could ever not have noticed, all the signs are there. 

 

All the signs are there, in their room when she enters to make the beds, the first few times she tries to convince herself that it's too implausible her nephew would be like that too, but the signs keep appearing, till once she enters and finds that though it's been sat on, one bed is made, untouched, unslept in and there's not denying it after a whole week of that. She's careful not to open the door without knocking and receiving an answer after that, but even from outside it's difficult not to hear them sometimes. She calls loudly for them to wake up as if she wasn't perfectly aware they are very much awake and goes back downstairs to prepare breakfast firmly not thinking about the things going on in her son's bedroom or worrying if her bedroom is also so not sound proof. 

 

****** 

He feels well enough to go to school and after waking up so nicely he's up for going back to routine, so he gets dressed, Ganymedes is still lazing on the bed and when he turns around to look for his trainers under the bed he realizes he's staring at him. He fights the blush spreading down his face while he gets onto his knees to look under the bed. He expects the other to laugh at him but he doesn't, he just keeps smiling like the cat who got the milk and Didac doesn't know what to make of it and ends up suggesting he get dressed so they can get down to breakfast. He very pointedly doesn't look when Ganymedes gets out of the bed, starkers, and starts looking around for the shorts he threw away a while earlier. 

 

The first thing his mother does when he sits at the breakfast table is putting a hand in his forehead to check his temperature – “Good morning to you too” – He grumbles. 

 

She peers down at him - “How are you feeling?” 

 

“Ok, I'm going to school” – He clarifies and smiles at the horrified look Ganymedes sends his way. 

 

“So…Aunt, do you think that whatever virus he caught is gone now?” – The subdued smirk he's sporting is the sign of revenge and makes Didac freeze; the innuendo is so obvious to him and his mother… 

 

But she doesn't say anything untoward, just that she thinks so, not even surprised at his cousin showing concern for him. Didac tries to hide his relief and Ganymedes smirk widens so much he ends up grinning. He gives up being annoyed and smiles back.


	2. Chapter 2

The last thing Ganymedes wants to think of it’s the book he’s carrying in his backpack that’s definitely not for class, ok, maybe the last thing it’s the spell described within its pages but what weighs him down, reminding him, is the huge tome. In his experience the only way to avoid thinking is getting smashed, that can be done by drinking till one faints or acting in any other way that produces strong chemical reactions, meaning exhaustion by sports or…well, other type of exercises. Alcohol had disgusting side effects like vomiting and hangovers and even if that weren’t true, Ganymedes is pretty sure sex would still be his “exercise” of choice.

 

He spends Math class looking at the back of his cousin’s neck and by the time the ring bells he’s got himself quite worked up, not over that neck solely(that would be kind of pathetic) but about all of that body. Not that he’s seen Didac’s body more than briefly, the fact that they are getting it on and touching each other virtually everywhere doesn’t seem to make his cousin casual about being naked in front of him. He can admit he would like him to be, to be able to know by sight as well as by touch, to investigate and record in his mind for later.

 

He knows girls’ bodies, even different types of girls, if he closes his eyes and makes an effort he can call forth Seven’s breasts or her neck or Valeria Massa’s rosy lips that had been his favorite wank fantasy for months when he was fourteen. He doesn’t know how to draw beyond the basics but he would be able to at least describe a woman’s body well enough. But boys? He knows his own body, of course, and he’s checked others’ in bathrooms and changing rooms before to see if his was good enough. But wanting to know another’s boy’s body this way is different, it’s not about comparison, it’s about recollecting each detail and forming the image in his mind and possessing it. He doesn’t need to possess people but he likes to possess memories of them quite a lot.

 

It goes beyond wank material, he spent months memorizing all of his mom’s features, and gestures, and quirks to the point that even after all this time he would be able to describe her well enough for an impressive identikit. That doesn’t help getting over her absence but he can’t let go of her memory, the last piece of her he’s got.

 

So when during the lunch break he follows Didac and pulls him apart nobody can really blame him for it, can they? The hallways of the second floor are deserted because everybody it’s in the canteen so it’s not really dangerous to fasten his lips to the other’s neck and sneak his hands under his t-shirt. Didac gasps and bucks against him and he takes that as agreement till he pushes him away a moment later and hisses – “What are you doing?”

 

He smirks, still out of breath after running to catch him and foregoing breathing for kissing – “You are the only person who seems to need so much clarification” – He pants. 

 

He understands that wasn’t the right answer when Didac faces contorts in rage - “Just because you don’t care about anything it doesn’t mean you have ruin my life too!” – He screams, Ganymedes remembers seeing him angry, after he ditched Mimesi’s school play but not this...hurt. And he wants to make it better, to apologize, to explain, whatever, but Didac seems to move to fast for him and then he’s gone and he’s alone, with a hard on in the middle of the hallway.

 

He jerks off in the nearest bathroom without much enthusiasm, when he comes all he can see it’s his face.

 

******

 

When you are a boy and you get a girlfriend you get practice apologizing, it doesn’t really matter what type of person either of you are, sooner rather than later you are going to fuck up. In Ganymedes’ case Seven wasn’t exactly a sweet person to start with, who would let his mistakes go by unnoticed. She rarely got to the point of screaming but annoying her was as easy as it was difficult to appease her after it, love definitely did something to your head because he kept trying. No that that was the case here and Ganymedes is sure Didac is not confused about that, but appeasing techniques are appeasing techniques and people are people, right?

 

If his fucking up is any indication, girls and boys aren’t that different.

 

Shameless pleading is his last recourse but Didac’s sure to punch him if he tries to touch him again and he doesn’t think roses would be the way to go when there’s no romance whatsoever. Not that the lack of romance and, consequently, responsibilities makes it any easier, Ganymedes is firmly convinced whoever coined that about women being complex had never tried dealing with a boy in the closet.

 

It isn’t till he gets home that he sees his cousin again and he’s in the living room, which is clearly a way to avoid being alone with him. He doesn’t look at him at dinner or answer his casual comments.

 

Truth is, he hadn’t thought there would be any danger of being discovered. But now, with a cold mind (and not a raging hard-on) he knows that was his prick talking and that anybody could have been late to lunch or came back for something, and caught them in fraganti. The middle of a corridor is not exactly inconspicuous, after all. He tries to imagine what he would have felt if that had happened but he cannot, he fantasizes about being flippant and calling anybody who dared say anything derogatory repressed and turning into a devil-may-care rebel but he’s realistic enough to know that’s not how the world works. And knowing how terrified Didac seemed of his own mother finding out he can imagine him panicking if the whole school did, and he knew it then, of course he did, but he just...wasn’t thinking, he just had wanted him so badly and gotten so used to touching him whenever he pleased…

 

This seems like a rather poor excuse but more often than not the truth makes for awful justifications.

 

Didac is not in the room when he gets upstairs nor does he appear at all, guessing he isn’t going to Ganymedes goes to sleep in the bed they last occupied.

 

******

 

Didac is not a silly schoolgirl, he’s not under any delusions of romance or some shit. But he doesn’t think asking for a bit of consideration from his cousin, his fuck buddy and the person he’s done nothing but help is too much! One fucking condition, he thinks he’s worth at least that much but apparently Ganymedes does not agree, and when he’s not getting him off, his desires or needs are unimportant. Well, he might be horny but he’s not desperate, he’s let him get away with too much already but there’s got to be a limit. He reads Mimi to sleep (not slim feat) and stays in her room and does his homework and reads the L Club’s book of the week by the light of her lamp while he waits for Ganymedes to fall asleep.

 

He regularly gets up and checks for Ganymedes breathing patterns (if something good has come out of the whole mess is that he knows the sounds he makes when he’s asleep).

 

When he finally hears the rhythmic breathing from the door left ajar he scurries in and stops in front of the bed where his cousin lies, sheets only covering half his body, illuminated by streetlight and hugging a pillow.

 

He looks so beautiful and Didac hates him for it, for the power he wields over him and, more than anything, for not caring that he does.

 

He gets in the other bed, in his bed and takes a long time to get comfortable because there’s way too much space and he refuses to use a pillow as well.

 

******

 

If he wasn’t so completely self-centered he might have come up with the rather simple idea of waking up early to catch Didac alone but he is and he doesn’t even know what to say yet. The truth sounds terribly unconvincing and he doesn’t want to waste his chances, meanwhile Didac’s cooling down, he reasons and lets it be. The fact that by dinner next day they are still not talking or, in Didac’s cases, giving any signs of knowing he exists, it’s a rather convincing argument in favor of apologizing, poorly or not. Ganymedes is egocentric and believes himself above most people but not to the point where that blinds him to reality and the fact that he can be wrong and do wrong and even completely and irreversibly fuck up, it’s difficult to forget that you can fuck up when your mother is dead and your family a wreck because of it but Ganymedes belief that he could be great has been going for too long to leave him completely, so it doesn’t and though he feels like shit for the things he has done he still things he has the possibilities to…mend it, mend it and be great and be not just ok, not ok but great. So he doesn’t give up, not again, never again after his only escape only furthered his suffering, he confronts his problems now (only when he is forced to admit they exist, of course).

 

And Didac not talking to him it’s a problem because… he likes him? He’s helpful? The first is partially true and the boy does know what to with his hands better than any girl Ganymedes has ever met. The second…well, he has the trick now, doesn’t he? He can go to the library by himself. He doesn’t need him, he would like to have him but he doesn’t need him and why would he have to apologize just because Didac is afraid of accepting what he is? It’s not as if it’s Ganymedes’ fault Didac took a liking to boys, more like the opposite. So what does he owe him? Ok, he admits Didac helped from day one, but surely just because that let him ogle Ganymedes, what else has he gotten out of this?

 

His thoughts are confronted with the rather stark reality of Mimi and his cousin sitting on the living room floor doing a puzzle and talking quietly. His chest constricts painfully. He’s always been rather good at lying to others and rather bad at lying to himself.

 

So he has to apologize and he does, rather bluntly, he gets into their room closing the room behind himself, his cousin is in his own bed reading, apparently believing he doesn’t need to hide anymore, and doesn’t look at him, just tenses all over.

 

“Didac” – He uses the name purposely, aware he rarely does - “I’m sorry about…kissing you at school; I didn’t think somebody could…”

 

The façade of tranquility falls heavily when his cousin swiftly replies - “Of course you didn’t, you don’t care”

 

“Maybe I don’t, so what?”

 

Didac swallows and clarifies in a low voice - “I meant about me, not about somebody seeing us”

 

“And you are in this for the romance?” – He asks nastily.

 

And Didac looks at him for the first time and of course now that he can’t there’s nothing he would like more than to reach out and touch him and that only serves to incense him further - “No, but I care, about you, about…” - He snorts – “whatever, why would you believe me if I told you if you have never believed it when I have shown you?”

 

“I said I was sorry, what else do you want me to do? I didn’t think, it’s that a crime or what?”

 

“No, not caring isn’t either, just…leave me alone. Go do your magic by yourself and don’t hurt anybody else. I won’t tell my mom anything”

 

Ganymedes tries to plead his case but Didac ignores him and when he cannot ignore him anymore he gets up with his fucking book and leaves the bedroom banging the door.

 

And Ganymedes forgets that he was apologizing and that he was wrong and just gets angry because what he wanted has been denied to him. It’s easier that way, if he’s angry with Didac then he doesn’t have to care that he’s not talking to him or feel guilty about making that happen, he’s got enough to feel guilty about already and even more things to do.

 

It’s Saturday and he occupies himself by finding the nearest herbalist’s to get some of the ingredients for the spell, having decided to consult his mother for future procedure after apologizing for his pasts deeds.

 

This spell needs to be performed at midnight too, well, any moment of the night when the moon shines is good enough but Ganymedes knows the power of the passing of a day into another and Lilah usually stays up till late downstairs and he would need to wait for her to fall asleep before attempting to leave the house.

 

He gets up and dresses as silently as he can, Didac doesn’t stir but instead of feeling satisfied for his stealth he feels disappointed. He shakes the feeling and takes the bag with the herbs from under his bed and leaves.

 

******

 

He’s been sleeping badly lately, or, mostly, having trouble to fall asleep, as much as he doesn’t want to acknowledge the reason, it’s way too clear to deny. So he’s only feigning sleep when Ganymedes gets up and when he doesn’t get out immediately for the bathroom or a glass of water or something equally inane and instead starts to get dressed, he has to force himself to stay in bed.

 

******

 

He doesn’t go far, he’s in the middle of the city and he knows he’s not going to find a more secluded patch of grass than their backyard. The neighborhood is residential and people rarely hang out in their yards, even on a weekend night, so he hopes nobody will spot him spreading the different herbs in a circle or filling a glass with water to put in one of the corners. If somebody does they do not see fit to interrupt him so he proceeds to make the call. He chants his mother’s complete name while concentrating in her. Since magicians seem to have a high disregard for the result their spells would have he doesn’t know if she’s going to appear, semi-transparent and Hollywood-like or he would just…hear her, not like she is inside his head, not at all, like she is very far away or a conjunction of natural sounds. His mom sounds like the night, like the wind and the grasshoppers and the cars in the distance and somehow still like herself and she’s saying his name and maybe because her voice is made of such things, it sounds sweet, but Ganymedes would like to believe it is because she loves him, despite everything, because he’s been clinging to the belief she does since the night in the woods. He doesn’t know how to make his voice fit the strange atmosphere so he listens, even though the plan implied exactly the opposite, his mom, though, is not longer bound to the earth and apparently to mortal things such as the need to hear things said to know them, she accepts the apologies he doesn’t utter and tells him she needs him to do what he promised and take care of the family, to apologize to them and not to her. She tells him the spell he’s using is a powerful one but one that works with the power of the love dead and alive share and therefore not harmful. But even love runs out, she warns, the more you use the spell the more you will lose me, till there’s nothing left. You need to learn to live without me, Gan, and if you use magic you need to learn that it’s powerful, yes, but it also has a cost. And when he says yes this time is not out of desperation, out of need of giving her whatever she asks for before he loses her because now he knows he never will, not because he will always be able to call her like this but because she’s right, she hasn’t really gone, if she had really gone then he won’t still love her so much. He understands what grieving people need to understand to let go, that as long as he loves her she will always be around. Maybe he will only ever talk to her each Halloween or only when something monumental happens but he can live with that, with loving her from afar, with the possibility of talking to her again, even if he never does. It’s quite probable she knows the effect being death has on her mandates’ effectiveness because the last thing she does it’s repeat one, Leave Dark Magic alone, Ganymedes.

 

******

 

It’s only when Ganymedes gets back that he’s able to doze off.

 

And it’s also Ganymedes who wakes him up, he’s smiling widely and it takes him a moment to remember they are supposedly not talking and by then Ganymedes is gushing excitedly about…

 

“You talked to her?”

 

“Yes” – The smile is brilliant and Didac cannot get himself to tell him off for waking him or for bothering him again, he looks so different like this…

 

“I…she told me a few things too” – He deflates slightly and looks apart – “I’m sorry, it wasn’t because I didn’t care, really, I just…had gotten myself so worked up in Math and…”

 

“Worked up?” – Didac asks, confused, and Ganymedes looks up to glare at him – “Hard”

 

“Yeah, but what’s that got to do with me? It’s not as if you even could see me…”

 

“I can watch you in class, it was a stupid idea but I’m in the wrong Math’ level and that morning you had…” – He stops and shakes his head – “The point is that I’m sorry I risked…exposing you.”

 

“Are you?”

 

He nods - “I’m sorry about a lot of things, she said I should apologize to living people instead of to her”

 

“And did the others forgive you?”

 

“Hardly, I haven’t asked them to, yet” – His attempt to appear relaxed fails in the face of the fact that Didac knows him too well.

 

Didac sighs, second chances are alright but he was honestly scared about being discovered and he doesn’t feel up to a repeat, he can forgive Ganymedes but he won’t be able to forgive himself the stupidity of imagining things can go back to what they were, they cannot. Half of him won’t mind even that insignificant thing they had but he can’t do that to himself, he cannot let himself fall so low and he doesn’t really want to either – “You might want to work a bit harder in your other apologies” – He suggests, enjoying the alarm in the others face because it means he really cares, in his fucked up teenaged way and then smiles and accepts – “Ok, but…” – But he doesn’t get to finish, Ganymedes has his arms around him and is hugging him too tight, the embrace takes shorter than the deep kiss that follows and when it’s over it’s so so difficult to look up and say it but Didac does – “Not this, I can’t do this again” – He pushes Ganymedes away but with just enough force to get the message across and him moving on his own. He doesn’t want to hurt him, he never has been angry enough to want to, but he can see in the shell-shocked way he looks at him that he has, and then nods and gets up - “Ok, I…won’t”

 

******

 

“I’m glad you’ve patched things up with your mom” Didac smiles consolingly at him and though for a moment he wants to lash out, to hurt him back he’s done enough of that already and he lets him because he actually needs consoling, his forgiveness was such an immense relief and then…this. Or not this, more like. But it’s only logical he got tired of being played with and Ganymedes knows he’s never been as inconsiderate with anybody as he has with him and that asking for another chance was too much to ask. Always hoping he will forgive him again is not a nice way to go in any kind of relationship, he knows…he does know but it doesn’t hurt any less to be deprived of what he wants? Desires? Craves? Even needs? He isn’t sure anymore but he’s grateful enough not to insist. Only just.

 

Telling Mimesi that he’s sorry is kind of pointless, not because she’s a kid but because it really doesn’t meant anything if he doesn’t start acting differently.

 

Since there’s no moment like the present he offers to take her to the park, it’s getting cold but the day is sunny enough that with a jacket playing outside would be nice. When she immediately calls for Didac to come with them the effect of his absence finally sinks in, this is the girl who worshiped him and smothered him with hugs and kisses every time he got home and laughed simply because he made a funny face.

 

Didac comes and their eyes meet and he must understand something, somehow, because he deposits Mimesi, who jumped him on sight, on the floor and tells her he has homework and they will have to go by themselves. Mimi seems disappointed but they end up having a good time all the same, with her it’s the only times he gets to do something as simple as play in the park and he would feel like a kid again if he ever had stopped feeling like one, what he feels it’s the freedom of not caring what others may think because his little sister is smiling and running up and down and for the first time in months they are not just in the same space but together. He’s missed her.

 

He’s missed someone else too. Now it seems the moment to take the first step instead of waiting for him to.

 

“Do you want to talk with dad?” – He asks her before putting the key in the keyhole and she nods – “Can we call now?”

 

“I don’t know” – He doesn’t care either, fuck time difference, his dad’s been away for too long and Ganymedes has made a promise to his mom.

 

It turns out it’s ten in the morning in Germany, from where Lilah tells them their dad called the day before and she forgot to tell them. Ganymedes doesn’t mind, it’s not as if he would have talked to him then and the fact that he was in Germany was negligible seeing as all Europe was more or less equally not here.

 

Ganymedes marks the long number slowly and double-checking and waits with his heart beating hard for someone to pick up – “Alan Leirteen talking”

 

“Hello, dad” – He says and it’s the first time he’s talked to him since he left and seems kind of anticlimactic but, what else can he said?

 

“Gan!” – There’s surprise there, and also joy – “How are you?”

 

“Better, when are you coming?”

 

“I know I said I would visit but…”

 

“I meant for us. We want to go back home”

 

“Lil said you were…” – For some unaccountable reason he tends to forget his aunt is his father’s sister.

 

“We are happy here, it’s true” – He only sees his aunt is standing near then and smiles a little at her – “But we want to go home, with you”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

The truth is that he’s not but if he wants it to become the truth… - “Yes”

 

“The conference will be over in two days, can you wait that long?”

 

“What if I said “no”?” – He challenges, he’s ready to give in a lot of things (he’s giving up a lot already) and he cannot help wanting guaranties his father is ready to do the same.

 

A sight - “I would take the next plane”

 

He can remember a time when his father would have told him to “suck it up” and actually misses it, a time when he wasn’t to be indulged like a capricious kid even though he was indeed young.

 

“We can wait, but if you are not here by Wednesday there’s going to be a forfeit”

 

His father laughs and Ganymedes is warmed by the still familiar sound.

 

He hands Mimi the receiver and mouths – “He’s coming”

 

******

 

Lilah would die to know what happened to produce this change of mind in her nephew, she wonders for a moment if Didac might tell her once her niece and nephew are gone but it’s just wishful thinking.

 

******

 

He actually has got homework to do but not much actually gets done, he is distracted. He lies on his bed and mentally lists reasons he shouldn’t kiss Ganymedes when he gets back. They are all perfectly logical and he’s not convinced at all.

 

When the other burst into the room and closes the door behind himself, flushed and again smiling he doesn’t think he would be able to stop himself. It’s been but a few hours since he turned him down, he can’t be that pathetic!

 

“He’s coming” – He announces grinning broadly.

 

Didac props himself in his elbows - “Who?”

 

“My father!”

 

“Oh, so he is finally visiting?” – He still doesn’t trust their father much and his voice has a rather inappropriate amount of sarcasm.

 

“He’s not visiting” – Ganymedes clarifies somehow more abated – “He’s coming for us”

 

It takes him a moment to recover the faculty to speak - “You are leaving?” – It’s not that he won’t miss Mimi dearly but he’s asking about Ganymedes.

 

Who nods and jokes – “You are finally getting rid of me”

 

He hasn’t got his tongue down his throat yet so he supposes it’s comprehensible and somehow more forgivable that it betrays him so blatantly – “I don’t want to” 

 

There’s just so much denying one person can impose himself at a time.

 

Ganymedes seems surprised and disbelievingly asks – “You don’t?” – He frowns – “But you said…”

 

“You think that because I don’t want to kiss you I won’t miss you at all?” – He asks, unable to believe he can be so thick– “How stupid can you get?”

 

“Well, it didn’t actually felt as if you had forgiven me” – His cousin protests – “Like, oh, yeah, I forgive you because I’m so good but don’t you dare touch me because obviously you are going to fuck up again and ruin my life”

 

“I have forgiven you!” – He sits up, agitated - “I just…don’t trust you” – He confesses, feeling guilty even though it’s a perfectly logical reaction, why is it that perfectly logical never works near this boy?

 

“Have you heard of not talking if you have nothing useful to say?” – The answer tries to be caustic but his voice’s lowered and Didac knows he’s hit a nerve.

 

“Nothing more beautiful than the silence” – He corrects, trying not to smile – “Not useful, the truth is both though”

 

“The truth beautiful? As in the fact that you cannot trust me is beautiful? What are you on?”

 

“Ok, so maybe not beautiful, still useful, right?”

 

Sullenly - “What for?”

 

“For you to understand why I’m not snogging you right now” – He’s not sure that’s what he meant to say or that he meant to say it quite so charged with desire.

 

That definitely gets his attention; he meets his eyes – “Right now?”

 

Didac just nods, a lump in his throat.

 

“Shouldn’t you give me the opportunity to make it up to you?” – The other asks, voice lower and rippling, innuendo so obvious Didac would have to be blind, deaf and in the middle of a stampede to miss it.

 

“No, I have already forgiven you” – He gets out, scared and eager both.

 

“Of course you have” – And it’s obvious he doesn’t believe it and isn’t preoccupied by it either, Didac would like to still posses his ability to be offended – “That’s why I have to compensate you, for being so…pious”

 

That kills the arousal better than a cold shower, Didac laughs – “Pious?!”

 

“Yes, don’t get smart on me, that’s the word”

 

Didac laughs again – “The word is fine! The problem is applying it to me”

 

Somehow Ganymedes is near the bed, where he’s sitting down and then he is in front of him, looking down at him and then…up…at him. And Didac breath hitches, his pants very tight again, and he’s absolutely unable to produce any other sound.

 

******

 

He has no fucking idea what he’s doing and much less why but he rather likes the ragged breathing and trembling lip he’s produced just by kneeling. He puts his hands in Didac’s knees and watches him move his lips in a parody of speech.

 

Reassured by the other’s nerves he puts on what tries to be a sly smile - “Should I stop?”

 

He’s experimented himself the way your brain can literally stop at moments like this and to be the one doing it, just offering something so irresistible the other person has no option but to accept, something you are not even doing yet…Something that he is not so sure he can do at all.

By the way Didac is looking at him he reckons it’s quite probable he will come in his pants before he has to decide, wouldn’t that be convenient?

 

But he doesn’t, not when he trails his hands up his clothed thighs, not when he unbuttons his jeans or even opens the fly. He just watches him with that incredulous expression and Ganymedes forces his mind at the situation at hand and not at the implications. He tugs at the jeans and Didac breathlessly points out the door it’s not locked, he doesn’t get up to lock it though and Ganymedes is pretty it’s pleased that even though they could be discovered he’s not able to make himself do it.

 

But he doesn’t actually want to get caught; the thing is that if he gets up he risks letting his cousin getting second thoughts, and now that he’s decided he doesn’t want anybody interfering. So he gets up but instead of going to the door he leans down, putting a hand in Didac’s shoulder and cradling his face with the other and gives him a long and deep kiss, the kind of kiss he’s been aching for, the kind of gesture that can express how carefree he’s been feeling since that Saturday night.

 

He hadn’t known that you could feel so happy and still so frustrated for not being able to share that happiness. The kiss is like screaming very loudly, the kind of thing people do on the bow of a gigantic ship or the border of an abysm.

 

He backs down and looks at Didac, who’s closed his eyes but opens them halfway then, he looks…well, wanton, saturated with pleasure, and like he’s giving up doubting and thinking and it’s just enjoying the sensations, not very much like he’s going to freak up and remember Ganymedes is a prick and they shouldn’t be doing this. The idea he can make somebody feel that way has always been incredible arousing for Ganymedes but he couldn’t touch Seven that casually, that naturally and unthinkingly, he had grown used to her and maybe even loved her but not to sex with her, they had hardly slept together twice before his downfall started and therefore the fights with anybody who cared for him and saw what he was doing to himself. Seven had not liked not getting her way, he had thought then, and had told him he could go on in his way to become a yuppie but she didn’t want to have anything to do with it. He had thought of apologizing to her, of trying to make her understand, but her criticism had been too fierce for his ego to take, even while he had missed her sharp commentaries, her wicked smiles, just…her presence, he hadn’t been able to do it. But back then he hadn’t had the energy to do anything except numb the pain by hurting himself and others so...maybe he would call her, once they were home, he vaguely plans while he finally turns the lock and it clicks loudly, making things definitive somehow, unstoppable.

 

“You don’t have to…” – Didac whispers hollowly and it’s perfectly evident he will actually be quite peeved if he accepted his offer.

 

Ganymedes shakes his head, and plays it down – “Don’t be such a girl, I’m offering you a blow job, not to let you fuck me”

 

Didac gets angry and more confident, Ganymedes wishes these two things didn’t always come together - “Well, if I had known you normally offer to…”

 

He shuts him up by sitting in his lap and kissing his neck – “I don’t” – He murmurs near his ear, unable to admit he’s never done something similar, he’s sure Didac knows he had never even looked at other boy before, well, ok, maybe he did look, but it was all for scientific interest and comparison, and obviously that’s why he’s here offering another boy a fellatio, in science’s name.

 

******

 

He cannot believe it. He had completely forgotten about their not-touching accord till Ganymedes got snarky only because he was being considerate. And now, god, he cannot say no, it’s just not anatomically possible for a sixteen year old boy to refuse a blow job from their object of desire, even if their object of desire is a boy with the emotional range of a teaspoon and a gift for fucking up important things. It’s not Didac’s fault, one cannot choose who one …likes, it’s all pheromones and chemical reactions, he’s not sure which and therefore cannot even try to control them, he knew being bad at Chemistry was going to be his downfall academically but didn’t expect it would also affect him quite so personally. 

 

When Ganymedes plants his knees on either side of his hips and starts kissing his neck his body goes lax again, like it was biologically programmed to do it and his mind was completely incapable of doing anything about it besides blabber(possibly aloud) “More…ah… more…more…there…”

 

This is so much better than…anything he can think of, that when for a moment he thinks Ganymedes is backing down he kind of cares but decides he’s missed that hand down there too and the heated kisses and... maybe, him so near, enough not to complain. But then the kisses begin to go lower and lower as he slides down his body, before he gets to his goal they have to move and it’s awkward and Ganymedes laughs against the skin of his abdomen and he cannot help whimpering and God, why had nobody told him air could feel so great? He vaguely wonders if there are any breathed-air worshipers he can join.

 

Ganymedes looks up with curiosity, and he wonders if he said that aloud. His hair, always so casually messed after just a brush in the mornings it’s really messed now because he’s been touching it quite a bit and has his fingers still firmly closed around a bunch of it.

 

“If you are really doing it you’ll better get to it before I come” – He asks in a broken whisper, Ganymedes smiles cattily at him and resumes kissing his stomach. As usual, Didac can’t decide between his desire to kill him and fuck him.

 

******

 

Didac usually doesn’t talk while they touch, it’s not that he’s silent, he’s noisy as hell and keeps biting things (his own lips, Ganymedes’ shoulders and neck) to muffle the sounds but he doesn’t talk. Today, though, he seems to be running commentary, maybe because Ganymedes is too far away from his mouth for him to muffle anything that way and his lower lip is far too thin to muffle anything. Maybe, Ganymedes likes this idea very much, because today’s activities have made him lose all control, he asked and that’s new too.

 

When he tugs his trousers and pants down he immediately raises his backside from the bed to collaborate, like he cannot get naked fast enough. Ganymedes stops a moment to watch him, no need to say he’s never seen another’s boy’s cock from this close before and it’s not exactly appealing but at least cocks are mostly familiar, pussies were quite discomfiting even if he was only going to put his cock in them and not his tongue. Didac calls his name in something that cannot be classified as nothing but a plea and he takes delight in letting his eyes travel up his body really slowly and hissing – “Yes?” – right on his crotch. Didac hips buck, precome leaking already, and he throws and arm over his face in silent surrender. Ganymedes finally leans in and tastes it, salty and…mucous like. Great, all the porn about the great taste of come was utter bollocks, he thinks while classifying the sound Didac lets out for his collection. He puts his hand on the erection while he thinks of how to get out of it without making a fool of himself, he just can’t bear the idea of that taste in the back of his throat and if he threw up halfway it would only be more of a disaster, right?

 

It seems he’s taken too long because Didac is looking at him, reclining in his elbows and must have seen his expression of distaste – “Just get back up here” – He says needy and uncaring but… Ganymedes has never liked to be told what to do, he moves quickly and efficiently off the bed, fetches his jacket and gets a condom out of the chest pocket before Didac has properly sat up. It turns out getting a condom in someone else it’s much easier than putting one yourself, fairly pleasant view too, the way Didac’s eyes turn glassy and he lets go and sprawls on the bed like his muscles have turned liquid on him. With the plastic in-between it’s easier too, the condom doesn’t taste great but it doesn’t taste awful either, when he purses his lips against the very tip Didac gets his arm up so fast it smacks against his face and even with it obviously in his mouth the sound he makes it’s pretty loud, like a yowl that’s not so much muffled as suddenly lowered in volume by an obstacle.

 

Ganymedes laughs, impressed - “Didac, your mother’s gonna hear”

 

Didac glares down at him but Ganymedes notices his interest hasn’t gone down one bit, and that there are deep teeth indentations in his arm – “It’s not as if you are hurrying up” – Their eyes are still connected when he takes the head in his mouth again and he’s pretty sure Didac would have screamed had he had any air left, he gasps desperately, like he’s drowning. Instead the thing in his mouth is warm and pulsing and he has to use his hands to anchor Didac’s hips to the bed or he will chock but as he slowly gets more of it in he thinks he might even manage, if he keeps his eyes in the other’s face and doesn’t think too closely about what he’s doing, that’s it.

 

******

 

It happens so abruptly that he’s glad he’s got a condom on or he will make Ganymedes chock, it’s also so intense that he’s not aware of himself for the duration of it. When he comes down he’s panting and opens his eyes to find Ganymedes looking at him worriedly – “Gods, I think you…fainted” – He murmurs and then he’s closer and kissing him and it takes him a moment to remember to close his eyes but not a second to kiss back.

 

He discovers a wet patch in his cousin’s trousers and not soon has he touched the hardness there it is pulsing and Ganymedes it’s crying out against his ear and scratching his arm and chest.

 

His mother call to dinner wakes them up from their dozing but Ganymedes still seems reluctant to move from what he thinks must be a rather uncomfortable spot on his chest. He hasn’t been a very sporty person since “the fight” with Richie years ago but he never quite forgot he enjoyed sports and there’s obligatory PE and running at the park or wherever and just, life. So he’s quite satisfied with his body, a bit muscled but not too much so it isn’t out of place with his quite average height but he doesn’t think his chest would be comfortable to sleep in, not like…a girl’s.

 

He manages to disentangle himself from Ganymedes and once he’s decent again (so as not to risk being dragged into bed again and shut up with the always working trick of a hand-job) he shakes his cousin and forces him out of bed and in the direction of the closet. He throws the condom in the paper bin but it’s still present in his mind. It doesn’t matter how much he tries to make himself look normal, he still looks terribly strange in the mirror and it’s only when his cousin assures him – “It’s only you who sees it, guilty conscience and all that, get a move”

 

“And to think I had to force you to get ready” – He smiles at him.

 

“Exactly my point, now I am I wanna eat” – He sounds rather annoyed but he waits up for him and Didac has learned now to believe Ganymedes’ actions above his words.

 

If the way Ganymedes looks at him during dinner is any indication, he’s not the only one who sees it.

 

******

 

He spends Sunday’s night with Didac, sex it’s the perfect thing to get anything else out of your mind as far as he is concerned and he doesn’t want to think about his dad’s imminent return or the fact they are going back home, or more like, back to a place that was home and needs “reconstruction” of a very tricky kind, one that’s he not sure they will be able to perform. He knows he needs to try but he’s gotten…used to all this, to this boy who insists his chest is uncomfortable to lay on but it’s perfectly fine laying on his and who seems to care beyond all reason about almost everybody and never asks anything but the minimum, ignorant of the law of market that the highest you value something the more people will want it and the more they will give for it. Any other person would have told him to fuck off a million times already and he thinks Didac should have and that not doing it is bad for him but at the same time…he likes this sort of trust he seems to have in him, whatever he might say. And he’s going to miss it, the almost unwavering support he’s received in exchange of absolute nothing, there’s no market with Didac and it’s strange and he would have thought it was stupid but it’s kind of precious that a person can be that free of the cruel laws of the world and just give so much without asking for anything in return. Even if Didac does like giving he would feel as a much better person if he was able to return something, he almost wants to return something. Something a bit more substantial than a blow job, that’s it. But what can he give when he’s not even sure he will be able to save his family life from total wreck?

 

It’s not only that he will miss this (Didac mumbles in his sleep when he presses harder against him) but that he’s afraid of what can happen once they get settled, will his father just get too stressed and hire a nanny? Will he get so fed up he will run out in the middle of the night to have a smoke somewhere? Will they fight all the time again and make Mimi cry? Will she be alright with changing schools once again and with changing homes and letting Lilah and Didac behind from one day to the next? He realizes too late he should have explained the implications of what their father coming back meant.

 

Having thought his cousin was asleep it’s a pleasant surprise when he snuggles up to him and mumbles in his ear something intelligible, he doesn’t ask what it is but the company and the gesture are comforting.

 

******

 

Ganymedes is acting strangely the next morning, first he is already awake when Didac opens his eyes and not only that, he’s looking at the ceiling with an expression of deep concentration that makes one wonder if he’s pondering some great philosophical matter. So he’s introspective today, Didac can accept that, as unbelievable as it may appear, but then when he moves to get out of bed he’s dragged right in as usual and snogged silly, if the universe was at stake it’s obviously just gone to hell. Accordingly, Didac doesn’t give a damn.

 

This alternation between distracted and frighteningly focused keeps happening all day, when they are in public and Ganymedes cannot kiss him he still stares fixedly at him and pays an unusual grade of attention to whatever he’s saying. Nobody seems to notice besides Angela, who’s not so much confused by his attitude as checking him out. Didac can hardly invent any more reasons not to set them up that don’t include a variation of a possessive adjective.

 

When they get home, together, Didac realizes his cousin’s been around all day instead of hanging out with his own friends but he decides to let it be, after all, maybe he doesn’t want to see them anymore now that he’s leaving, knowing how weirdly his cousin’s mind works anything is possible. They get there and Ganymedes sits in the living room sofa to watch TV as he usually does while Didac sits at the table to get his homework over with and drink a coffee while Mimi eats cookies and drinks her chocolate milkshake as they usually do. Only that when Didac finishes and Mimi asks his help with her homework and the program Ganymedes likes is over, instead of disappearing to do his own homework in his room, he comes and sits with them. Mimi doesn’t seem to notice, she’s worried about the multiplication tables she has to know for the next day, Didac asks her and she answers as quickly as she can till they get to the seventh table and it’s obvious she’s got no idea and Didac tactfully tells her to read them on her own and then he will ask her again. When he looks away from Mimi’s displeased face he catches Ganymedes looking at him and the worst thing is that he doesn’t look apart, at least he isn’t looking at him like he wants to devour him, but the thoughtful expression is not less unnerving. He’s about to ask what’s going on when the other boy looks down, shakes his head and starts writing. Didac blinks at him but decides that asking would probably only provide denial and lets it be.

 

When Mimi finally knows her tables well enough and Didac gets up to go to the bathroom Ganymedes puts down his pen and demands to know where he’s going and if he doesn’t remember he owes Mimesi and him a story. Didac goggles at him, he is absolutely sure he doesn’t owe them any stories this time, he told Ganymedes that one about the whore and Mimi a long one about a princess who made friends with a dragon the other night to get her to sleep. But as kids are wont to do, Mimi doesn’t remember and insists that of course he owes them a story; Her brother, making no effort to conceal a smirk, hurries to add that it has to be long to compensate for him trying to sneak out of doing it and Didac accedes to tell them whatever they want as soon as he’s gone to the bathroom, when Mimi asks if he’s only going to pee or more he turns around and runs upstairs, he can hear Ganymedes laugher drifting up to the second store till he closes the door behind him.

 

He’s washing his hands when the bathroom door opens a crack, he usually doesn’t lock it because his mother has some paranoid ideas about him slipping, cracking his head open and she being unable to assist him, but for the same reason they never open the door without knocking to check it’s free. He sees Ganymedes a moment before the door is slammed closed and he’s slammed against the sink and kissed forcefully.

 

He’s got nothing against kissing but something is going on with his cousin and enough is enough, he grabs him by both shoulders, hard, and forces him to look at him before asking, seriously – “What’s wrong with you?”

 

The other shrugs, though not with enough force to shake his grip - “Nothing, or are you having a crisis and think this is wrong?” – He sneers.

 

Didac ignores the provocation – “You have been acting really strange all day”

 

“Have not”

 

“You have, you have been…following me around, this is the first time in the whole day I’m by myself and here you come again”

 

“I haven’t been following you!” – And now he’s angry enough to move away from him – “Who do you think you are? I just felt like spending time with you and it goes to your head like…”

 

“Now that you are leaving” – Didac completes – “You decided to spend time with me because you are leaving, right? Because you had never felt like it before”

 

He expects Ganymedes to deny it so of course he doesn’t - “I have and I have spend time with you but yes, I’m leaving and…well, I just thought I will make the most of the time left here. I didn’t know that was the same as stalking you but by all means…”

 

It’s the first time he’s the one initiating the kissing in days, well, ok, since yesterday when their platonic “agreement” went to hell, but he usually doesn’t and when he does Ganymedes tends to understand it means something, in this case that he doesn’t want to fight, not over the fact that he’s leaving and Didac is not going to see him for months and months and his house will be silent and he will have a hard time sleeping alone. About that there’s nothing to say…

 

Fortunately they are still just kissing when Mimi opens the door wide – “Gany, you said…” – She looks at them and neither of them moves beyond separating his faces and turning to look back at her and just when Ganymedes seems to react she gleefully tells Didac – “I told you he liked you!”

 

Ganymedes looks back at Didac, back at his sister’s smug smiling face and then breaks into a full blown giggling attack. Didac ends up needing to hit his back to prevent chocking but they finally manage to get out of the bathroom and into their room for the story-telling.

 

Mimi is a lot more interested in them than in a story though, she’s fucking seven, where’s the innocence? – “Gany” – She protests – “You didn’t tell me!”

 

Ganymedes just looks too flabbergasted to explain himself and she adds – “You told me about Seven”

 

“Who’s Seven?” – He asks immediately, though given the situation…

 

“Was my girlfriend” – Ganymedes answers before Mimi can do it herself and then tells her – “See why I don’t tell you things? You promise not to tell and then go babbling about it to anybody who asks”

 

“I didn’t ask and I’m not anybody” – He clarifies quite more rashly than necessary.

 

“But Didac is my friend, if somebody likes your friend you tell them” – The girl logically arguments. And there is where her innocence is, Didac realizes, by some chance of fate the girl doesn’t seem to find anything amiss with the fact that they were kissing, she’s even equaling their relationship to the one Ganymedes had with a girl.

 

“Wait, wait” – Didac lifts her and sits her in Ganymedes bed – “He doesn’t mean that, he didn’t tell you that, remember? You just thought it yourself, he means about Seven and he’s an idiot, of course, because I don’t care about Seven” – He dares to glance at Ganymedes then, who looks strangely tense. He seemed so angry that Didac had found out about his former girlfriend but he doesn’t seem relieved or…

 

“Maybe I don’t want you to know about my private life” – He comments coldly but Didac can see he’s just covering up his own discomfort and anyway, it’s ridiculous, he knows a lot about Ganymedes private life.

 

“Are you serious?” - He puts on an accordingly disbelieving look.

 

“But…” – Mimi starts to say but even before Didac can turn to look at her Ganymedes is lifting her up and declaring they will be back in a minute. He closes the door behind them.

 

******

 

“Let’s make a deal” – Ganymedes tells her.

 

“What deal?” – She asks, shifting to get comfortable in his arms.

 

“You won’t tell about what I tell you to Didac”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because if I want him to know I will tell him myself”

 

She sighs, annoyed – “Ok, whatever” – She agrees with a tone very similar to his own. He remembers the general hilarity that ensued when Mimi’s first word was “joke” because he kept saying that this and that “was such a joke”.

 

He’s about to smile at her approvingly when she adds with a toothy smile, one her front teeth fell a week ago – “But I won’t tell you what he says about you”

 

And, of course, then there’s nothing he wants more than to know exactly that but he plays it calm – “He doesn’t say anything about me”

 

Mimesi just smiles – “He doesssss”

 

Ganymedes decides to stop arguing with his baby sister about his cousin who’s also something-else-but-not-his-boyfriend.

 

When they get back in said cousin asks them if they are done with the spy conference and if they really want to hear his story or what. He seems annoyed and for some reason Ganymedes wants to kiss him, surely because he didn’t finish earlier in the bathroom, he reasons and tells him that of course they want to hear it and returns Mimesi to his bed and sits in Didac’s, maybe his cousin notices he has less than pure intentions because he immediately moves to the other bed. It’s kind of ridiculous and his sister laughs at them but Didac clears his throat and...asks what they want the story to be about.

 

“A princess!” – Mimesi exclaims.

 

“I told you about a princess the other day” – Didac reminds her but it’s kind of useless, Mimi doesn’t remember things that didn’t actually happen for too long and when she does her memories are quite fragmented.

 

“If she doesn’t remember you can tell it again” – He suggests, he would like to know what kind of things Didac comes up with when unrestricted by an adult’s opinion. He doesn’t wonder why he would like to know but he does – “Would you like that, Mimi?”

 

“There is a princess?” – She checks.

 

******

“Yes” – Ganymedes assures her placidly and Didac has to wonder why he wants to hear what very obviously amounts to fairy tale when he was requesting sex the other day but if that’s what they want it’s fine by him, he’s not up to being creative anyway.

 

******

Princess Haguit lives in a castle in the middle of Beautiful Valley with his father and his mother, the king and the queen. They live happily till one day a dragon appears in the valley and starts terrifying their subjects. Haguit’s big brother is supposed to be the most courageous knight they have but he left the valley to go visit his fiancé the week before and took with him his two best friends, who are also the second and third best knights. Beautiful Valley is a peaceful kingdom and the king, Haguit’s father, hadn’t thought they would be needed.

****

“How old is the princess?” – Mimi wants to know and Didac shakes his head and gently but firmly reprimands her – “You will find out when is important, Mimi”

 

She huffs but lies down on the bed and is silent.

****

The king was in his youth…(What’s that?) when he was young, he was a very talented knight but he isn’t young anymore and hasn’t got the strength to fight a dragon.

 

Haguit, who sees his father’s worried and is bored to death in the castle because she’s not allowed to go the Valley’s village to play with her friends, decides to go and see the dragon, after all, if he’s so distracted creating havoc and eating people he surely won’t notice tiny Princess Haguit.

 

So she sneaks out of the castle one morning and goes in search of the dragon, since she’s eight and never goes anywhere alone she soon gets lost. In the rocky landscape it’s also not so strange that she ends up falling into a hole and being unable to get out.

 

Fortunately for her, with the castle in a frenzy because of her disappearance, her loyal Iayalen, manages to get out and find her. Of course, Iaya is a tiny and fluffy dog who makes lots of noise and not exactly helpful when one is in a hole but her barking attracts attention.

 

Unfortunately, is not the attention of a loyal subject or of any other creature that might be naturally inclined to help a little girl in a hole but Haguit is quite pleased nevertheless that she gets to see the dragon after all the work she went through. The dragon, incidentally, seems quite pleased to see Princess Haguit and, to the girl’s surprise, it’s a lot more skilled with his long tail that one would think for such an enormous beast and manages to coil it around her and take her out. The fact that it starts flying right afterwards dampens the princess’s gratefulness a tad.

 

In the dragon’s cave there are lots of people trapped within piles of rocks but alive. But Princess Haguit is deposited in a high rock where the dragon can observe her. After she’s quite safe, the beast shakes off Iaya, who had been clinging with teeth and claws to its tail. Haguit scream saves Iaya from being quite soundly crushed. Iaya is grateful, the prisoners who have her jumping and barking madly on their faces, are not.

 

******

Ganymedes is looking at him like he’s mad but Mimi’s laughing her ass off, again, so the story is working.

 

“What?” – He challenges – “You don’t like the story about a princess?”

 

“Aren’t stories about princesses supposed to be about chivalrous warriors and beautiful damsels in distress?” – Ganymedes points out.

 

“In the Middle Ages, yes, but since lots of people already told those stories then…”

 

“Didac!” – Mimesi complains – “Why have you stopped?”

 

“Sorry” – He startles - “I will continue now”

 

******

Princess Haguit, who might be in mortal danger but it’s still eight years old and bores easily, soon stops screaming and starts talking, to the dragon since she’s royalty and cannot be bothered with those poor fellows in the floor who hold no power. The dragon first looks at her strangely, at least that’s what Haguit thinks the expression conveys, she is not exactly a expert of dragon’s expressions though. Then it gets nearer and Haguit loses track of what she is saying because it is really huge. Finally, the dragon responds, his language is archaic, polite, a bit rough and perfectly understandable even to a little girl. A sudden silence spreads over the cavern.

 

Haguit’s shock wears off sooner rather than later since the fact that most animals don’t talk seems logically inapplicable to a magical beast, especially now after the dragon proves it false (That animals couldn’t talk was a lie). She asks the dragon to liberate her people and herself, quite politely because she’s a lady, and the dragon refuses, quite politely pointing out that he needs to eat people to live. Princess Haguit sits in silence for a stunned second and then suggests the dragon eat sheep and cows instead. The dragon questions the wisdom of a dragon eating human food and the princess shuts up, but then one of the fellows in the floor shouts that the dragon it’s eating human food when it eats humans so it will just be eating it directly. Another one hurries to tell the dragon how delicious cow meat is and how he will have so much of it and nobody will try to kill him for it.

 

The dragon doesn’t seem very convinced in changing a millenary tradition of anthropophagy (eating people) and Princess Haguit promises him he would be able to play with her in her tower all day if he accepts as further incentive.

 

As things go, Princess Haguit’s brother, Prince Michal, comes back with his fiancé and seeing the dragon in the tower and wanting to impress her, shoots it. He’s on the ground and the dragon’s skin is thick but this welcome doesn’t grange him any affect from his sister’s “friend”.

 

The dragon spends the rest of its life playing with the Princess in the terrace and trying to kill her brother "withouth meaning to" in its free time.

 

Everybody is happy and eats sheep and cows.

 

******

 

Ganymedes ends up laughing too, the story is quite ridiculous, after all, and he hasn’t discovered anything remotely interesting about Didac in it except that he’s creative, which is not news at all, he has the other two stories to prove it.

 

After calming down Mimi appears tired and it’s falling asleep in her cousin’s lap and Didac tries to get up to rearrange her more comfortably - “Don’t go” – She asks sleepily and Didac immediately stops moving and explains – “I want to get you in bed if you are going to sleep, I’m not leaving”

 

Mimi blinks – “Are we going to see you If we go home?”

 

Didac looks surprised at the question and looks at him questioningly.

 

“Of course we are going to see him, Mimi” – Ganymedes tells her – “We will visit all the time”

 

Didac is looking at him disbelievingly and he reckons saying what he wants to be truth as if it was might not be such a good strategy. It’s not his fault, he tends to tell Mimi the truth but lately he’s afraid of upsetting her.

 

When Mimesi finally falls asleep with Didac stroking her hair Ganymedes gets up and carefully lifts her up. His cousin looks up at him – “What are you doing?”

 

“Taking her to her bed” – He replies and proceeds to do so. Mimi clings to him for a moment when he tucks her in and he sings to her their mother's favourite song and therefore both their lullaby. When the pressure of her hand in his diminishes and he turns and finds his cousin observing him from the doorframe.

 

“And you accuse me of stalking?” – He comments, eyebrow raised and a half smile playing on his lips as he walks up to him and pushes him out of the room. They get into their own room and the lock on very quickly.

 

Didac kisses him first, firmly and forcing his tongue deep into his mouth with the help of his hands in the sides of his face, Ganymedes kisses back despite the strangeness of the other taking initiative, or maybe, because of it.

 

“I thought you understood you shouldn’t lie to Mimi” – He admonishes between kisses.

 

Ganymedes reverses their positions, pressing him against the wall and declares - “We will see you”

 

“Chicago is not exactly next door” – The other points out.

 

“I don’t care” – And he doesn’t, if he wants to see him, if Mimi wants to see them, then they will find a way, being rich must serve for this at least, even if it was unable to keep his mother alive.

 

They don’t talk after that; but they say a lot of things. 

 

******

 

Persistent knocks on the door accompanied by his shouted name wake him up, Ganymedes is snuggled up to him and hiding his face from the sunlight pouring in through the window in his neck.

 

He checks the clock in the wall, 7:45. “Shit, I’m late”

 

When he tries to get up, of course the same struggle of every morning ensues till he gets fed up – “For fuck’s sake, Let me go!” – Ganymedes opens his eyes and blearily looks up at him.

 

“I have to go to class even if you are skipping”

 

“You are skipping too” – His cousin replies firmly, like it was an evident thing.

 

“What?”

 

“I know you don’t have any exams or hand-ins today, you can afford to skip” – Ganymedes continues.

 

Didac finds this knowledge very flattering but it would not do to appear easy - “Why would I skip?” – He asks more calmly, because he knows of quite a few good reasons and of which ones the other is thinking.

 

“Because I’m probably leaving tomorrow and we haven’t gone anywhere since the camping” – It could be interpreted as if he’s bored and expects Didac to go out of his way to entertain him but Didac knows that’s not what it means, not the way he’s earnestly looking at him, waiting for an answer.

 

He gives in with pleasure - “Ok”

 

******

 

With such a prospect is a lot easier to get up and dressed, though he forces Didac to do it first for obvious voyeuristic reasons and the way being looked at bothers him so much.

 

They get to breakfast and Lilah tells Didac he’s going to be late, he tells her, to Ganymedes astonishment, that they want to go somewhere today since they won’t see each other for so long and that he was thinking of taking Mimi to the park. Lilah seems surprised but easily agrees that one day of school is not a great lost and that they should have fun. She puts some pancakes in the table saying she is commemorating the day too and goes up to wake and dress Mimesi.

 

Ganymedes turns to look at his cousin and states he cannot believe what he just did.

 

“I had to tell her; otherwise she will worry when they called from school”

 

“But what if she didn’t let you go?”

 

“Why wouldn’t she? She knows I care about my grades and that if I consider it opportune to skip school once I’ve thought about the consequences then I must have a good reason”

 

“You two are weird”

 

Didac sticks out his tongue at him - “You are just jealous my parents…” – His smiles vanishes and he swallows audibly but Ganymedes shakes his head and continues for him – “are so cool?”

 

Didac assents – “Yes”

 

“I can use the spell again, to talk to her, I mean”

 

Didac’s eyes open wide and he hurries to clarify that’s only once a year or something, he’s the one surprised when Didac gets up from his chair opposite to him and envelopes him in a hug but he puts his arms around him all the same.

 

******

 

Mimesi is not a morning person and it takes Lilah quite a while of tickling and sweet-talking her while she dresses her, without never getting her completely out of the protection of the covers, to manage to wake her. She takes her down in her arms, maybe crushing her a bit too much but who can blame her when she’s probably not going to see this tiny creature that feels like a inseparable part of herself after so little time for who knows how long? She would like to go with them to wherever they are going, to spend these last hours with the girl and even her nephew but she knows not to intrude, if her son and her nephew do really have something beyond friendship they won’t be able to openly display whatever it is with her there. She wishes she could tell him she knows, that he will be open about it as naturally as he’s open about the fact he is not going to school.

 

“Mimi” – Her nephew calls the girl in her arms – “Come here, there are pancakes” 

 

And since it’s her big brother, hero of her heart, she rapidly stretches her arms in his direction and he sits her in his lap and starts alternatively feeding her and himself. Lilah smiles at the sight and then moves to get milk for the girl and catches her son’s eye, he’s smiling too.

 

She makes them wait till she’s prepared a bag with sandwiches and gives Didac a twenty dollars bill that gets her a raised eyebrow from her nephew, at which she sighs and adds another one – “Thanks, mom”

 

“When are you coming back?” She asks her and he shares a look with Ganymedes before shrugging and promising they will be there by supper time.

 

******

 

They actually go to the park, to Didac’s surprise, who just said it because he knows his mother feels better knowing where he is, though she’s smart enough to assume he’s not going to spend all day there, thus the picnic bag.

 

It’s the park where he confronted Ganymedes, seemingly so long ago, about telling his sister he could make their mom come back. Ganymedes shakes him out of his reverie – “Are you playing or not?”

 

“Playing what?” – He cannot believe Ganymedes really wants to play in the park but he seems totally serious about it and very annoyed he doesn’t know which game they are playing.

 

Mimesi answers for him - “Tag”

 

So they play and have lots of fun, and fall quite a few times (Mimi and Ganymedes mostly); For all the grace he normally posses seems to slip pretty easily in the sand and sand-covered structures they are running about, Didac laughs at him but he seems pretty resigned to it and just chases him or runs away with more impetus. Mimesi’s only advantage is the way she knows all the tricks to move around the place and quickly get from one side to another. Ganymedes seems not to know that Lilah often takes her there to play because he tells her she’s a natural and she should be a gymnast, Mimi preens under the attention.

 

******

 

Alan Leirteen’s flight gets delayed, so even after he managed to get out of the conference early, he’s late. He can’t even manage to be annoyed anymore.

 

Alan’s life has not always been a complete disaster, in fact he had always considered himself fortunate, his parents hadn’t been professionals but he and Lilah had both finished their studies, he had even gone to university and earned a degree, the world of stock exchange had seemed to the eighteen year old who chose to dedicate his life to it like the more direct way to wealth and therefore, happiness. The way things just clicked in his mind, the way everything make sense when it was about the way offer and demand related make him feel confident in a way he had always craved. What else could he ask for? The stunning brunette he met at a party in his third year of university, and he had thought he couldn’t have her, admiring from afar, but once someone passed him some pills and he ended up asking her out. She had refused, of course, but when he had gone and apologized (with a bunch of gardenias in hand) she had asked him to sit with her in the cafeteria and he, his crush having bloomed by direct contact, almost fell over himself to offer to buy her a drink.

 

He had been so smitten he hadn’t run away when the girl started talking about communion with nature and the power of wishing. If she fancied herself a witch it was alright with Alan as long as she didn’t mind his part-time jobs and ratty clothes and kept smiling like that. She was majoring in anthropology and history, which seemed perfectly useless as an economic earning device but excited her to a heart-warming degree. When she finally had agreed to date him Alan had felt like the luckiest boy on earth and stared at her, dumbfounded, she had smiled and had kissed him and proved she was serious. Alan’s mother had thrown a monumental fit when her son’s fiancé decided she wanted to get married in the middle of a forest with a few select people, in a dancing ceremony in a night of full moon but Alan had readily accepted, he couldn’t get over his fear that Salel would change her mind about the marriage altogether. He, rational and meticulous to the ridiculous, only noticed they weren’t legally married when they went to register their son’s birth.

 

They had known each other for eighteen years and been together for seventeen, six months and thirty-two days when Salel had gotten out of a doctor’s office, fell into his arms and started to cry. She had been thirty-seven, in her prime, and that had only made it more difficult to understand, more unfair. Alan had learned to be strong but he had never managed anything remotely near what Salel herself did; She had never cried again in his presence or, that he knew, in anybody’s and refused to see again anybody who she didn’t normally see as if there wasn’t going to be another opportunity to meet with them. She had explained the situation personally to their children and comforted them even when it was evident to them all that all hope had been lost. Alan had let her pretend because he himself could not deal with even the idea of losing her, chemotherapy had replaced classes in her daily routine and nothing about it was mentioned outside of the hospital.

 

It was not that Alan hadn’t noticed his son changing, the way he was always home instead of going out with his friends or the way he and Salel had re-started his magic education with an excessive fervor that talked of repressed desperation, but his son was ok and his wife wasn’t and it was obvious to him who needed him more.

 

Mimesi seemed to understand that her mother was sick but to forget about it most of the time, she spent time with Salel as she had done before, the only noticeable difference was that instead of playing with her brother they both played table games with their mother or just in the floor of whichever room she happened to be in. Salel had tried to push them away, to their normal lives at first, but then relented and enjoyed their company. When she looked at their children Alan could see she was about to lose it, that the thought of leaving them was much more intimidating than death.

 

The day Salel died she had been at home as requested and it had been Mimesi who had come into the living room and told them “Daddy, mommy is still sleeping, I can’t wake her up and she promised to…”

 

He had never heard the rest because he had left the living room and entered their room. Salel hadn’t woken up and reassured him like she had done so many times before. She hadn’t been breathing. That was the first and only time Alan Leirteen suffered a panic attack, he had hyperventilated and fainted, it was also the moment in which he lost his good luck. He had woken up in a hospital with his children cuddled together in plastic chairs besides his bed, looking pale and in shock.

 

It took them a week to get back to routine and his mother had moved in to help them in the process, it just hadn’t worked. He soon took to sleeping in the living and even moved all his clothes to a box in it because he was unable to spend any amount of time in his old room without having difficulties breathing. Mimesi, who had been the less affected by her mother’s sickness, had reacted violently to her grandmother’s rules and asked her to do exactly the things Salel did even when they didn’t make much sense, she had never been satisfied to how her grandmother emulated her daughter-in-law and had changed from a sweet and almost abnormally tame little girl to one capricious and prone to tempter tantrums. Ganymedes at first seemed to have gone back to his social life but it soon became evident that it wasn’t that he was home less but that he was never there except to eat dinner and sleep and sometimes not even for that.

 

Alan had hired a nanny and told his mother to go back to her own home before she ended up hating them all, she had once again insisted they should move and he had shaken his head, How could they live behind the only thing they had left of her? Her memories?

 

And now Ganymedes wanted to go back there, where he had been the happiest and the saddest. One shouldn’t return to places where ones has been happy but what about places where one has been also absolutely miserable?

 

******

 

The fist thing he thinks when he sees his son again is that his hair is Salel’s; the second, when said son hugs him, that he has changed. Mimesi seems happier too and as clingy as ever and Lilah, who has her in her arms, sports that face that means she thinks them the cutest thing in existence, and even though he always made fun of her for it before, it makes him smile now.

 

Mimi is talking about three or four different things in rapid succession and Ganymedes telling her to calm down. His nephew is standing next to him, smiling at their display like he wants to laugh but when their eyes meet his expression turns serious and cautious, all the fondness disappearing. Alan is surprised by such coldness from the nice and always polite kid he remembers but soon dismisses it, distracted by his daughter narrative and the way his son keeps smiling. S m i l i n g, Ganymedes smiling, it’s almost unbelievable, when he realizes he’s doing it too he changes the word to miraculous. 

 

Lilah puts on a movie for the kids and drags him to the kitchen, when she closes the door he knows he’s in trouble. Her words confirm it – “I should kill you”

 

“Wha…”

 

“Don’t you dare ask me what you did!” – She rants on – “Oh, god, you probably really didn’t know that one does not abandon one’s kids after their mother died and one of them tried to kill himself!” – The last part is hissed very loudly right in his ear, making him retreat against the refrigerator instinctually.

 

“Ganymedes didn’t…” – He starts.

 

“Oh, no, of course not, he just drunk till he fainted, I’m sure he was thinking of his own well-being then!”

 

“I didn’t abandon them, I left them with you”

 

“And how that doesn’t amount to abandoning them? Leaving them with someone they hardly know when they are in terribly pain and desperate for affection?”

 

“They looked really happy…” – He says, because it’s the truth and because he hopes that will calm her down.

 

“That things turn out alright doesn’t excuse your execrable actions” – She replies and god, he had forgotten how furious she could get. He readily accepts, even before he realizes how right she is - “No, it doesn’t”

 

When he was a kid he had always thought he will outgrown his older sister, and he’s taller but he has never managed to take the rightness from her, never managed to finally do something that doesn’t require he be treated like a kid. And he cannot even really resent her because it’s his fault.

 

******

 

Rick is really trying not to notice the fact that his nephew is sprawled across his son’s lap againNot abnormal, Lilah’s mental voice chides him, it’s just another taboo, years ago Romeo and Juliet couldn’t be together for an equally stupid reason and now we cry over spilt milk and… It takes effort but he manages to look back at the screen and concentrate in the movie. He almost wishes he didn’t know and won’t notice. and neither of them notices anything abnormal about it.

 

******

 

Lilah insists he stays the night, at the nearest hotel, that’s it, there’s no more available space in the house after it was stretched to its limits to accommodate his children.

 

He offers Ganymedes and Mimi to go with him like it was a holiday but both of them refuse, his son acting like the mere suggestion is offensive.

 

******

 

Ganymedes plans to do the most of the time he has left there but Mimesi seems to have the same plans and when he gets to their room she’s already there sitting in Didac’s bed and asking the pyjama clad boy for a story, Didac looks at him and Ganymedes just knows they had been planning to spend the night the same way. He shrugs and tells Mimesi she can have his bed before turning around and closing the door. Didac looks confused when he lifts his covers and gets in and squirms away, hissing – “What are you doing?”

 

He smiles cattily at him “Getting in bed to listen to the story, what else?”

 

“Ganymedes...” – He warns and he just gets an arm around his middle and hauls him over while whispering in his ear the promise that he will be good.

 

“You will better...”

 

“Gany!” – Mimi adds, clearly annoyed – “Leave Didac alone! He has to tell me a story”

 

“Ok, ok, I promise, I will be quiet”

 

Neither of them seems to believe him but Didac clears his throat and begins.

 

******

 

When he wakes up he’s really surprised to find he has a hard on, apparently coming at least twice before going to sleep was preventing this but last night…they didn’t do anything. Of course Mimi is the bed in front but he expected Ganymedes to attack him thirty seconds after she fell asleep, why else would he want to sleep with him?

 

And then it all comes back to him: They are leaving today. He hides his face in Ganymedes’ chest and it’s grateful for the arm pulling him closer.

 

“Do you think Mimi will wake up if I give you a blow job?” – It’s the rather insensitive commentary that follows. He’s out of bed before he can think better of it, what else did he expect? Honestly, sex is the very reason their separation matters and therefore the best way to spend all the time left.

 

“What’s wrong with you?” – Ganymedes is sitting up, frowning up at him.

 

“Nothing, I just don’t…” – He gesticulates wildly.

 

“That’s why you were rubbing yourself against my leg?” – His cousin cynically consults; Didac’s eyes are drawn downwards, Ganymedes, for once, doesn’t seem to be having the same problem.

 

“I didn’t realize I was…”

 

“So you don’t want a blow job” – Ganymedes says like he’s perfectly ok with the idea and was just being polite.

 

“I will wake up Mimi” – He laughs, remembering last time – “I will wake up everybody”

 

“Mimi sleeps like a log” – Ganymedes rapidly dismisses his worries – “Though it would be better if you didn’t scream”

 

“Really?” – Didac smirks – “I was under the impression you liked it”

 

He’s pleased to see his cousin blush, he hadn’t thought anything related to sex could embarrass him. But lets him off the hook rather soon because the floor is positively freezing. In his favor, it can be said he gets a warm welcoming.

 

******

 

Is Ganymedes most heartfelt opinion that his father wakes up way too early, this opinion would be of little importance to him if he didn’t have the rather annoying habit of waking him right after. But it’s Lilah’s usual knocking recalling him from dream’s world.

 

“Is Mimi with you?” – His aunt asks, sounding worried.

 

“Yes, Didac told her a story, I let her have my bed” – He answers.

 

There’s a momentary silence and then she tells him his father is waiting downstairs and he should dress so she can help Mimi get ready, she doesn’t tell him to wake Didac as she usually does when he’s the one answering the door. Ganymedes smirks, pleased at having been right. He stops rather suddenly when Didac pushes him to the floor and glares down at him – “Thanks a load”

 

“Ouch! Thanks for what? She knew!”

 

“You didn’t know that”

 

“Yes, I did”

 

“Maybe she…”

 

“Didac, nobody can not notice an unused bed for so long when she makes the beds daily” – He sighs – “You know what? Keep telling yourself your mother doesn’t know and you can’t tell her, if you can believe that then…” – He shakes his head and starts to get dressed.

 

Didac jumps – “I don’t see how it’s any of your business what I tell myself!”

 

He looks up from his jeans buttons - “I guess It’s not” – He admits – “I was just trying to act as your friend and tell you that you are being an ass but… maybe I’m not your friend? Am I, cousin?”

 

******

 

And Didac knows perfectly well what he is asking: Have I changed? And he has, he’s by no means perfect or even reformed but Didac can believe he cares, even if only a bit and it’s pants at showing it. So he can believe they are friends, not the best friends on earth but…good enough to be called that – “You are” – He agrees, calming down.

 

Ganymedes stares at him for a moment while he starts searching for clothes and he lets him because he really doesn’t want to continue with the previous topic now that he’s given the other authority to criticize him.

 

They get downstairs and Didac is painfully surprised when his uncle is occupying his place at the table and Ganymedes occupies his own, next to him. He eats as quickly as he can, he has to go to school today but mostly he wants to leave them alone to mend bridges while he doesn’t have to look and feel absurdly left-out.

 

When he gets back to his room his mother is tickling Mimi awake and he stops there, watching them and don’t knowing how to feel now that it has been confirmed that she knows. When she sees him she puts on a weird face and asks what he’s looking at.

 

He shakes his head and begins collecting the books he will need today.

 

“Didac, are you ok?”

 

He nods.

 

“Can’t you stay home today?”

 

He turns to look at her - “You are asking me to skip lessons?”

 

“It’s an important day; two persons you have been living with for almost five months are leaving. I will write you a note for your tutor”

 

He has the intense desire to whine something infantile like how if they are leaving it’s their decision and he’s not going to feel bad about it but instead he says he can’t skip class again today. He’s not sure if it’s true or if he just won’t be able to stand being there when they leave.

 

All his plans turn out to be pretty pointless when Ganymedes bursts in the Library Club reunion.

 

******

 

“What are you doing here?” – He asks, once outside. He feels exposed by the way his cousin acts as if he had a right to reclaim his attention like that.

 

“What are you doing here?” – Ganymedes counterattacks – “You know I’m leaving and you just…”

 

“I went to class” – He finishes not sounding so much cool as excusing himself – “I’m a student, it’s what I do”

 

“God, don’t be ridiculous” – The other rapidly dismisses the justification – “What is it? Are you still mad about this morning?”

 

“No, I’m not, there’s no it”

 

“Why did you leave then?” – His cousin asks, seriously.

 

“I already…” – Didac starts to be rudely interrupted and shoved against the lockers, they rattle quite loudly.

 

“Don’t lie” – He says, so low but so near, his forehead drops in Didac’s shoulder, for a moment, then he looks up to his face again – “Just…”

 

It must be some fucked up instinct of his that makes him react and pull him into a classroom, there’s plenty empty but unclosed with classes over and clubs and cleaning going on.

 

Ganymedes looks up at him, still reclining part of his weight in his chest but not looking angry anymore, Didac realizes he hasn’t let go – “What...?” – But Didac doesn’t want to talk, he doesn’t know how to say I will miss you so much I want to make myself believe I really don’t care so it’d hurts less or I want you to stay so he kisses him instead, and maybe, since he has that in mind, it does mean something but when Ganymedes, who has never shown any skill using words to tell the truth, kisses back forgetting his surprise or possible objections, he forgets to care about what it might mean.

 

******

 

Ganymedes had not been pleased at discovering Didac had fled to school while he was distracted with breakfast without even saying goodbye, knowing he was leaving latter that day. When he had insisted on going to tell him goodbye his dad had seemed perfectly dumbfounded but his aunt had very naturally told him that while he couldn’t interrupt classes, Didac had Library Club after that and he would find him there. He had spent the rest of the morning re-filling his suitcases till they were about to explode, which was quite strange considering he didn’t recall acquiring anything.

 

And now here he has his cousin, painting, red-mouthed, colours high and about to come in his pants from the pressure of his knee and he stops moving, even though he’s hard himself – “Tell me why you left”

 

Didac looks at him, not understanding - “What?”

 

“If you are not angry with me then…why?”

 

Didac tries to disentangle himself but he’s against the wall and if Ganymedes doesn’t move first he will have to push him to do it - “I don’t know” – He says, looking down.

 

He doesn’t encourage him to continue, just waits.

 

“Maybe I didn’t want to say goodbye”

 

Ganymedes starts to move back but Didac forces him to stay where he is - “You wanted to know, now can we finish what you started?”

 

“I didn’t, you started it” – Ganymedes says and both realize what it means, their reversed positions, but not what it actually means, not the reason behind it. It’s the last thing Didac wants to think about and the last one Ganymedes can think of when Didac pushes himself flush against his body. Meaning it’s difficult to grasp when there’s so much feeling.

 

******

 

The uneasiness does nothing but increase with the airport’s nearness; it doesn’t matter how many times he tells himself it’s for the best, that they need it, because it’s not what he truly wants to do right then and he feels condemned to suffer through it to pay for his sins. It’s the logical thing to do, though, the right thing to do, and Ganymedes owes way too many “doing the right thing” already.

 

Doing what’s right does not always feel right like they tell you, sometimes it feels like you are forcing yourself to cut off a limb or jump into a pool of acid. Seeing that the rest shares his discomfort calms him some but not much.

 

His aunt kisses and hugs him, his uncle just offers a handshake and while Mimesi is occupied holding onto Lilah and crying that she doesn’t want to go, Ganymedes finally manages to get his arms around Didac, his cousin stiffens but seems to decide not returning the hug will look worse than doing it. Ganymedes lowers his mouth till is almost touching his ear and whispers – “Tell ‘em”

 

He doesn’t say it to annoy Didac, and even less because he thinks it will prompt him to do it, he says it because, well, he has to say something meaningful but not corny and the truth it’s the only thing he can think of. He can’t understand why Didac tells his mother he’s going to skip class and has her ok it just like that and then refuses to reveal he fancies boys.

 

******

 

Didac breath hitches, though he is not sure if it’s because of the shivery feeling Ganymedes voice so low and near usually produces in him or because of the message itself. Ganymedes lets him go when he pushes away, afraid letting it go on for too long will tip someone off about…them.

 

Deep down he knows it’s ridiculous to worry about goodbye hugs when one has been making out like mad in a hardly soundproofed room and not even bothered to change the sheets, but paranoia knows not logic and right then, Didac’s instinctual need to protect his secret surpasses even his knowledge that the secret is no more.

 

******

 

He doesn’t care for Didac’s bullshit but he can stand it, what he won’t stand it’s he telling himself it’s anything but. Didac didn’t let him get away with fucking up his life and others’ and he is planning to return the favor in full.

 

******

 

Didac tries to ignore the void they leave, but it’s fucking huge. It’s just everywhere. The house is always silent, his room is always tidy and his bed, always cold. His parents make up family activities such as watching videos or playing table games and Didac goes along with them, also hoping for something that will help him trick the loneliness. He shows up to the Library Club’s meetings religiously in search of company (even though he’s having trouble concentrating enough to keep up with the group’s reading assignments) and even goes out with Albert, Ray and Marianne to watch movies he has not real interest in and would have never spent his money in before.

 

At the end the only thing that stops the nostalgia is the real thing: Ganymedes on the phone full of stories about bad airlines service and meeting again with his old mates and thinking some of them were hot! And apologizing to his girlfriend (it takes his cousin a moment to realize the dead silence this provokes and to clarify they’re not back together). And Mimi with her own stories about school and how well she’s doing in Maths.

 

******

 

When Ganymedes shows up in his old school all of sudden people are… surprised. He’s not even enrolled yet but nobody questions a boy whose mother recently died and the last time these people saw him was two weeks after the fact. His old friends nod at him, like they don’t dare talk to him, afraid he will break (or break their noses if they say the wrong thing) Ganymedes seems to remember being suspended for violent behavior, mostly, that’s what they told him when he woke up with a motherfucking hangover, he didn’t doubt it, he felt like smashing people’s heads in when he was sober and for reasons such as smiling. Maybe someone had dared to laugh.

 

Seven looks at him from which used to be their old table, there’s nobody new but his chair is taken anyway. When he finds her in her locker she looks up, wary and ready to bite.

 

“I wanted to say sorry”

 

She doesn’t answer and he adds – “I probably don’t remember all the things I fucked up beyond redemption but I’m sorry I was an ass to you”

 

She seems to take this in - “I’m dating Michael” – she lets on, daring him to get angry.

 

He doesn’t - “Great” – His smile, at least, is genuine. He is not angry. He is not jealous. And this is a sure sign he is over her. Not so much over his pride though, that’s why he can resist adding his own shocker – “He’s cute”

 

She nods, approving - “You’re ok now?” – Concerned but reserved, more like she needs to check he’s is fine than she wants to know.

 

“Getting there”

 

“I heard you went to live with relatives…”

 

He nods – “Yeah, that was…good. It helped”

 

She lets a little smile creep up her face, more relieved than happy but he appreciates that she still cares at all - “I’m glad you’re ok”

 

“Can we…?”

 

“I’m dating Michael” – She reminds him.

 

“God girl! get your mind out of the gutter!” – He jokes – “I didn’t mean that, I’m dating someone too. Just, are we ok? Can we hang out sometime or whatever?”

 

“So you are dating someone…” – Her smile is speculative, and it’s obvious she does not mind in the least – “I want to hear about this”

 

“Well, we’re sort of dating, it’s not…”

 

She raises her fine black eyebrows - “Sort of?”

 

“Leaving in different states makes it kind of complicated but since he accepted the fact that I’m fucked up beyond repair I think we can get over such a little thing as distance”

 

Her eyes widen, as he expected, but she quickly recovers, the playfulness of her voice is gone - “So that’s how it is…”

 

It takes Ganymedes a moment to understand what she means – “Oh, no, no, I’m not telling you I’m gay and implying our relationship was my way to deny who I really was and…whatever. I have wanted to apologize for ages…and, well, I couldn’t resist” – He grins apologetically, not really sorry.

 

She punches him, not so softly, on the arm - “I CAN’T believe I fell for that!” – She exclaims, outraged but admiring.

 

“Well, the boyfriend part is true”

 

Seven looks skeptic - “You don’t really think I will fall for that again, do you?”

 

He shrugs - “I guess I will just have to prove it to you then”

 

“Sure, and conveniently your sort of boyfriend lives in another state”

 

“Not really convenient, no, but…” – He sighs – “He will have to visit at some point”

 

It’s when he forgets to look at her that she realizes - “You are serious”

 

“Woman, you have been converted!”

 

“You are actually dating a boy” – She repeats, dumbstruck. Coolheaded and wordy Seven dumbstruck is no mean feat.

 

Ganymedes smirks and adds fuel to the fire – “Yeah, it’s hot, don’t you think?”

 

She blinks, but she’s always been fast - “Dunno, is he hot?” – Her interest is a dare he gladly accepts.

 

“Hell, yeah”

 

“Hotter than me even?”

 

“Do you realize you are comparing yourself to a boy?”

 

“Yes” – She admits friskily.

 

He winks at her - “And here I was thinking I will have to reassure poor Michael I don’t have any intention of trying to win you back”

 

“You wouldn’t succeed anyway” – She replies haughtily. She’s not being cruel, they have always bantered quite aggressively, the fact she’s going back to that can only be a good signal.

 

He smirks back - “We will never know, will we?”

 

Michael is not terribly pleased to have his girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend back but by the end of the week Ganymedes has flirted him out of his self-doubt. It’s difficult to worry about the guy who’s liberally checking you out over lunch stealing your girl. Mostly Michael avoids any direct contact with him and blushes fiercely if Ganymedes looks at him too long. Seven finds all of this terribly amusing and encourages Ganymedes to keep it up when they are alone and snogs Michael everywhere to “prove to Ganymedes that he’s hers”. Her boyfriend, who’s rather uptight about rules, seems to think that snogging in hallways is more acceptable if it’s for the sake of protecting his manly virtue.

 

The rest of the crowd seems undecided between freaking out and laughing their asses off at Michael’s terror.

 

******

 

It’s a day on the second week (Obviously, Didac knows the exact days but he insists on thinking about weeks instead because he imagine it’s somehow less pathetic that way) when Mimi has the brilliant idea of requesting a story. He starts to tell her one but Ganymedes realizes what’s going on and takes the phone from her – “Tsk, tsk, that’s cheating, if you’re going to tell a story I want to listen too”

 

“Mmm…ok, but my parents are going to kill me when they see the phone bill”

 

“Probably, what do you want to be buried in? Or would you rather be incinerated, a lot neater…”

 

Didac laughs – “Ganymedes! Shut up!” – He can hear Mimi whining in the background – “Turn on the hands off”

 

Ganymedes pauses “I won’t even comment on the sheer number of double entendres in that little sentence, ok?”

 

“Then I won’t point out your baby sister is listening to this conversation”

 

He hears his cousin calming his sister down with the promise of a story and clears his throat – “Tony is nine when his dad dies” – He hears Ganymedes breath catch in a decidedly bad way but Mimi urges him on – “He’s really sad and misses him a lot but his mother is even sadder. She only leaves her room to give him lunch and dinner and doesn’t talk to anybody”

 

Tony cannot fill the void, cannot replace his father, no matter how hard he tries. She smiles when he brings her flowers or helps set the table without being asked, but it never lasts. He does it anyway and keeps looking for things that earn smiles. Once he makes her cry, asking where his dad is, she tells him that he’s in the cemetery. Tony remembers the funeral but his mom started crying before they finished and he had to accompany her home. Finding the cemetery of such a small town doesn’t prove difficult and Tony gets there soon enough but, the thing is, Tony doesn’t remember where the funeral was held, everything looks the same! The tombs are mostly grey or white, some of them have flowers but most don’t…they look lonely. He knows his Dad must have one, too but he doesn’t know which type it would be or if there would be flowers. So he starts from the beginning and reads. And he’s only nine, he doesn’t read very fast yet. By the time the sun is coming down and he has to go home his eyes hurt and he feels dizzy but he has yet to find his father’s resting place. He skips dinner that night because he’s so tired and his mom tucks him in.

 

To say Lilah is not pleased when she finds him telling his cousins a story over the bloody telephone! is an understatement, a huge one. Mimi, fortunately, squeals when she hears his aunt and by the time his mother is done talking to her she is more calm and better predisposed.

 

“It was just a little story, it wasn’t going to be long and we talk all the time anyway”

 

“That’s why you shouldn’t talk even more” – She points out.

 

“I’m a teenager” – He reasons – “I have to spend outrageously too much in the telephone”

 

He can’t believe he just said that to his mom, what he’s spending outrageously much in is not the phone but Ganymedes, so much he’s starting to sound like him.

 

“Well, yes, I spent a lot talking to my boyfriend too, and we really could not afford it” – She ponders and he pales. Lilah looks at him more closely – “What?”

 

“er…” – Didac swallows – “He, Ganymedes, said you knew” – He laughs, bitterly, not looking at her – “I didn’t believe him”

 

“It was rather obvious, Didac, to your mother at least”

 

“I…”

 

“I have been hoping you would tell me forever”

 

“Dad…?”

 

“Yes, he knows, he got enough time to be fine with it too. Mostly he didn’t believe it when I told him”

 

“It was not that obvious, then” – He counters.

 

“Only if you were paying attention and were ready to consider the possibility”

 

“Why were you?” – He cannot believe he’s having this conversation, how it is going, it’s so surreal to finally be here after imagining all the possible ways it could go. And it’s like none of them.

 

“I wasn’t given much choice” – She admits with a shrug – “I found your porn”

 

Didac sputters, turning tomato red - “You WHAT?!”

 

“Don’t be embarrassed, it was years ago, I just noticed it had guys on it instead of girls and put two and two together”

 

Didac hides his face in his hands - “God, I can’t believe this”

 

“Why didn’t you tell me? Us?”

 

He looks up, incredulous - “Well, I didn’t think you would like it, for one!”

 

“I thought you knew we voted Democrat”

 

“What’s that…?”

 

“Everything! I thought you knew us, what our mindsets were, that we think things aren’t wrong just because they aren’t traditional or common” – She’s positively indignant – “God, Didac, where have you been living all these years?”

 

He sighs - “I know those things, just…it’s not the same, I didn’t think you would kick me out or anything. Just…that you wouldn’t like it, that you would…think less of me”

 

“You are so stupid” – His mom huffs, half resignation, half affection - “I can’t believe you would even suggest something so ridiculous, why should we care if you are gay?”

 

He smiles – “Well, dunno, maybe you wanted grandchildren, stupid grandchildren but still”

 

“You can still have children, Didac. But I’m counting on Mimesi for that, even if she turns out to be a lesbian she would probably want children at some point of her life, don’t you think?”

 

Didac looks absolutely horrified.

 

“Don’t worry, it’s pretty improbable that three out of three turn out to swing the other way. The statistics talk about a censed 10% and a possible not censed 20%”

 

“Of…gays?”

 

“Yes, though I found somewhere else 90% of the population are bisexual. So we’re both minorities” - She adds with feigned regret.

 

“That’s mad!” – Didac protests, half laughing.

 

“Well, they are statistics”

 

******

 

They speak again when Ganymedes calls the next evening. He informs Didac that they are most distressed about not knowing the rest of the story and expect it to arrive by e-mail before they lose heart. Didac says he will see what he can do and then, hesitantly, and only because Lilah’s out and he knows he’s alone at home, tells him about the conversation with his mother.

 

Ganymedes is not sensitive nor considerate and laughs his head off, even when it’s really not that funny, Didac is about to tell him to go fuck himself and that he will see if he ever tells him anything else when he whispers, a smile in his voice “I’m glad” and his anger evaporates like water in a sauna.

 

“Well” – He says, recovering – “Now it’s your turn, isn’t it?”

 

“My turn to what?” – Ganymedes asks, playfully innocent.

 

“To come out”

 

“You didn’t come out of the closet, Didac, you tripped...or well, your mum tripped over your porn...” – He says, jokingly. Didac snorts and he continues - “And I cannot come out, that’s for minorities, if ninety percent of the population is bisexual then everybody should just assume I am too, unless I say I’m not”

 

Didac blinks - “That’s a twisted logic you’ve got, the statistics say that, statistics rarely correlate to reality”

 

“I think they really do, in this case”

 

“What? You actually think ninety percent of the population is bi?!”

 

“Maybe not ninety percent but most people, yes. Like, I think a lot of people get boycrushes on older boys, or check them out. That sort of thing.”

 

It sounds rather farfetched to Didac, truth be told - “Ok, but why do you think most people do? Statistics?”

 

“One word, my dear cousin: Kinsey”

 

“Kinsey?” – Didac parrots.

 

“Ask your mother later”

 

It’s only when they hang up ten minutes later that Didac thinks to ask if Ganymedes cares whether is one or the other, whether… He immediately crushes the thought, chastising himself for wondering about things that are none of his business. Whatever his mother thinks, Ganymedes and him are only…fuckbuddies, friends with benefits if you push it.

 

******

 

The voice at the other side of the line is not the one Ganymedes expected, he realizes he must have miscalculated the time-difference and Didac is not home yet – “Hello, aunt”

 

“Hello, Ganymedes, how are things?”

 

He knows she actually knows because she has talked to Mimi three times that week before Ganymedes got to talk to Didac himself, but politeness gets you places – “Fine, we’ve settled in... Mimi is doing really well in school, the curriculum there was more advanced or something”

 

“And you?”

 

“…Normal” – He wonders if that’s enough of the chit chat and he can ask for Didac without being rude – “Aunt, can I…?”

 

“You better make sure not to hurt him” – She says, deadly calm.

 

“What?”

 

“Didac” – She clarifies, though Ganymedes knows perfectly well who she’s talking about, he just can’t believe she would do something so dramatic as threaten him – “Don’t hurt him, or you will be grounded till you are of age, got it?”

 

“Yeah, got it. Don’t worry” – He promises with his best responsible voice. He’s a bit confused, though, does she think they are together? Didac certainly hadn’t mentioned that was part of his confession – “Can I talk to him?”

 

“He’s not home yet, Library Club”

 

“Damn” – He mutters – “Ok, I will call again in…an hour?”

 

“Make it hour and a half” – She recommends.

 

“Ok, later”


	3. Chapter 3

“Didac?”

 

“Hi, sorry I wasn’t here but I couldn’t skip yet another meeting and…”

 

“I’m more worried that your mom thinks we’re dating” – He very casually lets on –“for some reason”

 

“Oh, that” – Didac sounds annoyed – “She just assumed that since we were…doing things we obviously had a relationship”

 

“Ah, and you didn’t tell her better because…?”

 

“Ganymedes, she’s my mother! I didn’t tell her you were my boyfriend, ok? But I’m not gonna tell her we were just *messing around*”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because she’s my mother and messing around is almost like sex”

 

Ganymedes laughs – “You are so repressed”

 

“Whatever, why do you care, anyway? Are you seeing someone?” – The annoyance doesn’t manage to cover the uncertainty completely.

 

Ganymedes waits a bit too long to answer – “No” – He thinks better – “I just got here! I know I’m hot but I’ve been too busy rebuilding the family to get a chick”

 

Didac sounds skeptic - “What happened to your bisexuality, cousin dear?”

 

“It’s a figure of speech, querido”

 

He snorts - “You’re so full of shit”

 

“Well, now, who’s the one with a one-sided relationship?”

 

******

 

That evening Lilah asks him if they would manage to make it to his cousin’s birthday in two weeks, on December the first, it’s a Friday and he thinks maybe they can make a weekend of it… he would like very much to give Didac his present in meat.

 

“It’s Didac’s birthday soon…” – He hints that night at dinner.

 

His father looks up – “We should send him something” – He agrees.

 

“Can we go to his party?” – Mimi wants to know.

 

“When is it?”

 

Ganymedes brightens at the possibility - “December the first, it’s a Friday and we could…”

 

“I have a business trip planned, sorry, you wouldn’t be able to stay long anyway, you have school”

 

Ganymedes concedes - “So we will visit for Christmas, then?”

 

Alan looks between their eager expressions – “Well, if you want to...”

 

“About Didac’s present…I was thinking we could both save a lot on telephone bills if he had a computer…”

 

“A computer? Just how often do call each other?”

 

“Everyday at six, later when he has club”

 

His father’s eyes widen, Ganymedes would gladly admit he has a thing for shocking people – “But what can you possibly have to discuss *every* day with him?”

 

Ganymedes answers, but selectively, he doesn’t think his father will freak out too badly if he tells him he’s involved with his cousin. But better not risk anything till Didac’s got a computer and sure means to be reachable – “Dunno, we got used to it all those months…he helped me a lot…” – He hopes he isn’t overdoing the melancholy and instead of the guilt trip he’s aiming for he will end up with disbelief.

 

“So, basically, buying the computer will be cheaper than paying the phone bill…”

 

“And hurt less than hear aunt Lilah complain about her phone bill”

 

Alan sighs – “Ok, then, but nothing fancy”

 

******

 

Next day Ganymedes calls early, just after getting home from school. Who says he cannot be responsible? His counselor should see him!

 

Lilah immediately starts to explain - “It’s still early, Didac won’t…”

 

“I know, I wanted to talk to you” – He clarifies – “About his birthday”

 

“Oh” – She understands now – “So, what did your father say?”

 

“Well….there’s the good news and the bad news, which would you like first?”

 

“So you’re not coming, what’s the good news?”

 

“Your phone bill next month is going to be a lot shorter”

 

“Why’s that? Are you taking a vow of silent?”

 

“No, Didac’s getting a computer, you just need to get an internet connection and voila! no more daily hour long calls”

 

“I thought you were calling”

 

“Most of the time, which explains why dad accepted to pay for the computer”

 

“Ok, then, tell me what I have to get exactly”

 

He gives her the company name’s and number and all the details they could possibly need. And then Didac gets home and he completely forgets about all of it till a week later, when he realizes he doesn’t know which computer to order or any big shopping malls near Didac’s house to order it from.

 

******

 

It’s Lilah who opens the door when the computer arrives, Ganymedes’s request it be delivered later (when Didac would be there), dully ignored. The guy accedes to put the boxes on the foyer like it’s a big favour and not his job and Lilah has to resort to asking a neighbour for help moving it up to Didac’s room (where the internet connection installed the day before is hidden behind a birthday decoration Didac looked askance at but didn’t complain about)

 

Since they don’t have a video camera pictures will have to suffice to record the experience. Didac’s disbelieving expression when he opens the box catches the light just right (Ganymedes doesn’t even care he has to wait a month to see it because the camera is not digital)

 

******

 

The plan backfires a bit when Ganymedes has to spend two hours in the phone to help Didac set up the computer and the internet connection but Didac walks around the rest of the day with a dazzled smile that makes it impossible for her to complain. Hell, it’s his birthday. And, all in all, the connection is one of the cheapest presents they have bought their son.

 

******

 

18:31:02 Didacst@hotmail.com says: Hi.

18:31:07 Ganymedes . “God is busy, what can I do for you?” says: God, Didac, change your nick NOW.

18:31:53 Didacst@hotmail.com says: God, eh? Gimme a break, I just set up this thing, I actually even know how to change my nick!

18:32:02 Ganymedes . “God is busy, what can I do for you?” says: *is skeptic*

18:32:39 Didac says: There, happy now?

Ganymedes . “God is busy, what can I do for you?” says: That took you like half an hour, what were you? Debating if you should use a clever quote?

Didac says: No, I learn my lessons and I already find YOUR quote annoying.

Ganymedes . “God is busy, what can I do for you?” says: I’m sure God does too, don’t take it personally.

Didac says: hahaha

Ganymedes . “God is busy, what can I do for you?” says: hey, do you know what else we can do through this?

Didac says: Spelling mistakes?

Ganymedes . “God is busy, what can I do for you?” says: Virtual sex

Didac says: hahahha

Didac says: Are you serious????

Ganymedes . “God is busy, what can I do for you?” says: Obviously, look, what about me getting to my knees and undoing your zip?

Didac says: hahha, god, stop stop, hahah

Ganymedes . “God is busy, what can I do for you?” says: Well, I had forgotten you were six when I made that suggestion. Forget bout it.

D says: Look, you wouldn’t do that so don’t make me want it, that’s really uncool. We can’t have sex, we live in different states, so…

G says: You wanna forget about it? That’s it?

D says: I can’t, THAT is the problem, but try and don’t…remind me, k?

G says: Ok. But I would do it. I already have

D says: yeah, but not like that

G says: Not like that? As in with your cock in my mouth?

D says: on your knees

G says: oh…I seeeee, does that make a difference to you?

D says: Well, it IS different

G says: Why?

D says: It’s kind of…I dunno, it’s different

G says: Well, I would do it…If we didn’t live in different states and were unable to talk about sex.

D says: We’re not unable to TALK about it! We’re unable to HAVE it!

G says: What about Christmas?

D says: What about it?

G says: We’re visiting then, of course.

D says: And you are only telling me this NOW?

G says: *shrugs*

 

******

Ganymedes “Morality, like art, means drawing a line someplace.” says: Hi

Didac says: Reading Wilde, are we?

G says: You obviously have, picking up on my plagiarism so quickly

D says: Well, no, but I like his quotes

G says: You mean you, the dorkiest person ever, hasn’t read the homosexual writer per excellence?

D says: I tried to read the picture of Dorian Gray this summer but I got bored

G says: Oh, Didac! I’m terribly disappointed on you!

D says: shut up!

 

It’s only later when Mimi asks that Ganymedes realizes he has forgotten to remind Didac (again) they want him to finish his story. At first he couldn’t believe he was telling them what the grief of losing a parent was like but then he got intrigued, because... well, it isn't as if he has figured it out, is it? And he's a bit better now, he can think about her without feeling like someone's ripping his heart out of his chest but... he's also back home where everything has something to do with her and... Maybe he isn't ready to talk about it but he thinks he might be ready to listen. And Mimi... Mimi wants to talk, she wants to know what's the answer, how you fix it. There's no fixing it, he knows that now, after all the fucking up with the magic he's come to accept he can't bring her back, that he has to keep living without her...but he is sure Didac wouldn’t think there isn’t a solution, a way to move on, and maybe the story was his way of telling them. Maybe he will find a way to tell Mimi how unfixable it all is without breaking her heart, because Ganymedes just can't stomach the thought.

 

******

 

Didac says: …you talk me every day, we don’t even have anything important to say, you…give me presents and..

Ganimides “I can resist anything but temptation.” says: What’s that…

and does that means we’re..like, together or something?

D says: I think it means you have a reason to want me, that I’m not just conveniently there anymore

G says: I was conveniently there too!

D says: Oh, yeah, I was dying to get a crush on my very conveniently heterosexual male cousin! It was ideal!

G says: What can be more convenient than the person you share a room with?

D says: Convenient? You think it was convenient to have you there every time I was trying to get to sleep when all I could think about was touching you?

G says: You were so obvious about it…

D says: I know. You told me, remember?

G says: I can believe you just called me heterosexual.

D says: Aren’t you?

G says: Are you serious?

D says: Who’s the funny one now? Of course I’m serious!

G says: Maybe I’m making this up but… haven’t I jerked you off more than a hundred times?!

D says: Don’t forget the kissing, straight guys just helping each other out, never kiss.

G says: or the blow job…

G says: So you don’t think I’m straight

D says: Well, I dunno, were you just experimenting?

G says: The first time, I guess, I had never done that, obviously…

D says: Drowning the grief, maybe?

G says: …Yes, that too

G says: But I’m not straight and I’m obviously not experimenting anymore

D says: I noticed, right hand is back to work

says: You know what I mean! Whatever I’ve done with you wasn’t an experiment, I have known I like it for a long time

D says: But the idea of us being together in any fashion is absolutely ridiculous, isn’t it? And then I AM the one in denial! I bet your Dad doesn’t know anything about your bisexuality yet, does he?

G says: That’s none of your business!

D says: Of course it is! It was your business when I wasn’t telling MY PARENTS

G says: Ok, so I will tell him! He just needs time!

D says: Time for what?

G says: Oh, I don’t know, TO GET OVER MY MOM’S DEATH, MAYBE?

D says: And what does that have to do with you? The fact that you confess to being bi will aggravate his pain for losing your mom? What kind of logic are you using to get to this conclusion?

G says: The logic that says that one shouldn’t put people in mourning under pressure

D says: Wouldn’t taking his mind out of it help him?

Ganymedes “I can resist anything but temptation.” appears as offline, it’s possible they will not answer.

 

******

Didac lets his head drop into his hands, it’s difficult to believe he dared ask Ganymedes the questions that have been bothering him all these months of daily chats. How can someone call you daily, kiss you and touch every opportunity he gets, give you expensive gifts so he can keep in constant touch with you at any time and then insist you have what amounts to an arrangement in which you bring each other off? And that, of course, you are also very good friends. It’s mad. The worst thing it’s that Didac can somehow believe Ganymedes actually feels that way about what they do, and if he does…well, Didac needs to know, before he lets himself cross lines that cannot be uncrossed. But Ganymedes cannot make anything easy, now that he’s getting over his own grief he hides behind his father’s. Didac honestly doesn’t know how his uncle is coping, his mother hasn’t said anything that indicates he should worry about it, though. He said a lot of things he hadn’t thought he would be able to today, partly thanks to the distance and the writing, but he is pretty sure he won’t be able to accuse his cousin of using his father’s pain as justification for his secret-keeping. Not directly. It’s just too awful, especially because he’s convinced it’s also true.

 

It’s not that he wants Ganymedes to ask him out or any such nonsense because they do live in different states but… he feels something, something way to intense to dismiss, and even if it’s not possible to have a normal relationship he would feel better if he wasn’t the only one. He would feel better if his reaction to all the signals he thinks his cousin has been sending, intentionally or not, was justified by the existence of those signals. If he wasn’t making up Ganymedes’ side of their interactions at least what he feels would have come out of somewhere, at least he wouldn’t have to admit he’s so desperate he confused sex with affection.

 

******

 

Ganymedes is really tired of Didac thinking he can tell him what to do, that he knows better what he needs. Even more because since he’s very often right he makes Ganymedes doubt himself, even in cases when he is right.

 

Like this one. Because Didac is wrong about Ganymedes, he enjoys having Seven back as a friend but even if he didn’t tell her (Seven is rather egocentric and wouldn’t have appreciated to be told) Didac is the one he wants. It’s not as if he’s stopped seeing other people’s attractiveness, in fact, now that he’s aware he also likes boys he only sees more attractive people. But he doesn’t feel the irrational urge to snog the hell out of them, not all the freaking time and when he can’t even see them. He doesn’t remember how soft their skin is or the sounds they make, when he’s alone or talks to them all the time and, least of all, lets them talk to him like they know better.

 

Didac is his best friend, the best he has ever had. And he’s not experimenting anymore, he can’t, he has really reliable results of said experiments: He enjoys fooling around with Didac a lot more than he seemed to enjoy sex with Seven (maybe when one has had sex with a person twice one is not qualified to know but still). He can’t believe the only person he’s performed oral sex on accused him of not being attracted to them. It’s just too ridiculous to merit an answer.

 

He didn’t, of course, think Didac actually understood the significance of his actions. He’s aware his cousin is rather thick that way and doesn't get things unless you spell them out for him. Now he realizes that is not so much that Didac doesn’t understand actions as that he is unsure of being able to rely on their meaning, maybe if he had known he was understood he would have remained silent. Now, of course, it’s too late. They are not together but, deep down, he wants them to be. In which way? He’s not so sure, but at walking distance.

 

He misses his life in Reading, his life, because this is not his anymore, not even with Seven’s friendship and being accepted back into his old group. And Didac, maybe the most significant part of that life, and his only link to it, it’s something he can’t let go. He didn’t think his cousin resented this, he thought Didac enjoyed his “company” as much as he did his. 

 

Being able to talk to him it’s the only reason that moves him to go back home right after school, Mimi has a nanny and doesn’t need him to be there and his father is never home before dinner time anyway. And his house… the place he has lived in since he can remember, it’s not longer his home…his house it’s so full of reminders of her than it only seems emptier of the real thing. Full of photographs, belongings, objects and as empty without his mother as he now understands he himself will always be. He just wishes he could avoid the gap in the house, at least.

 

******

From: Didacst@hotmail.com

To: Gan_Lirteen@gmail.com

Data: December 14 (20:39:45)

Subject: Sorry §

 

Look, I’m sorry about the other day. If you think your dad can’t take it right now...you would know, because you know him. I asked my mom how he was doing and she said he doesn’t talk about it. Maybe that’s the problem. I’m not saying I know what’s right in these cases or anything, just, I heard it’s better if you talk about it, if you accept it then you can move on. If you really move on and deal with other problems, but maybe it’s not like that for everybody.

 

I’m sending you the rest of the story, it was difficult to tell it without you two here and... well, maybe it's too much for Mimi, I just... she wasn't here and I kind of lost track of it, then I tried to make it...less about death, I guess, but I couldn't. Anyway, I hope you like it.

 

Didac.

 

\---

Tony is nine when his dad dies. He’s really sad and misses him a lot but his mother is even sadder. She only leaves her room to give him lunch and dinner and doesn’t talk to anybody 

Tony cannot fill the void, cannot replace his father, no matter how hard he tries. She smiles when he brings her flowers or helps set the table without being asked, but it never lasts. He does it anyway and keeps looking for things that earn smiles. Once he makes her cry, asking where his dad is, she tells him that he’s in the cemetery. Tony remembers the funeral but his mom started crying before they finished and he had to accompany her home. Finding the cemetery of such a small town doesn’t prove difficult and Tony gets there soon enough but, the thing is, Tony doesn’t remember where the funeral was held, everything looks the same! The tombs are mostly grey or white, some of them have flowers but most don’t…they look lonely. He knows his Dad must have one, too but he doesn’t know which type it would be or if there would be flowers. So he starts from the beginning and reads. And he’s only nine, he doesn’t read very fast yet. By the time the sun is coming down and he has to go home his eyes hurt and he feels dizzy but he has yet to find his father’s resting place. He skips dinner that night because he’s so tired and his mom tucks him in.  
Days and Days pass and, finally, Tony finds the right grave. It has his name on it, twice. Because Tony’s dad was called Antonio too. And because it says “Missed by his wife and his son Tony”. But that doesn’t matter so much because suddenly Tony realizes one day he will be where his dad is now, not in a box under lots of dirt but gone, so gone they have to put a rock to remember him. When Tony goes home that day he understands why his mom is so sad, his dad isn’t just away doing something else. He’s never coming back and all they have left of him is that rock that says they miss him. Miss him? They don’t miss him, you miss people when they are coming back and you are waiting up till late to catch them when they do. You miss people when they call you on the phone and tell you what they are doing where they are and what you’re gonna do together when they come back to you. It’s not missing if there’s no coming back, it’s… something else. Tony can’t find a word for it. He knows his mom is going to cry when he asks but it’s like he’s gonna be sick, something’s wrong inside him and he needs to fix it. So he asks anyway. His mom cries but she also looks him in the eye for the first time since Dad… She cries but she doesn’t turn away and Tony realizes she has been away, in her own head, hiding from the pain and now she’s showing him because he asked. It hurts, it’s like instead of saying “it’s not so bad” like she does when he scrapes his knees she’s saying “yes, it hurts, I know it hurts and it should hurt”, so he cries too. She doesn’t tell him “boys don’t cry”, she hugs him tight to herself and joins him.

Sometimes they still cry, because Tony finds an old pack of his Dad’s cigarettes hidden behind the yellow jar in the hall. Because the smell of breakfast and the empty place at the table and the silence that seems so strange because they are still there are too much absence. That day Tony doesn’t go to school and he misses a test but it doesn’t matter, his mom gets some old newspapers and paste and they make masks.

Some days, a Friday when Tony’s dad doesn’t show up to pick him up from school or it’s Father’s day and his teacher tells him to make his mom an extra present, it seems like there’s no out, no tomorrow, no nothing. That he can’t live without pick-up football and hairy kisses that smell like tobacco and mint.

And worse still, some days he gets back and Mom is hollered up in her room, hiding under the covers and crying, or asleep but with her whole face so red is obvious she must have been. If it’s a bad day for him Tony crawls in with her, soothes her if she’s awake, hugs her tight if she’s not. If it’s a good day he goes to the fast-food cupboard and makes soup, and doesn’t say anything if he burns himself with the hot water. She smiles tiredly when he wakes her and never complains if he puts too much salt in it.

Eventually, the bad days stop coming so much, and when they come it’s easier to crawl in bed, to make soup and buy ice-cream and, hug and turn on the TV to drown the silence. They get use to the pain, and one day his Mom finds a card Tony made for his dad when he was a little kid where Tony’s bigger than either of his parents and it doesn’t make her cry, it makes her laugh. Tony frowns, a bit embarrassed, but she teases him and he ends up smiling, too. 

\---

From: Gan_Lirteen@gmail.com

To: Didacst@hotmail.com

Data: December 15 (17:33:05)

Subject: You’re an idiot

 

You ALWAYS think you know what the right thing to do is. Sometimes you do know but even if you didn’t…I know you tell me because you wanna help. I just didn’t want to fight about it anymore. I’ll figure it out.

 

 

We loved the story but it’s not so good when I’m reading it.

\---

 

From: Didacst@hotmail.com

To: Gan_Lirteen@gmail.com

Data: December 15 (17:59:04)

Subject: Re: You’re an idiot

 

Why?

 

\---

From: Gan_Lirteen@gmail.com

To: Didacst@hotmail.com

Data: December 15 (18:02:05)

Subject: Re: Re: You’re an idiot

 

Just because.

 

******

 

They resume their daily chats after that, though both carefully avoid mentioning Ganymedes’ dad or the nature of their relationship.

 

Didac is too worried about angering his cousin and way too insecure to expose himself any further. Ganymedes isn’t sure if his reasoning has any solid basis since he hasn’t discussed anything more profound with his father than politics for a long time but it’s determined to solve the issue by himself. Truthfully, he’s more worried and rather confused by Didac’s first claiming than he pays him way too much attention and then throwing a fit because him supposedly thinking they couldn’t be actually involved.

 

And then, it’s Christmas.

 

Fortunately the nanny, whom Alan has forgotten to inform she will have the holidays free, overhears Ganymedes talking about going away two days before. Even with the extra in her check she’s not pleased to have lost the opportunity to visit her family and insists to leave at once. That’s how Mimesi ends up with 4 pair of pants, 12 t-shirts and no underwear.

 

******

 

Ganymedes is not pleased to discover his aunt has other issues in mind when they sit in the kitchen to have the chat he requested. They have just arrived and he only nodded at Didac before ushering her into the kitchen. He wants to talk her into convincing her dad to move with Mimesi to Reading, sure that Lilah would want to have the girl close by for her own personal reasons.

 

She is quite worried about him instead - “Maybe what you need to understand is that sometimes there’s nothing you can do to help someone, no matter how much you love them”

 

“That doesn’t make any sense, if you love them then there must be a way you could make it easier for them”

 

“Sometimes what you need it’s to prove to yourself you’re strong enough”

 

“What?”

 

“You need to know you’re strong enough to survive the lose or otherwise you will never risk losing anything else, loving anything else”

 

“My mother just died and you are thinking…”

 

“Ganymedes, your mother died over a year ago and Alan is still not living. He doesn’t need anything new to live, he’s got you and your sister and his job. What he needs it’s to let your mother go, to accept that he can love her from afar but she cannot be the center of his life anymore”

 

“Why do you think he hasn’t?”

 

She looks at him, disbelieving - “Because I know him. Because the day he came for you was the first time I saw him happy in a year. Because he’s still living in the house she lived in but he hasn’t visited her in the cemetery once”

 

“He doesn’t like cemeteries” - Ganymedes doesn’t think it’s terribly convincing but it’s the only reason he father gave him when he asked.

 

Lilah shakes her head - “He had no problems visiting our father there”

 

“So what’s your plan?”

 

“My plan is to force him to take care of you, to realize he hasn’t lost everything”

 

“I don’t need him to take care of me” – He butts in, stubborn.

 

“Do you realize that if you don’t do it now you will never recover the relationship you had before?”

 

He snorts - “What kind of relationship do you think we had? Do you think it was like you and Didac, that we talked? Come on, we played football, discussed politics, nothing huge”

 

“As long as those things were important for you, they count”

 

“They weren’t, not so much”

 

“He’s your father, I know he left you here, that he wasn’t the best father after Salel…, but he loves you” – Of this, she’s sure – “Why are you trying to pull away from him?”

 

He shrugs - “I just don’t feel like pulling closer now”

 

“Because he’s in pain”

 

“No!” – He jumps – “Well, maybe it's a bit because of that, every time he shows he’s hurting I remember I am too. It’s not his fault but I still don’t feel like expending lots of time with him ignoring we’re both missing her so much that…” – He shakes his head – “But it’s not only that, how can we go back to joking and fighting over stuff now?”

 

“Back to living”

 

“Back to living as if nothing has changed”

 

“You can’t, of course” – Lilah easily agrees – “But you can still live somehow, you can still love him and laugh with him”

 

“No, I can’t”

 

“You can laugh, Ganymedes, I have seen you happy”

 

“It’s different, it’s not like I switch on something and suddenly can do it everywhere. I’m happy here, I’m unhappy there. That’s it”

 

“Sometimes the easy way isn’t the right one” – She comments mournfully.

 

Ganymedes stares at her, disbelieving, for a moment, then turns and leaves.

 

******

Didac looks up when he comes into the living room, he’s sitting on the sofa with a magazine and Ganymedes realizes he must have overheard the most heated comments, not that he must have been waiting for him. He starts to get angry but Didac gets up and goes up to him, just gets up without looking around to see if there’s anybody else, not quite daring to meet his gaze. As if, all of sudden, the one he doesn’t want to be seen by it’s him. His arms feel stronger than they lock around him and Ganymedes lets him, he’s been wanting this for too long to refuse. He’s confused, he wants to be happy and he wishes there was something he could do to help his father but the two seem to be incompatible and, if he cannot help, he doesn’t see why he can do whatever he can to ensure his own happiness. Only…there is something.

 

******

Didac starts when Ganymedes lets go of him only to take his arm and drag him to the nearest empty room: his father’s studio. The kiss that follows it’s not a surprise in itself but because it’s so…tender, there’s no other word, it’s a mere a touch of lips, and then a through but slow exploration of his mouth.

He doesn’t know if he should be annoyed because his gesture of comfort has been sexualized because he doesn’t know if this is anything like whatever raw thing they had been doing before; or he doesn’t know if he should panic because his cousin it’s acting like a sentient human being with emotional needs he can actually face. Maybe he could find out, if he could think…

 

Ganymedes leans back, his hands still on his hips and gives him a puzzling look. “What?” – Didac tries to ask, but a kiss on the outermost corner of his mouth stops him like not even death could, he gasps instead. It’s not even a real kiss but…that’s because it’s not a kiss, not like the ones before, not if kisses are about mashing lips together and the pleasure of contact. Didac doesn’t know what to call this but tries to reciprocate, his hands pulling his cousin closer without getting rough… And the door opens. The studio doesn’t have any locks and Didac didn’t even think about putting a chair on the way or something. Now, of course, it’s obvious he should have and too late. His father stands on the doorway, frozen in his way in.

 

“Dick?” – His uncle’s voice comes. Ganymedes lets go of him as if he were on fire and then steals a guilty look.

 

“Mmm…we were just…” – Didac points to the library, looking at his father with wide eyes – “…you know. Sorry” – He says, for real but still in what he hopes is a normal voice, he takes a random book – “We have found what we needed so…”

 

He takes a step toward his father, who stiffens, Didac stops, looking contrite. Ganymedes shakes himself – “It was my fault, I promise it won’t happen again” – He says firmly – “We won’t borrow any more books without asking” – He says, serious but uncompromising.

 

He waits for a reaction and when he gets none he grabs Didac’s arm and drags him out the door, his uncle moving out of the way just in time – “Hi, dad” – He says when he passes Alan, without looking at him.

 

******

 

“What was all that about?” – Alan asks, sitting in front of him.

 

Richard sighs - “You will have to ask your son”

 

He can just imagine the lectures he will have to suffer through if he lets it slip to Alan anything about their sons’… involvement. He can already see his reaction was outlandish, the look on Didac’s face...like he had hit him. 

 

He watches the other man, wonders how he will take it, because it’s obvious he doesn’t know. He hadn’t pegged his loud and overtly affectionate nephew for someone who would hide, he certainly hasn’t hidden here. Of course, he reflects now, he doesn’t care what Lilah or I think. And with the reaction Didac is getting from you it’s not surprise he’s not that eager to try and tell his own father. Lilah’s going to have his head if she finds out. Probably he will tell her anyway, he feels like he should offer his head.

 

“…all the time” – Alan is saying.

 

“What?”

 

“Gan talks about Didac all the time” – Alan patiently repeats.

 

“Does he?” – Richard asks, truly surprised. Could it be that Lilah was right about these two? That it isn’t merely hormones like it looked to him?

 

“Yeah, you know how they played together? When they were kids? Well, it’s that all over again”

 

Richard frowns – “Ganymedes talked about Didac when they were ten?”

 

“Well, not the same way, of course, he just always asked to be here…” – He sighs – “I guess because you always took them fun places…”

 

“Not so much” – Richard assures him, even though in comparison with Alan, he knows he’s a dream father - “I guess he only liked to play with Didac”

 

“Yeah, sure, that’s why he wants to move back here”

 

“He does?” - That’s news to Richard, Lilah probably knows, of course, but...

 

“He said sis was sure to say yes”

 

“Well, she hasn’t said anything”

 

“Yet” – Alan reminds him.

 

******

 

“Do you think he will get over the trauma by dinner time?”

 

Didac gives him a reproving look, Ganymedes keeps smiling, it would be easier to take him seriously if he could manage to lift his head and weren’t they quite enjoying the afterglow – “You’re an idiot…kissing me in his studio!”

 

“Didn’t hear you complaining”

 

Didac closes his eyes, to deprive whatever he says of meaning, Ganymedes bets - “Yeah, well, teenage boy”

 

He doesn’t dignify that with an answer, instead he watches. He’s pretty sure Didac realized what was happening in the studio wasn’t their everyday (or not so much, sadly) business but… well, since Ganymedes is not so clear himself on what it was there’s no point in talking about it, is there? Especially not when whatever it is can’t really last if he’s leaving after the holidays and they won’t see each other until Easter! No, of course there’s no point in even considering…

 

“Stop staring” – Didac is observing him back from under half closed eyelids.

 

“I’m not!”

 

“Didn’t you say I wasn’t even cute?” – Didac insists in mocking tones.

 

“I’m not staring” – Ganymedes clarifies – “And I never said anything like that, I have never expressed an opinion on…your cuteness or lack of it. Never”

 

“Well, there’s not time like the present…”

 

“You are asking me?” – He can’t believe this. Shy, insecure, don’t-look-at-me-a-second-too-long Didac is asking him to…rate his attractiveness? Has the world gone mad? Well, has he?

 

“No, the walls! I’ve always wanted to know what they think about my ass. Great ambition of my life. You just happen to be here. Shut up and let the ancient rock speak”

 

“Are you...high or anything?” – He checks.

 

Didac groans and hides his face in his pillow. Ganymedes touches his shoulder – “Didac?”

 

His cousin looks up at him - “No, I'm not”

 

His pupils seem alright but he’s still acting awfully weird – “Ok…”

 

His sudden bout of courage seems to have abandoned him, he just waits.

 

He shrugs - “I obviously like you, you have plenty of evidence”

 

“Not really, it’s possible you discovered the joys of your inner sissy and had no other available guy around”

 

“I don’t have an inner sissy” – He says pointedly – “And I’m sure I could find someone if I wanted”

 

“Really? Where are the gay bars in town then?”

 

Ganymedes has no idea, he never depended upon bars to find interested girls and he didn’t think he would need any bars to find interested boys, besides which bars and him hadn’t the best of relationships since… Anyway, it seemed very reasonable expressed like that, if you believed the statistics on bisexuality... Which of course he didn’t, they were a useful excuse but...honestly!

 

Another shrug.

 

“I thought the first thing you would do when you got back was try out every guy who struck your fancy” – Didac admits, seemingly puzzled.

 

“Well, I kinda did”

 

“You did?” – There’s an unpleasant edge to his voice, Ganymedes smirks at him and confesses – “My classmates were terrified of me, didn’t dare turn their backs on me for any reason” – He laughs.

 

His cousin has gone back to finding the mattress more interesting than him - “Didac, honestly, I was there for a month or something! I can go with my hand for that long!”

 

He doesn’t know why he’s explaining, it’s not like he owes him explanations and much less fidelity. He doesn’t even believe in fidelity, not like that, not that if you don’t fuck anybody else it means you love someone. So what? You only love meat if you never eat chicken? It’s ridiculous. Seven and him…well, she was the one who came up with the idea. Odd girl, Seven was. He had gone mad with jealousy at the idea of somebody else touching her and she had said she had no wish of touching anybody else anyway, but it had been a concession, she hadn’t agreed. And he had never believed she really felt that way while they were together…later, later it had started to make sense. In the abstract, with nobody to really lose or share it had seemed perfectly logical. And now… is it worth bringing up? When Didac and him aren’t even…together? Or aren’t gonna admit they are, either way. Apparently Didac feels perfectly entitled to demand he doesn’t get off with anybody else without offering anything back. Not fidelity, what was Ganymedes gonna do with that? No, what he wants it’s… for him to stop asking. Asking for things he already has, especially, what he wants it’s for him to admit there’s something. What he wants it’s for him to understand without having to say anything. But he could make wishes to a hundred shooting stars and Didac would still feel unsure, still don’t understand. He can understand most of what Ganymedes feels and needs even if he hasn’t experienced it himself, but not this. When it’s about himself Didac cannot see, it’s not something to resent, it’s something to pity him for, in a way. Only Ganymedes can see himself, can see he isn’t perfect either. It would be ridiculous to pity someone for being human.

 

******

Christmas is, with their grandmother unable to make it and all of them too full of turkey to do more than smile goofily, drink some champagne and in Mimi’s case fall profoundly asleep right after telling Didac of her intentions to stay up and spy on Santa, a quiet affair. Didac wishes his uncle would go back to his hotel already so he could lay his head on Ganymedes lap, Ganymedes might have insisted it was a perfectly acceptable platonic gesture when he did in front of Didac’s parents but he’s pretty sure he would change his mind if Didac took the liberty in front of his. His annoyance at him because of this and at himself for not daring to push the limits are rapidly forgotten when his cousin announces he’s beat and bids them good night with a pointed look in his direction. Didac can swear that his mother, who’s sitting next to him, saw and is stifling a smile. Whatever, she can smile knowingly all she wants, he’s going to get what he wants.

 

******

Lilah has never forgotten the utter joy of having a young kid around, someone who believes anything goes and allows you to forget about properness and rules and ridiculous stuff invented to compartmentalize your life, to filter it somehow. When she’s around her niece she doesn’t feel older for not being a kid but younger for understanding what the girl is on about, it reminds her some part of her, deep down, not matter how old she gets, will never grow up, will never let go of what really matters. She didn’t realize she missed this until Mimesi came into their lives, missing her mother and practically adopting her as a replacement, she didn’t realize how much had changed in a few months until her nephew decided they had to leave again and her first impulse was to cry “you can’t!”

 

She still remembers a time when Didac was a child the way Mimi is, carefree and with no worries. She stills feels it didn’t last enough, that her thirteen years old son shouldn’t have discovered something as fascinating and natural as his sexuality and felt shame, stopped enjoying to worry about the rightness of joy. That she shouldn’t have let his rift with Richie pass as something unimportant, that maybe if she hadn’t Didac would still be a kid right now. Of course, she knows no mother wants to see their children forced to grow up by a world that is never gentle enough and that is completely egoistical to try to keep someone safe when you’re not always going to be there to do so, when your own clashes with life have made you into who you are. She knows, but she cannot help to quietly miss her little boy, even as she enjoys this teenager’s company.

 

So when Mimi shakes her awake at 8 am on Christmas’ morning because she wants to open the presents, she actually enjoys getting up to fix her breakfast.

 

******

“I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to change schools again this year” – Alan begins.

 

His son shrugs - “It won’t make any difference. My grades can hardly get worse”

 

“There’s that too, why haven’t they improved if you are really better off here?”

 

“Well, I hardly had any time being “better” before I left…”

 

“So if you came back they would improve...”

 

“Yeah, I think so”

 

“I think you should prove it”

 

“What?” – This is definitely not how he planned it.

 

“You should pass at home, then come here”

 

“I thought you cared more about my happiness than about my grades”

 

“I do. You won’t be very happy to be held back when Didac goes off to college, will you?”

 

******

 

“You were talking to my mother, again” – Didac comments, not looking up.

 

He has, trying to see if she would convince his dad he should move back now - “Yeah, but don’t worry, she isn’t my type”

 

Didac looks properly horrified – “God, don’t say things like that!”

 

“You’re right” – He whispers back, making a show of eyeing the door suspiciously – “She could overhear, I could hurt her feelings”

 

Didac throws a pillow at him, they are, for once, in different beds. Didac is trying to get through a book that quite clearly can’t hold his attention, especially not over Ganymedes’ bare torso and Ganymedes is doodling over his English homework.

 

Didac glances at his notebook and warns -“You’ll better not be writing anything about my parents inside those hearts”

 

Ganymedes looks down, startled - “These aren’t hearts!” – He vehemently denies.

 

Didac gets up, supposedly to check more closely - “They sure look like hearts to me”

 

And then Ganymedes tackles him and that whole ridiculous thing about separate beds and concentrating goes, quite literally, to hell.

 

******

 

“I don’t know, I just…got distracted. Many times” it’s Didac’s excuse for not having finished “War for the Oaks”. He doesn’t even know why they have to meet right in the middle of the holidays but Karina had insisted that otherwise the book wouldn’t be fresh on their memories and it probably wouldn’t have, in hers, because she will have read ten more before the break is over.

 

“Fine” – Katrina concludes, resentfully, it’s not as if she proposed they read the book and should take it as a personal offence but, to Katrina, life it’s an interruption between chapters and so the idea that someone’s life can interfere with their reading is simply preposterous – “You can stay and spoil yourself”

 

“I think I will like to give it another try” – Didac answers, conciliatorily – “So I will leave”

 

This doesn’t seem to please her any more than his staying but at least this way he won’t have to stand her anger any longer. For now, that’s it; Katrina’s long memory will ensure he isn’t forgiven by next meeting.

 

******

 

“You’re early” – Ganymedes points out, looking away from the telly for about three milliseconds.

 

“Yeah, Katrina kicked me out for not finishing War of the Oaks”

 

“Well, she’s right, not finishing a war is a very good reason to be angry” – Eyes still glued to the TV.

 

Didac sighs, defeated and sits down besides him, Ganymedes immediately moves closer - “What are you watching?”

 

“Veronica Mars, pay attention”

 

Didac does and after a while he’s got to say it – “But how does she know all that? She’s our age!”

 

“Her dad’s a cop, well, was, now he’s a P.I.” – Ganymedes replies in a whisper so as to not miss anything the blonde’s friend on the screen is saying.

 

Didac ends up liking Veronica but also firmly convinced that Logan and Weevil, the two “bad boys”, have the hots for each other. When he points this out to his cousin after the show is over he seems pleasantly surprised – “Well, duh, what clued you in? The smoldering looks or Logan checking out his tattoo?”

 

******

 

It is very strange, the way Ganymedes can go from leering down at him in bed to making sure his casual touches don’t linger too long when he shakes him to call his attention from his current book at the breakfast table. In the course of fifteen minutes. All because, for the very first time, someone he cares about is looking, judging.

 

It’s only now that Didac realizes that his obsession with secrecy must have offended the other boy. But things were different before, he knows this, it doesn’t matter that he doesn’t dare make any direct allusions to it to his cousin. They don’t need to say anything for things to have changed, but… Didac just would like a reassurance, some…proof, that they have. Because sometimes it seems like they have, like Ganymedes enjoys his company enough to give him a computer so they can keep in touch at all hours or that he might have something to do with his smiling. But other times it seems like they haven’t and outside the bedroom they are just a pair of friendly chaps that ended together in the same room and somehow found themselves socializing. Didac knows he hasn’t shown a great deal of initiative where their…relationship is concerned but he likes it, if he didn’t he would say something, stop it. And Ganymedes, as the one who did start the whole thing, should keep up with his promises, should let him know that the difference exists, that he’s not…imagining it because he wants it to.

 

All in all, Didac doesn’t think it’s so much to ask, some kind of sign that he’s not going mad.

 

******

 

“Didac! Didac!” – Someone's screaming right in his ear.

 

It turns out to be his little sister, who has less common sense than stature – “Mimesi, shut up”

 

“But…”

 

His brain suddenly catches up with reality - “Wait, how did you get in here?”

 

He looks around, dislodging the covers, and finds Didac quite absent.

 

“Oh, he’s not here” – Mimi says, disappointed.

 

“Why were you screaming, anyway?” – He asks, annoyed.

 

“He told me we were going to...”

 

“To the zoo” – The boy finishes, entering the room with actual clothes on. Ganymedes checks the clock, it’s fucking nine o’clock, on holidays and then promptly lays back down and puts the covers back over his head.

 

“Oh, don’t do that, come on…” – Didac protests and he feels the bed deep under his weight.

 

“Have fun with the monkeys. I will sleep till noon”

 

He ends up going, ok, but Didac has to send Mimesi out of the room and work quite a bit to manage to rouse him (from the bed, the other rousing, unlike gravity, works against him).

 

******

 

Since they are all going together like a big happy family it’s easy to grab Didac when he’s not expecting it and pull him around a corner for a snog. It’s also terribly amusing to see him all flustered and everybody looking at them with different levels of weirdness. Hey, he’s not hiding!, if his father doesn’t manage to put together their disappearances and Didac’s very thoroughly kissed lips… well, Ganymedes would certainly have judged his observational skills accurately but it’s also totally not his fault.

 

He can’t remember the last time he was at the zoo but by the way Mimi is reacting to everything like someone’s let her ingest too much sugar it seems it might have been too long, or not, kids don’t remember shit She wants to be photographed with every species and specimen in or out of view and Ganymedes and his father take turns holding her up so the animals fit in the pictures while Didac’s dad first and then Lilah (when she realizes her husband doesn’t know how to work the digital camera and has been taking shots of his own fingers) take the photos. Didac just observes, unless Ganymedes’s got his hands frees and can drag him into the picture frame. There’s no picture of them imitating the monkeys in front of their cage and causing quite a ruckus because the adults have been left behind at the café where they just got some lunch.

 

“See? I told you it would be fun” – Didac says smugly.

 

“Giving sexual tips to primates?” – He asks, looking pointedly at the animals. Didac turns and he laughs – “I can believe you fell for that”

 

“I’m thirsty” – Interrupts Mimesi him.

 

“Go back to dad, he’s got some Coke” – He says, distractedly. Later he won’t be able to stop thinking about that, about not paying enough attention to his little sister. About not being good enough to keep what he loved yet again, but not then, then he’s distracted by some other stupid and unimportant thing and lets her go off alone.

 

******

 

They are not really far away but, like that girl in Didac’s story, Mimesi is very young and doesn’t know the place. When your face it’s at the level of most people’s waists it’s hard to orientate yourself, even if you had looked while passing. Which Mimesi hadn’t, she had been having fun and landscape gazing wasn’t part of her habits anyway.

 

And, of course, she doesn’t notice she’s lost until she no longer knows where Gan and Didac are and she really is.

 

******

To give him some credit, Ganymedes notices right away that his sister isn’t there when they get back to the café – “Where’s Mimi?”

 

Lilah’s maternal alarms go mad - “Didn’t she go with you?”

 

“Yes…” – He accepts, looking around – “but she was thirsty, I sent her back…” – His gaze stops in his father’s face – “But she didn’t come back…”

 

“They will have a megaphone in here somewhere” – Didac’s father says immediately.

 

“I will go, I know where it is!” – Didac jumps – “You should look around here, she couldn’t have gotten very far” and then he’s off. He thinks, he can’t stop looking around for a black head long enough to check.

 

Moreover, he can’t stop thinking, let her be alright, let her be alright and I couldn’t live if something happened to her.

 

Ganymedes remembers thinking nothing could hurt him as much as losing his mother had, that he couldn't love nobody as much as he loved her. Now it’s easy to figure out that was the pain talking and he definitely loves Mimesi just as much or even more fiercely. It’s not the guilt, although the guilt is there and this time not at all misplaced, if something happens to his sister it won’t be fate throwing an incurable illness like cancer at them, it won’t be an accident, it would be neglect. His. But he doesn’t care about that right now, in the back of his mind he can’t forget but all he can really think about it’s about finding her, finding her and she being ok. It’s all that matters.

 

The amplified message catches his attention only because they mention her name, he barely blinks before going back to scanning the crowds.

 

******

Mimi’s gone to school, she’s had an overprotective mother, she’s been told what she should in a situation such as this one: Find a policeman.

 

Nobody ever bothered to mention you won’t find many law-enforcers inside a zoo but when you are looking for uniforms and are desperate it’s easy to take a janitor for a cop.

 

The man looks at the tiny girl wide-eyed because she’s just addressed him as “Mister Policeman” – “I’m not a cop, honey”

 

“Oh” – Mimesi looks lost for a moment – “Do you know where I can find one?”

 

“Why do you need a cop? Something happened?”

 

“I lost my family and I need…”

 

So it’s Didac who gets her. She comes in to the Information Stand with the janitor and launches herself in his arms. It’s he who decides to use the call the lady at the stand offers him to call his cousin and not his uncle or his mother.

 

“Oh, god” – Ganymedes practically chokes on his relief – “give her the phone”

 

******

Lilah’s alarms go off when she sees Ganymedes on his cell, stopping the search to talk. When her nephew notices him he smiles brilliantly at her - “I’m talking to her”

 

“Where’s she?”

 

“Didac’s…” – He becomes distracted by the conversation – “Yeah, ok”

 

He pockets the phone – “Didac says we should meet at the restaurant”

 

They decide to localize the men by phone and head to the restaurant. Didac and Mimi are already there, having accepted a ride from a park guard. The moment he sees her he starts to run, later it would seem awfully dramatic and unnecessary but right now he needs to hug her, to know she’s really ok. Mimi blinks at Lilah from his brother’s arms a second later, then returns the gesture.

 

“Are you ok, Mimi?” – Her aunt asks.

 

She nods - “Yeah, I’m fine, the policeman took me to where Didac was and…”

 

Didac coughs, amused - “It was really a janitor…”

 

Mimi turns on Ganymedes arms to glare at him - “He did what a policeman does!”

 

Didac shakes his head but raises his hands in defeat.

 

“I’m sorry” - Ganymedes mumbles. Everybody hears him but only Mimesi looks at him, Lilah sits down and looks around for her husband and brother and Didac becomes very interested on the coke can.

 

“Why? I got lost” – She sounds puzzled.

 

“I told you to go back alone, I shouldn’t have”

 

She shrugs - “I shouldn’t have gotten lost”

 

Ganymedes suddenly brightens and raises his voice – “I know what we’re gonna do! We’ll get you a cell, that way if you get lost we can find you right away” – He smiles at her.

 

His sister smiles right back, excited – “Really?”

 

“Really” - He’s in the middle of his nod when strong arms envelope them both.

 

“Dad! I can’t breath!”

 

“So, do you think we have had enough excitement for today or do you still wanna see those dolphins?” – Rick asks when the group hugging seems to be done.

 

The answer, obviously, is dolphins and nobody is going to say no to Mimesi.

 

******

 

They get home late after eating out so everybody heads to bed or, in Alan’s case, to his hotel. Ganymedes glares at him when he asks Mimesi if he wants to come with him that night and watch movies. Didac elbows him and tells them there’s going to be a re-run of Lassie episodes from eleven onwards on channel six. Alan looks less than enthusiastic with the idea but it makes Mimi accept the proposal immediately, he nods at Didac. Didac shrugs.

 

“Why did you do that for?” – It’s not the first thing Didac wanted to be asked when they are finally alone in their bedroom.

 

“Do you think he can’t take care of her for one night?” – He asks back.

 

“Yes, but I didn’t want her to go”

 

“Because you got a scare and wanted to be able to check on her any time you wanted”

 

“Yeah, so what?”

 

“She’s the one who got lost, I thought it might help her to sleep with someone she feels safe with”

 

Ganymedes snorts - “My father?”

 

“She’s only seven, he’s her dad, she feels safe with him”

 

“Yeah, sure, after he left her alone for months. I’m sure that made her trust him”

 

Didac sighs - “She’s not you. She doesn’t even resent him for leaving. She just missed him and now he’s back. Her dad is back.”

 

“Wow, it rhymed, must be true!”

 

“I’m serious, just because you can’t forgive him for being human and needing time off it doesn’t mean he’s a bad person or he shouldn’t be with her”

 

“You…What’s with the sudden change of mind? You were the one who thought we were better off without him!”

 

“Yeah, well, I guess I changed my mind”

 

“Great, one fucking thing we agree on and you changed your mind”

 

Didac shrugs – “I’m very unreliable, so sorry”

 

Ganymedes sits heavily on a bed - “Whatever…”

 

“Oh, are you tired?”

 

Ganymedes glares at him, undoing his tennis’ shoelaces just enough to be able to tug them off, then catches on the saucy smile and smiles back a bit – “Dunno, depending for what”

 

******

 

Lilah is not cook, you will never hear her call herself one, but she does enjoy having something special on occasion. A new year is quite an occasion, especially one with so many people around.

 

Earlier today Alan and the kids talked to their maternal grandparents for quite a bit (after she pointedly suggested it over lunch) and for what he could glean they weren’t best pleased at having been deprived of their company for so long. Or at the news that their grandson sprung on them quite carelessly (and loudly enough to be heard by his father) that he was going to move even furthest away from them for college.

 

Her mother is, of course, coming over, and thus everything needs to be extra-perfect. Lilah doesn’t deceive herself; she knows nothing she does will make it perfect enough for her mother’s taste, not even if she does it exactly as her mother does. For her mother nothing it’s ever good enough and, although Lilah can’t stop caring, she refuses to believe her anymore. So she tries harder, sure, because she loves her and wants her to feel she made an effort, even if she can’t appreciate it for itself and considers the result subpar. Either way, after so long aiming for perfection it’s difficult to do anything sloppily.

 

******

 

“These are the moments when I realize we are really family…” – Didac muses out loud.

 

Ganymedes seems amused - “What? The rest of the time when I call you ‘cousin’ or your mother ‘aunt’ it just goes over your head?”

 

“Well…I guess, it just doesn’t mean so much”

 

“As having the same grandparents?” – His cousin laughs – “You are crazy”

 

“Probably, look at how much time I spend with you”

 

Ganymedes doesn’t think before teasing - “So you are crazy about me?”

 

Didac’s answer is not immediate or natural enough – “You wish”

 

******

 

Their grandmother is not a woman fond of children, or, in fact, of anybody, as Lilah knows well, she can and will find fault in anything. One moment she’s praising Mimesi on how grown up and beautiful she is and the next she’s commenting her manners left a lot to be desired. The girl’s previous smile withers under her own pleased countenance.

 

“Mother” – Lilah says, signaling to Didac with a quick glance in Mimesi’s way. Didac takes the girl into his arms and whispers in her ear – “Granny is a bit crazy”

 

Mimi might be young but she’s not easily deceived - “She is?” – she whispers back.

 

“Yes, you see, it’s like a spell, when she wants to say nice things the spell turns them into bad things”

 

“But she said I had grown up…”

 

“Of course” – Didac tsks - “but she is old, she thinks growing up is a bad thing”

 

Mimesi laughs at that, to his relief, and Ganymedes nears them, sitting down besides them with a weary sigh – “Did you remember she was such a bitch?”

 

“Yes” – Didac assures him – “You two are so lucky to live far away, she visits us like once a month and before she arrives my mum gets terribly stressed”

 

“She didn’t visit when we were living here” – Ganymedes points out.

 

“Nop” – Didac smiles brightly at him – “There was no guestroom available”

 

Ganymedes smiles playfully back - “So that’s why you took such pains to keep me here…”

 

“Are you going to kiss?” – Interrupts Mimi.

 

“Mimi!” – Didac exclaims, blushing.

 

Ganymedes laughs at him – “You’re such a girl!”

 

Didac doesn’t reply to the banter, instead signaling with his head for him to look behind himself. Ganymedes turns and finds his grandmother watching them – “Oh, hello, gran” – He says politely but unworriedly.

 

“I’m glad you two are playing together again” – She smiles brightly.

 

Ganymedes frowns a bit and shakes his head theatrically - “We’re three, gran, Mimi is small but we like to count her as a whole person anyway”

 

Didac smoothers a smile.

 

“Of course she is, but last time I saw you and your cousin together you had a terrible fight about some…game”

 

“Well, we have obviously kissed and made up” – Ganymedes replies, chancing an amused glance at his cousin, who glares at him for a moment before checking on their grandmother, who, of course, doesn’t show any signs of having gleaned anything untoward from their words, present or past.

 

Ganymedes might think this is because she actually hasn’t but Didac knows better, his grandmother won’t acknowledge things she fears. Oh, she might criticize everything but she can bear these faults, not some other things. Never her own faults and never things that truly disgust her or that will turn someone of the family in a social outcast. The only way in which she will be forced to recognize they are involved would be if someone else took it upon themselves to inform her in the presence of enough people so that denying her knowledge would be impossible. Thinking badly is her very nature but always upon evidence, she might see you sneeze and declare it’s a sign of your lack of manners or behold your tears as an act to gain her pity, she will even suggest that the look on your eyes is contemptuous when it’s simply expressing confusion. But she doesn’t intend to drive you away, otherwise, who will she rant about?

 

When he was a kid Didac thought she loved him, what with the time she spend complimenting his skills on things so natural as running. Later he realized that for every time she praised his drawings or his intelligence she would twice point out how he wasn’t polite enough, couldn’t keep his clothes clean and would cry for insignificant matters like a toy when sad things such as the death of herself could befall him!

 

Didac doesn’t tell Ganymedes, what would be the point of explaining how stupidity turns into cruelty when his cousin can dismiss it with a laugh? Knowledge is power, sure, but isn’t this ignorance, the ability to avoid something that might harm you, also a powerful tool?

 

******

After lunch Lilah takes out some photo albums to show her mother, when he makes to get out Didac receives a very pointed look from his mother. Resigned he sits down as far away from his grandmother as he can manage. His uncle is trying to connect his video camera to the television so he can show them all Mimi’s last birthday and his father is at his side, as if his looking were helping somehow. Ganymedes and Mimesi are both looking at the album and combined peal of laughter make Didac look their way only to find them looking at him – “What?” – Then it dawns on him and he looks at his mother in horror – “You are not showing them my baby pictures, are you?”

 

“Well, why wouldn’t she?” – Asks his grandmother – “You were such a beautiful baby”

 

He throws his mother a pleading look but she shrugs. Doesn’t she realise Ganymedes is…? It’s not that he cares what the other boy thinks of him because they are…well, because of what they do, he would be embarrassed to have anyone his own age gawk at him running naked around the house and doing all those ridiculous but endearing things kids do. Honestly, even Mimesi is laughing! He turns and leaves, if his mother is going to ignore him she can’t expect him to stay to be publicly humiliated, now, can she?

 

He’s lost himself into the pages of Bridge to Terabithia soon enough, he’s read is so many times the covers can hardly hold the pages together. This book doesn’t hold just one story for him, there’s the story written on it, of course, but there’s also the memory of Richie tearing it from his hands the first time he read it, when it had been assigned for English class in the third grade. And how he had been terribly annoyed, so annoyed he had lost his team (Richie) the impromptu football match they had organized in the park. In compensation, Richie had said, he had to tell him the story in detail so he wouldn’t have to read it himself. Didac had said the story was great and Richie was an idiot for missing it but he had enjoyed re-telling it anyway.

 

Bridge to Terabithia is also the book he got when his grandfather had died and he couldn’t concentrate on anything new, it hadn’t turned out to be a good idea, the mention of a grandmother in the book itself had made him abandon it and start crying, which he had been trying to avoid in the first place.

 

Bridge to Terabithia, it turns out, it’s also the book he’s holding when his cousin enters the room and, completely out of the blue, announces – “I’m going to come back”

 

Didac lets go of the book(later he will find it under his bed, not much worse for the wear) and sits up - “What?”

 

“My dad said that I could, as long as I passed all my subjects”

 

“But I thought…well, that you had gone back to be with him and Mimi”

 

“I did, and I’m coming back to b…” – He interrupts himself, glances away and then back at him, shrugs – “I’m ok here”

 

“As ok as you can be, you mean”

 

“Yes” – He admits – “But that’s no longer so bad”

 

The way he’s looking at him makes Didac’s skin stand on end, like it was trying to get off his bones and closer to Ganymedes, like it's aching to be touched – “But you’re not coming back now”

 

“No, I need to…apply myself” – He coughs, smiling a bit – “To school, that’s it. If I have to redo the year coming won’t do much good anyway…”

 

“It won’t?”

 

“No, I would be held back a year and you will be my senior, I couldn’t bear the humiliation”

 

“Oh, God, don’t talk to me about humiliation” – Didac pleads.

 

It takes Ganymedes a moment to understand what he means, then he smirks – “Oh, why are you so shy, cousin dear? At five you already had a good ass”

 

******

 

Shock eradicates his smile faster than lightening, he meant to get out of deep waters with that comment and if he’s not mistaken Ganymedes was trying to help him there. Trying being the key word. He’s never before admitted he’s attracted to him directly. Well, ok, he did, when Didac asked him he said he liked him and that he had plenty of evidence, and he has, but he’s also got some evidence on the contrary so… And he knows he enjoys what they do but that doesn’t have anything to with Didac being himself but with him being a boy. He knows it’s silly to expect a teenager boy to be open and direct about his feelings, even lust. He himself is only slightly more sentimental and any girl would think him cold. But deep down he wanted to hear something like this. Something about himself and not about sex, even if ultimately it’s still about sex it’s about sex with him, about wanting him.

 

Maybe from someone else he could have done without (probably not from the first person to touch him intimately), but he’s aware that Ganymedes is quite more attractive than him and therefore could get someone much better suited to him. If whatever they have is no more than sex he would like to know that...that he’s good enough.

 

“Oh, come on, surely you didn’t think I hated your ass, did you?” – Ganymedes has taken a few steps towards him and is looking skeptic.

 

Didac remembers the nail indentations he’s often found there, well, yeah, he’s had clues - “No”

 

“Then why are you looking all surprised?”

 

He shrugs but looks at him, now so close - “I dunno, you had never said something like that about me before”

 

“I hadn’t said anything like that?!” – Ganymedes almost laughs – “I have said much more than that”

 

“Of course you…” – He stops and frowns – “Don’t you know that things said during sex don’t count?”

 

“Why not? Is there any other time you have less reasons to lie?”

 

“You’ve lots of reasons to lie, but anyway, you’re kind of high so it doesn’t count”

 

“What reasons could you have to lie?”

 

“Er…so the other person doesn’t stop?”

 

“As if you could!”

 

“Well, so the other person doesn’t stop having sex with you right after that time”

 

Ganymedes rolls his eyes and doesn’t call him on this – “Do you think that as “high” as I am I can lie?”

 

“It doesn’t matter”

 

“So you don’t care if it’s true?”

 

“If it’s true I don’t see why you can only mention it when you’re coming!”

 

“It’s easier to say it then, but…” – He smirks evilly, apparently not at all aware Didac is starting to lose his nerves – “I didn’t know you wanted to me to tell you…” – By all means he can say it before he comes. He takes another step in his direction so they are almost touching, Didac’s eyes close involuntarily for a moment but he hurries to open them when he realizes they are still almost touching, that’s when Ganymedes whispers, so close he can feel it – “I like the way you moan, like you can’t help yourself. And that time you actually bit me…” – Didac would apologize but his voice sounds too full of rapture for that. Instead, he lifts his hands and pulls the other boy against him. He can’t look at him right then, he wants to hear these things but as with his moans, admitting how much would kill him. Ganymedes doesn’t seem to share his problem, he’s freely and very descriptively talking about that thing Didac does with his thumb… and his lips, because he always bits them too and they are always so red and some other randomly connected and way too embarrassing things about his anatomy and behavior in private. While he talks his hands roam, slowly, caressing, more about comfort and possession than lust. Didac debates between urging him on and letting him speak. But the words, which are getting more and more dirty end up being too much for him and he pushes Ganymedes against the nearest available surface, the closet, and kisses him fiercely.

 

Neither realizes the door’s lock is not on.

 

******

 

The photo albums, which for a while had provided enough entertainment, have gotten progressively more boring as the time goes by and Mimi, as a young kid, is not someone who finds amusement in the same thing for long periods of time anyway. If her dad had managed to make the video work she might have stayed and watched them, TV holds for her the easy and addictive kind of charm that is rarely found elsewhere. But the TV doesn’t have the right connectors or something and her dad and uncle have long ago given up on it and sat down to talk about things she doesn’t understand. Her dad doesn’t even seem to notice when she gets off his lap and runs upstairs.

 

The one who does notice is her grandmother, who suddenly raises her voice above the men conversation to ask where the kids have gotten into. Lilah looks at Mimi’s disappearing back, realizes her nephew isn’t there either and promptly follows the girl. Running, she manages to catch her just in time – “Mimi!”

 

The girl turns to look at her, her hand still on the doorknob - “What?”

 

“Come here, I want to tell you something”

 

“A story?” – Mimi smiles – “You should tell Gany and Didac too!” – she offers up a moment later, and turns the doorknob.

 

******

 

“Did you hear that?” – Ganymedes has just come for the second time, maybe that’s why he’s more aware of his surroundings.

 

Didac almost growls with frustration – “Hear what?”

 

“Your mom calling Mimi” – Ganymedes pushes him away and rushes to the door. He gets there just in time to push it closed when Mimi opens it. The surprised yelp the girl lets out makes him worry he has closed the door on her hand but she hears her voice immediately after and while worried, she doesn’t sound in pain – “Gany? Didac?”

 

Lilah’s voice answers before he has time to - “They will come down for snack right away, they were just having a nap…”

 

******

 

Ganymedes turns around and meets Didac’s wide eyes – “Fuck, that was close…” – He shakes his head, puts on the lock – “Do you need…?”

 

Didac stares at him for a moment, confused as to what he means - “Oh, no, I…I’m fine” – He assures, before getting out of bed and into his shorts and t-shirt in record time – “What are you doing standing there? Didn’t you…?” – He asks, noticing his cousin hasn’t moved.

 

“You want me to like you but God forbid I get to look at you” – Ganymedes interrupts, he’s still, standing with his trousers open, his pants halfway down and no shirt.

 

“You…” – Didac starts, then stops himself – “We can’t do this now, my mom’s going to kill us for not locking the door… God, that was so stupid”

 

Ganymedes drops his gaze and starts to get dressed. The silence is tense in the same way words before were like an open dam, finally, Didac looks up from tying his tennis – “and hot” – He whispers, or tries to, it seems incredibly loud when it leaves his lips. He immediately lowers his eyes but he can feel Ganymedes gaze on his flushed cheeks while he fails to make a loop three times in a row. And although the other boy just gets up and opens the door, he waits for him to get out first so that he can casually brush his fingers against his side. Didac forces himself not to look back, not to try to meet his gaze, but he can’t repress the shiver that courses through him.

 

******

 

Normally their “tea times” don’t involve any tea, of all of them the only one who actually enjoys the beverage is his father but he reserves it for breakfast or nighttime, preferring coffee during the day. Today, of course, it’s different. Didac doesn’t know if their grandmother likes tea but since she doesn’t like most things he would bet she just insists upon having it (on a set she gave his parents for their wedding and that is good as new for lack of use) just to feel posh and make an spectacle of the familial meal. His mom has given Mimi her usual cocoa in her usual blue cup but both Ganymedes and him get finely engraved teacups and offered sugar, Didac asks for two because he knows that’s the usual and since he doesn’t drink tea except when his throat hurts and Lilah forces some on him, he doesn’t know how he likes it. Ganymedes, though, asks for four sugars and two slices of lemon, whose juice he squeezes in his cup without delay. The tiny pause after the first sip is a clear sign of enjoyment, Didac takes a sip of his own cup, as if to check if he’s been confused all along and tea is tasty. It isn’t, although Ganymedes’ probably tastes better, but from that mouth…

 

“Didac” – His mother’s voice grits.

 

He looks away from Ganymedes and realizes they are all looking at him “What?”

 

“Your grandmother asked you how you’re doing in school”

 

“Oh, ok”

 

“Only ok?”

 

“Well, last time I got any grades they were very good but it was months ago so…”

 

“What about that paper you had to work in groups for?” – Lilah chimes in.

 

“We got a B” – He admits with a shrug.

 

“But, Didac” – His grandmother protests, ridiculously dismayed – “How can that be? You’re so intelligent!”

 

“Yeah, well, we made a mistake” – He explains, trying to sound apologetic when he feels he owes no apology. What business it’s of her that he got a B, after all? And besides, what does intelligence has to do with the grades you get for a biology paper?

Research has a lot more to do with it, and he is a good researcher, but his grandmother doesn’t care for the nuances and details that make up reality, just the big words she can throw around. He cares, though, and he’s still annoyed about getting a less than perfect grade after all the hard work Angela, Anne and him put into it. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t let his grandmother say anything else, and, announcing he has homework, flees the room the second time that day.

 

******

 

He doesn’t know what’s wrong with him, why he is so irritable all the time, why things he has always been able to disregard without major effects now suddenly acquire a huge importance. He doesn’t know what’s wrong and thus, cannot fix it. He does his homework instead. He only realizes he’s waiting when dinner time rolls around and Ganymedes still hasn’t come up, his mom knocks and informs him of the time – “Didac, you know how she is, you have to be patient and…”

 

“I know” – He interrupts – “It’s not… She’s not the problem”

 

“Then what is?”

 

“I don’t know, it’s just…” – He shakes his head, frustrated – “I don’t know, I’m nervous and… everything seems so important. I know it isn’t but it almost seems as if people were doing things just to annoy me”

 

“We aren’t” – Lilah assures him.

 

“Uff, I know, mum”

 

Lilah doesn’t say anything else – “Let’s just go down, dinner’s ready”

 

******

Dinner is plentiful, even more than Christmas’ because his dad’s parents have showed up to celebrate with them too. His grandmother reprimands him for untidy eating, even though his mom sat her as far from him that’s hard to believe she can even see what he’s doing. Didac grits his teeth and doesn’t answer, a hand on his knee makes him start and drop his fork, splashing some sauce in his shirt. He turns to glare at Ganymedes but his cousin doesn’t even take his hand away – “Calm down” – he whispers. Didac wants to upturn the salad bowl in his head, he takes the hand off his knee instead and busies himself with salvagement of his shirt. He doesn’t look Ganymedes’ way at all for the rest of the night, and this requires a great deal of his attention, it’s as if his eyes have gotten used to be allowed to look.

 

******

As if to contradict his expectations his cousin seems to understand what’s wrong with him, or thinks he does and seeks him out, which for practical purposes means he gets into the bathroom while he’s having a shower and asks if he is going to stop being an ass anytime before they leave. Didac, remembering their earlier conversation and determined to prove him wrong, doesn’t cower, doesn’t cover, just keeps massaging his skull under the hot water of the shower. He is, of course, quite aware that even though the shower stall it’s transparent it’s also all steamed up. Other undeniable advantage of the shower it’s that over the water he can hardly be expected to hear what the other is saying.

 

This would all work wonderfully if Ganymedes was stupid or cared one bit for his privacy and didn’t open the door a bit to make himself heard and, knowing him, to get a peek.

 

“God, can’t you wait?”

 

“You’re going to run away again if I do”

 

“Naked?”

 

His cousin murmurs something that sounds like “I wish” that he interprets as assent because the stall door is closed immediately after.

 

Didac washes his hair twice, the most remote places of his body, everything to stall, but eventually the water is getting cold and his skin is getting clammy and he turns the shower off – “Pass me my towel, will you?” – He asks.

 

“So you can run away? No way”

 

“I’m not going to run away with just a towel on!” - He complains indignantly.

 

“One can never be too cautious…”

 

“Ganymedes” – He grits out.

 

“I have seen you naked” – The other points out, completely ignoring his reprimand.

 

“I’m cold”

 

“Well, come out here and I will give you the towel”

 

He gets his torso out and extends a hand imperiously.

 

Ganymedes smirks - “You’re still inside”

 

He finally comes out, resisting the urge to cover himself in any manner, his hand still expended, expectant. When Ganymedes doesn’t immediately hand him the towel he presses – “I’m out now”

 

“Yes, you are” – His cousin placidly accepts, his eyes are roaming, making Didac shiver half with self-consciousness, half with fury. He gets the towel out of the rack himself, because Ganymedes doesn’t seem to have any intentions to – “You will better start talking soon” – He suggests bitterly.

 

“I know you’re angry because I’m leaving…”

 

“What?” – He turns around, almost dropping the towel; his front is naked anyway because he had been using it to dry his hair. His blush, though, it’s not caused by shyness but by fury – “God, you really think you’re the center of the world” – He says, casually putting the towel around his hips.

 

“No, I don’t” – Ganymedes is calm, his eyes kept firmly on his face – “If I’m wrong then what are you so angry about?”

 

“I… That’s none of your business” – He finishes, his voice strong to make up for the weakness of his argument.

 

“Well” – Ganymedes says it like it’s a decision he’s taking right then – “I will miss you”

 

Didac stares at him, unable to say a word. He supposes he knew Ganymedes was going to miss him, why come back otherwise? But he certainly didn’t expect to be told, not this directly, not in a way that cannot be later denied or downplayed. He doesn’t know what to say, he’s admitted to caring for Ganymedes before, as…family but this… missing someone because you don’t see them daily? That’s a completely different thing. Didac wouldn’t miss his parents if he didn’t see them for a week! But he knows the second Ganymedes leaves he will be thinking of him and wondering when he will be coming back. It’s not friendship either, he hasn’t seen or talked to Angela since school let out, not even thought of her.

 

“I wish you would stop being so angry” – His cousin continues, realizing, perhaps, that’s he’s not going to say anything – “Whatever you’re angry about” – He adds.

 

This is a topic he has something to say about - “I don’t know” – Ganymedes looks puzzled - “I don’t know why I’m so…” – He doesn’t finish, he’s not angry, more like he’s horribly irritated by everything around him, even air.

 

“Oh” – Ganymedes seems really surprised, does he think he knows everything or what? – “Alright” – He says – “Whatever it is I think I know what can help…”

 

And it’s not that he doesn’t want to, he’s seventeen and male and sex it’s the first thing he thinks about almost always, but he doesn’t think he can do it now, touch and kiss, passionately yes but not violently, when all he wants is to destroy something. His ignorance maybe, or whatever it is that’s bothering him and he can seem to get out of his subconscious long enough to fix… - “No”

 

“No?” – Ganymedes starts, then he frowns – “What’s the problem now?”

 

That’s all Didac needs to explode - “I told you, I don’t know!”

 

And, hell be damned, he gets out of there without even checking first to see if the corridor is empty, his room is just across the hall and it has the much needed lock the bathroom lacks.

 

******

Of course, Ganymedes knows, he will have to come out of their room soon enough to go back to the family gathering downstairs, it’s the last day of the year, after all. The rejection doesn’t hurt less, it’s true, why is Didac suddenly pulling away from him, just when he thought they were…?

 

Even if he has to get out of their room it doesn’t mean he will have to listen to him, all the people downstairs will secure him all the time away from him he could possibly desire. It wouldn’t matter if he did, really, he doesn’t know how to make things right. Only… there’s something, possibly a very difficult and very dangerous something, but a bit of dramatics might be just what Didac needs right now, no matters what he says about self-centeredness, Ganymedes knows a tantrum when he sees one. And if he would like less dramatics instead, well, he’s obviously not going to get that around Didac, and if they required he’d rather be the one causing them.

 

It's early still, four hours until midnight at least, but he finds his father in the back garden, with Mimi sitting on his shoulders so she can better see the fireworks and in lively conversation with his aunt and uncle. He tries but he can’t wait for a pause to but in – “I need to talk to you”

 

“Right now?” – Alan looks startled.

 

“Right now” – Ganymedes echoes.

 

He looks briefly at Lilah and Rick extends his arms to get Mimi off him. Ganymedes doesn’t bother apologizing to them, sure they are used to his lack of manners by now.

 

“Ganymedes, what’s all this about?” – His tone is patently disapproving, but there’s some uncertainty too, like he can tell there must be a reason for the outburst.

 

“I have something to tell you” – He says.

 

“Yes, I got that, by did you need to be so rude? Is that how you plan on getting Lilah and Dick to let you live with them?”

 

“Dad” – He sighs – “Let me worry about that”

 

“I can’t believe you’re not capable of a bit of respect after all they…”

 

“Do you know what I want to tell you?” – Ganymedes interrupts, fear coiling in his chest, if this isn’t news, if this isn’t in his own terms...

 

“No”

 

“Because it seems as if you didn’t want to know…”

 

“It seems as if I’m not going to like it” – Alan admits, letting go of the family matter – “But I want you to tell me if you want to”

 

“Ok” – He breathes deeply – “I’m bi, bisexual” – He doesn’t look away from his father’s surprised face, doesn’t look down, he is not ashamed.

 

His father reacts rather stupidly - “But…how?”

 

“By liking boys besides girls” – Ganymedes answers flippantly.

 

His father frowns - “I’m serious, Ganymedes”

 

“I just…realized it was like that, the same way one day I realized there might be something to girls”

 

“Alright” – He says in his “understanding” tone, the one that didn’t exist before his mum...wasn’t there any longer to really understand – “it’s perfectly normal to experiment when you’re your age and…”

 

“No” – Ganymedes interrupts, softly but firmly – “the experimenting is done, these are the results”

 

Alan needs a moment before he can speak – “Alright” – He smiles weakly – “It’s ok”

 

Ganymedes knows it’s not but he hugs him anyway. When he lets go his father looks at him as if he can’t recognize him – “I can’t believe how much you have changed”

 

“Me neither” – He admits, smiling a bit.

 

******

They go back and watch the fireworks, Didac gets down at some point and then they go have dinner and back to firework watching. Mimi is soon wearied down by all the excitement and Ganymedes takes her from his father’s arms and makes her guess with him which color’s the next firework to appear will be. That way he manages to keep her awake till midnight, when everybody gets back inside to toast and well-wish the year to come. Ganymedes whispers in Mimi’s ear that she should go and kiss everybody, his sister is pretty much asleep on her feet at that point but the way everybody smiles, after startling at the small hands grabbing them, it’s kind of worth carrying her all the way to bed and then staying with her until she actually falls asleep. And he’s not avoiding Didac, clearly, because he has something good to tell him. After so long insisting Ganymedes should come out of his own closet, even his sudden and unexplained bad mood shouldn’t stop him from relishing the news. Of course, not even Didac’s that crazy.

 

When he goes back his cousin is deeply asleep, curled up as if to give as much of his back to the world as he can manage. He’s the only person who would understand how he feels right now, kind of free and kind of scared because what’s he going to with that freedom? He takes a step towards him, then changes his mind and goes and lies on his own bed.

 

******

Didac might be angry and confused and whatever else but in his half-asleep state he still reaches for the person that isn’t there. That is, in fact, what makes him wake enough to identify the keening noise as his alarm clock. He turns it off, wondering why the fuck is it activating at such a ridiculously early hour on holidays.

 

Then he remembers. He gets up and finds some comfortable clothes. It's been too long since he ran regularly but he's never felt like he needed the solitude more. He heads for the park, there's no decisions to make beyond which way to turn, no pressure, nothing but the chilly morning air and the burn in his legs and lungs.

 

******

By lunch time, when Didac shows up looking thoughtful, Ganymedes’s no longer ready to listen to excuses, he’s been waiting since yesterday to tell him his big news, not to mention get some kind of explanation for the little scene in the bathroom.. He demands them now. Didac seems to get the gist of this when he’s pushed flat against the wall and snogged absolutely silly with much more force and teeth than necessary to get him to kiss back. It’s that or beating the crap out of him, although he probably doesn’t appreciate how lucky he is.

 

What he seems to realize it’s that they are in the entry foyer in plain sight, his glazed look seems to snap and he looks around, way too alert for the hard on he’s sporting. Ganymedes ignores that – “Where the fuck have you been?”

 

He frowns, like he can’t imagine why he wants to know - “I went running”

 

“Maybe your mother would have appreciated being told” – Ganymedes says evenly and yes, enjoying the moment of oh-shit that passes through his face, but the relieved sightthat follows it’s too confident to be enjoyed.

 

Didac looks at him, forgetting about being seen - “Thanks”

 

“How do you know I…?” – He cuts himself off.

 

“You just told me”

 

“Boys” – Lilah’s suddenly standing there, looking at them and Didac tenses all over but he doesn’t push Ganymedes away – “Lunch is served” – She says and leaves.

 

Didac lets his head fall back with a thud against the wall, breaths in and out once and asks – “Do you think I can have my body back now?”

 

And Ganymedes just can’t resist that tone coupled with that long line of exposed skin, he leans in to taste it - “Just for lunch” – He concedes magnanimously.

 

It’s hard to care about left-overs, even party left-overs, after that, or maybe, before that. Hard to remember he gave his dad plenty of reason to notice his displays of affection, harder to understand his getting up and hastily excusing himself until he looks back at Didac and realizes his panicked look. If somebody had suspicions that look will confirm them, lucky he doesn’t care.

******

 

Didac waits way too long, in hopes of being discreet or some shit he supposes - “Are you ok?” – He asks hesitantly, closing the door but not getting closer, as if afraid he’ll bite.

 

“I told him” – Ganymedes says, shrugging.

 

“You what?”

 

“I told him” – He repeats – “Well, not all of it, that I was bi”

 

This seems to make some sense to his cousin – “Oh, so that’s why…”

 

“That’s why what? Why he reacted like a pillock when I looked at you a tad too long?”

 

Didac snorts, more amused than mocking - “A tad too long?”

 

Ganymedes can’t help his smile - “Yeah”

 

“I felt uncomfortable with the way you were looking at me, I can’t imagine…”

 

“If you had been a girl he would have found it funny” – Ganymedes interrupts.

 

“God, you just told him and you expect him to just…” – He snaps his fingers - “Be ok with it? Because I have news for you; people don’t work that fast”

 

“Your parents…”

 

“My parents have known for years, years before it became real” – He shakes his head – “He must be wondering if he did something wrong, if this somehow is his fault…”

 

“His fault?” – If Didac hears the warning he feels his voice implies, he ignores it.

 

“Well, yeah, basic psychology, you know? Your parents are the ones who fuck you up the worst”

 

“I mean” – He says pointedly – “there’s nothing wrong that can be anybody’s fault”

 

Didac is silent a moment too long and he can’t hold back the indignation - “You mean you think this…” – he gesticulates wildly between them, he doesn’t even know how much the word implies – “is wrong?”

 

His cousin looks up for a moment - “No” – Before side-stepping his way to his bed.

 

He turns around to follow him - “Then why…”

 

“Because he might feel it isn’t right, because it isn’t right for him” – He lets himself fall backward on the bed – “and you can expect him to respect you and this and whatever choices you make but not to… you can’t expect him to feel it’s right, because he doesn’t get a say on that”

 

“Of course he does! You think your mum was thrilled when she found out? Of course not but she worked at it and realized…”

 

Didac sits up abruptly and cuts him off, an edge to his voice that stops Ganymedes praises on understanding parents short - “Did you see my dad’s face the other day when he found us in his studio? Did you?” – He gets up, moving randomly through the room – “He has got like…well, I don’t know how many years but at least two and he still looked like that and my mum…you don’t know how she’s feeling, she looked ok and she acts as if it’s no big deal but that doesn’t mean it isn’t. That doesn’t mean she’s still not working at it. That’s one of your bigger faults, you know?” – He looks at him, briefly, as if this needs to be said to his face – “You don’t understand what others might be feeling, your own feelings get in the way, less than a year ago you would have thought what we have done was disgusting and now you go and think you have the right to ask people who don’t know what it is like to understand just because you suddenly do” – He sits down again, not breaking his gaze – “And it’s not fair, it’s not fair to scare them so they will learn to cope with it. And what’s worse it’s that is not even going to work, it will just scare them further”

 

“What I’m supposed to do? To be a little good faggot and go hide in a closet where I can’t get in the face of normal people?” – His voice is brimming with fury and frustration and hurt, not like something about to explode but like something that already has done so messily and all over his eyes – “Should I stop looking at you in public? And don’t even dream about kissing or touching you where other people can see? Is that what you want, Didac?” – His voice lowers, like he cannot keep it high enough to scream anymore – “Because you can have it”

 

He slams the door in his way out. It’s not that Didac doesn’t have enough time to stop him. He just doesn’t know how to apologize for the truth, even if he might have said it a little too harshly, or maybe he just can’t get rid of the hope that he won’t have to, that Ganymedes will realize he meant to help, hell, even realize that were his intentions all along. This time not just for a moment or two, not long enough for Didac to believe he trusts him and be disappointed when he proves he doesn’t.

 

******

 

Ganymedes is way too angry to think of anything else, how dare Didac complain? Isn’t his cousin out of the closet thanks to him, after all? It was completely unintentional on his part, sure, but he knows having a reason to be out helped, if not for that he wouldn’t have done it. And after he does it, just like that, without cowering or doubting or any bullshit, this is what he gets? His father acting offended and Didac being on his part. Well, they can go fuck themselves for all he cares, Ganymedes doesn’t need to be understanding about anybody’s prejudices because being prejudiced is what is wrong and sure, they might need time to get over themselves but he doesn’t see why he has to accept that kind of behavior from someone he confided on. Prejudices are the thing to be ashamed of and yes, he expects his father to act the part, to hide what he feels because he rationally understands is completely stupid to feel that way.

 

Didac’s clever enough not to seek out him when he’s like this but Ganymedes is cool as a cucumber by dinner time and his cousin still hasn’t gotten out of their room.

 

******

Didac steals a glance at his cousin, across him the dinner table. He’s been unusually silent, although with their grandmother there nobody else needs utter a word that isn’t “yes”, “salt” or “please”. Maybe it’s got to do with the way his uncle pleaded a headache to stay at his hotel or the worried look his mother couldn’t help throwing his cousin’s way when she told them.

 

It’s not as if Didac doesn’t agree that acceptance and respect is what one should expect from one’s parents when one shares something so intimate with them. But he took, well, had, the time to think of the reasons his parents would have trouble understanding it, not accepting it. He’s never been really worried about acceptance or respect, they are his parents, he doesn’t want them to respect him, he wants them to love him and be proud of him for real. Respect is a fuzzy thing you are forced to give over to strangers with words such as “please” and “excuse me”. He isn’t interested in that kind of politeness, even if he normally adheres to its codes because it makes life easier. And he knows real feelings take time but also that’s worth to wait for them. He will wait for the day his father no longer looks away if he takes another boy’s hand.

 

He doesn’t bother to dissimulate he’s following Ganymedes upstairs and when Mimi makes to follow he gives her a hug and tells her she can’t come with them. She gives him a way-too-knowing smile and runs back directly into his mom’s lap. He seriously hopes neither of them have any idea of what goes on in his bed.

 

Ganymedes is sitting on it, looking through the window but obviously waiting for him, Didac sits next to him, not locking the door (he almost wishes their grandmother would walk in on them) and puts a hand on his knee. Ganymedes looks back at him, apparently surprised by the gesture, he doesn’t seem angry anymore. They both start to speak at once – “Look…” “I know…” – and then smile at each other as their words overlap.

 

“Go on” – His cousin says, when he tilts his head forward to indicate just that his hair brushes against Didac’s cheek.

 

He swallows – “I know he’s acting like a dick, ok? I’m not saying he’s right just… give him some time to adjust”

 

“He didn’t need to embarrass me in front of everybody” – Ganymedes says, almost pouting – “Just because I was…a little too overlty…” – He stops himself and shrugs but Didac’s heart rate doesn’t care, they speak the same language, they know which word was going to follow.

 

“No, that’s what I meant by dick”

 

Ganymedes smiles playfully at him - “Should we use that word in bad way? I mean, we like dick”

 

Didac laughs but pleads - “That word traumatized me” – at Ganymedes’ blank look he explains – “My dad’s nickname?”

 

Understanding and then laugher illuminate his cousin’s face – “But, hey, it could be your nickname”

 

“God, shut up”- he gasps with laughter and leans in to kiss him but Ganymedes, anticipating it, moves forward too and they end up bumping noses instead. It doesn’t change much, the wrestling match that ensues ends with a kiss anyway.

 

******

Didac lies awake, orgasm is normally a very nice way to be put to sleep but it’s early and even though Ganymedes is right here in his bed he can’t help but wish… And then Ganymedes turns and he has to scramble not to fall off the bed. Well, a bigger bed wouldn't go amiss either. 

 

Just for that his cousin gets woken up with a tickling attack.

 

 

******

"It's your turn to visit next"

 

"What?"

 

"Visit me... us" - Ganymedes clarifies - "When's your prom?"

 

"April...30, I think"

 

"Ok... So Easter is April 8, your prom is April 30, oh, and Mimi's birthday is the 28... You're not gonna make it. Anyway, my prom is May 8th, that probably means you will be done with school first..."

 

"3rd of June"

 

Ganymedes essays a dejected sigh and blinks dramatically - "And I so wanted you to bring me a corse!"

 

Didac snorts - "When are you done, then?"

 

"The fifteen."

 

"Mmm...Almost two weeks, sucks to be you"

 

"Yeah, and I need to study, too."

 

"And you will, right?" - Didac checks.

 

Ganymedes meets his eyes, looking thoughtful - "I think so". He shakes his head - "Anyway, you totally have to come for Easter, at least"

 

"I'm not sure... I mean" - He looks away and then slowly explains - "I thought that since you will have to stay all summer maybe I could..."

 

"Really? All summer?" - Didac risks a glance at him, his cousin is smiling brilliantly at him.

 

He shrugs - "If my parents let me. And your Dad, too."

 

Ganymedes waves his hand dismissively - "Don't worry about my Dad, I doubt he will even take us anywhere"

"Why do you always imagine the worst?"

"Experience?" - Ganymedes smirks - "Besides, it's not the worst, I'm imagining you... coming to visit, after all."

That pause makes Didac smile knowingly back at him. Ganymedes rolls his eyes at him - "Whatever"

"We should talk to them about it" - He says when Mimi comes in to announce dinner.

****  
Lilah casually asks her son if he’s going to the prom party.

“Sure, it’s the prom, after all, why wouldn’t I go?”

“Well, you’re supposed to bring a date and you said your friends didn’t know you’re gay and since you probably won’t talk to them again after this they didn’t need to find out”

Didac shrugs and avoids the problem - “I will go stag”

His eyes widen when his father comments - “That kind of defeats the point”

“er…it does?”

“Yeah, you go stag to find someone at the party not so you don’t have to find someone”

“Well, what I’m supposed to do? Go ahead and propose one of my classmates out of the blue? Go with a girl?” – He adds with distaste.

“Since you say you aren’t going to see them again you may as well have them find out, nothing to lose”

“I’d still be going stag”

“Didac” – His father snorts – “I have seen the statistics, you are not the only gay boy in your school”

“That doesn’t mean I know of any others or that they would want to go with me if I asked. If I wanted to ask” – He adds.

That seems to shut him up, but his mother is not so easily deterred - “That means going stag is a choice”

“Haven’t I just said I don’t know anybody else who’s gay?”

“You have almost four weeks to find them”

“I’m not that desperate”

“So you wouldn’t like to meet someone else who has gone through similar experiences like most humans do… Interesting”

“Being gay is not… it’s not me” – Didac protests, how to express the dissatisfaction it causes him that his attraction to males be taken as the most relevant part of his being?

“Of course it’s not you” – Lilah assures him and he peers at her suspiciously, wondering if she’s been reading the copy of “Parental guide to pink teenagers” he found in the coffee table the other day.

“Could you let me have my crisis without forestalling them all? I don’t need you to tell me how I feel!” – He has no idea why his voice went higher than he planned.

His mother seems surprised too – “Ok” – She accepts.

“Could you put the table? Your cousins and your uncle will be back soon” – His father asks, with finality.

And that, he realizes, is not the reaction he was hoping for.

 

****

Ganymedes decides that it will do well to appear to have thought through his own decision, as his aunt promised to do with her last time they spoke. He hasn’t, of course, there’s no need to rethink something that has little to do with thinking in the first place, and so he waits till the day before leaving to ask to talk to her in private - “I still want to stay, now” – He explains, looking directly at her, eager to prove himself.

 

“What did you father say?”

 

“You know what he said” – He huffs – “That I should pass at home and them come back”

 

“I agree with him but you can come back after, if you want”

 

He blinks - “You don’t…? You don’t think it’s a bad idea anymore?”

 

“I think you should make your own decisions, I’ve told you what I think, now it’s up to you. Within reason.”

That’s not the impression he left with last time they discussed the subject but it’s not been so long and he can see she wanted to force him to think about what he should do instead of forcing him to do what she thinks he should do. He looks away, remembering - “My mother could never let me do that…” 

“She had a hard time letting go of things she loved or accepting anybody else could do things as well as her” – She’s not looking at him either.

Something clicks - “That’s why she didn’t let me stay when we went back early that Easter…” 

His aunt confused - “What?” 

“That Easter dad got called back…I was like ten or something and I was really excited about going mountain-biking with Didac and uncle Rick. You said I could stay but she refused for some stupid reason of hers”

Lilah frowns, trying to recall - “Yeah…I remember” 

“She didn’t let me go to camp till I was fourteen either”

“She loved you”

“Too much”

“Didn’t you?”

“Me what?”

“Love her too much”

That makes him stop reminiscing his childhood and think of the last year instead – “Yeah, I guess I did”

“I love Didac too, I just… I guess I’m better at letting go”

He snorts - “You just trust him because he always tells you everything”

Lilah raises an eyebrow – “Oh, of course, like he told me he was gay”

“Everything that could make you worry. Knowing him, I bet he didn’t tell you that so that you won’t have to worry about it”

She sighs - “I think it’s more likely he thought we wouldn’t accept him if he told us”

“But you have…?”

 

She turns sharply - “Of course!” 

“So uncle Dick it’s alright with it…” – Ganymedes suppresses the smile that tugs at his lips every time he uses the nickname. He doesn’t tell her about what happened in the studio, he can talk to Lilah about her relationship with Didac because she talks to him about his with his father, but her relationship with her husband it’s out limits. 

“He loves Didac”

“And you don’t ever try to overcompensate?”

“Overcompensate for what?” 

“For what he lacks”

“He doesn’t lack anything”

“You think he has a harder time than other people adjusting, that he needs extra help and he notices the difference” 

“I just try to help him out with the things I think he might need help with” 

“Because he doesn’t know how to ask?” 

“He never did, did he?”

“Maybe he doesn’t need help”

“Maybe he doesn’t ask when he needs help either. I do what I can”

“Oh, come on, he doesn’t need help to find a date for the prom!” – Ganymedes says firmly.

 

“Why? Are you going with him?”

 

He shrugs and tries to appear indifferent - “I would, if he asked” He isn’t, of course, indifferent, but he’s finally realized what really Didac needs help with it’s helping himself. It’s his prom and Ganymedes is damned if he’s gonna ask to go, if his cousin wants something he’s gonna have to do something about it himself, Ganymedes is done dragging him around.

 

“But he hasn’t”

 

“It doesn’t matter, that’s not the point. This is not something you can help with, he needs to learn to take risks, and you too, with this at least”

 

“I thought you said I knew how?”

 

“You did but now you seem to think he needs to be coddled! He can stand up, you just…need to let him”

 

“So everything it’s my fault…” – Lilah concludes, darkly amused.

 

Ganymedes smiles at her - “Isn’t that why people have mothers? Deep down everything he will ever do it’s your fault”

 

“Handy, that”

 

“Yeah, well, you get credit for the good stuff too”

 

 

******

 

 

******

 

"I could help" - Didac blurts out - "I mean... probably not through the phone but..."

 

 

"Hello, Didac" - His uncle says, smiling. Mimi stumbles, then attaches herself to his legs and middle. Didac nods at him and drops to his knees to give the girl a hug - "Hey there, missed me?"

 

"Definitely" - Ganymedes assures him, Didac looks up at him, trying to keep his expression somehow neutral. Ganymedes' hair is shorter but he's slouching and smiling, he looks happy.

 

"I thought you had to study" - He says, disentangling himself gently by pointing out they need to walk so they can go home and he can see her room. His eyes never leave her brother, though.

 

Ganymedes shrugs - "Knowledge will keep for another hour"

 

"God" - There's a smack and Didac turns to see his uncle laughing - "I can't believe I didn't see it."

 

Ganymedes tries to scowl at his father but his lips won't obey him and his eyes are still shining - "You are remarkably oblivious" - He says, instead, sagely - "Mum always says so."

 

"What's ob..blius? - Mimi interrupts.

 

"It means he doesn't notice stuff" - Didac tells her. He lowers his voice to exemplify - "You know how you knew Ganymedes liked me? Well, he didn't and that's being oblivious"

 

 

"Mim!" - Ganymedes jumps - "Check out that place, I think they have those green fries you like so much"

 

Mimesi looks skeptic - "You said they weren't making them anymore."

 

"Well... I see them there." - He points but the kiosk is too far to see where he's pointing.

 

"Can I go?" - She asks her father.

 

"We will see you there, then" - Ganymedes tells them before Alan even answers her, and drags Didac away.

 

Didac laughs at him all the way to the closest out-of-view corner - "That was remarkably obvious"

 

"Who cares?" - Ganymedes huffs, before pushing him against the wall and cupping his face to angle it right for a long kiss.

 

It's Kiss the girl that rouses them from the make-out session. Ganymedes cell is ringing, Didac is whizzing with laugher and still out of breath from their previous activities.

 

"Yeah, yeah, we are coming, right now" - Ganymedes promises. Then he has to turn end the call because Didac is chocking.

 

"God, what's gotten into you? Is it the heights that do it? Or it's the new thing? Laughing at every stupid pun ever?"

 

Didac breathes deeply a few times, he's still flushed and pressing his lips together between words - "I'm fine now."

He’s more than fine, he’s happy.  
******

Getting Didac to meet Seven is like winning the lottery. Twice. She's shocked when he shows up and tugs and Didac's sleeve to keep him from wondering in the wrong direction. He is shock when he says - "Here you have him, Sev, my boyfriend."

Of course, Seven does seem a bit skeptic when Didac googles at him but once he gets over his surprise he does help him out - "No, it's true, just... I didn't know he was going to tell you."

"Michael" - Seven calls out - "Come here, there's someone you will like to meet"

Michael ambles over, the stiff shoulders making it clear he's spotted Ganymedes - "This is Ganymedes' boyfriend Didac" - She says, rising her eyebrows meaningfully at him. She turns to Didac - "This is my boy, Michael. Gan's been playing him since he came back" - He meets Michaels' eyes - "I thought he would like to know he hasn't got anything to worry about anymore"

Michael rolls his eyes - "I wasn't worried" - He tells Seven - "I was uncomfortable because your ex was pinching my ass"

 

Didac raises his eyebrows and comments - "I thought it was Ganymedes but obviously it's a Chicago thing."

 

"What thing?"

 

"You know, crazy and overdramatic"

 

"It's not a Chigaco thing" - Seven laughs - "It's a drama club thing"

 

Didac turns to look at his cousin - "Seriously? Drama club? You?"

 

"Oh, Didac, the things you don't know about this guy..." - She shakes her head with fake-sadness but her smile is pure evil.

 

So, ok, maybe it wasn't such a good idea. Ganymedes can admit when he's wrong.

 

*****

Didac keeps looking at him all the way back, he's not doing it intentionally. But he just got asked out, or... well, he was basically told that he had already been asked and he had accepted. He can't in good faith say it's no true but he can't help the flush of satisfaction he felt at hearing Ganymedes say it.

 

"Oh, god" - Ganymedes suddenly cracks and turns to look back at him - "You're never gonna let it go, are you?"

 

He plays innocent, although he doesn't imagine his grin doesn't give him away - "Let what go?" But Ganymedes seems relieved, like he... - "You thought I was gonna object?"

 

"I thought maybe you would start again about living in different states." - Ganymedes admits. And it's the truth, if maybe not all of it.

 

Didac laughs - "No way, you can have long-distance boyfriends, what you can't have is long-distance fuck-buddies"

 

Ganymedes stares at him - "Oh, of course, the name makes all the difference" - He snorts.

***

It's too late, though, Didac and Seven somehow end up emailing each other. It's very obvious they talk about him, possibly just about him, because his cousin keeps coming up to him and asking to be told about his and that time, and they are Seven stories because they are fucking embarrassing. 

 

"I shouldn't tell her, right?"

 

"Tell her what?"

 

"That we're related"

 

"Does it matter? I mean, it's not like we're gonna have kids. I mean, hypothetically, what's the harm here? And it's not like we're brothers or something."

 

"No, I'm...I'm not really worried about it. The way I see it we're hardly cousins, they way we hardly ever saw each but... Well, she's important to you and she might not agree"

 

He's really thought about that, unlike Ganymedes. "Tell her, I'm not getting out of one closet to get into another."

 

Didac nods and he has a sudden thought - "Although, you could skip the embarrassing baby stories. Like, you should, if you ever want to get laid again"

 

"Mmm... I would have never thought of that on my own. And I bet my mum knows a load of those. And I'm sure your dad wouldn't remember the rule about not telling the boyfriend with me, either"

 

"Not. laid. ever. again."

****

If Didac tells Seven any embarrassing stories then Ganymedes doesn't have the inclination to worry about it, she doesn't say anything, just makes charged insinuations which he answers by reminding her of how Michael doesn't know anything about her seventh birthday party (a particularly traumatic event when your parents name you after a number but especially so when they still think it’s reason for celebration almost a decade later). But Didac? Didac talks so much he can’t figure out why he isn’t losing his voice, it's like suddenly he's been given permission to bring up more intimate topics and he thinks it's gonna run out soon. When he goes back home after Easter hols Ganymedes discovers his typing speech's gone up the ceiling. And then something occurs to Ganymedes.  
20:23:04 Ganymedes . “Courage is the price life extracts for Peace” says: Is this your way of keeping me from cheating on you?  
Seven would kick him, god, he wants to kick himself.

Didac says: What?

G says: It's just... since we said we were dating it's like you don't talk about anything else.

D says: Of course I do!

G says: Well, yes, we talked about my homework, sure.

But I don't even know what book you're reading

D says: You *want* to know what book I'm reading?

G says: That's not the point!

The point is that normally you would tell me all about it, now we're talking about... well, my childhood!

D says: Well, excuse me for being interested.

G says: Those aren't the important parts.

D says: No? Really? I hadn't NOTICED.

G says: Then why are you so interested?

D says: God, you're so THICK.

I'm interested because it's the only parts I get to know! I have told you about everything important that ever happened to me but god forbid *you* tell me anything that doesn't make you look dashing and cool.

It's a tough choice between being flattered and laughing at him.

G says: Uff... What do you want to know?

Now, that Didac really didn't expect.  
D says: Well...what do you want to tell me?  
G says: Are you kidding me? I obviously don't want to tell you, not about what you want to know, not about when it sucked and hurt and I didn't think I was gonna make it. If you wanna know you will have to fucking ask.  
God. This was probably a terrible idea, doing this here, when they can't touch to comfort, how is Didac supposed to say the right thing when he only has words to communicate with?  
D says: Ok, ok, I just... You don't have to tell me. I don't want to make you suffer, you know? I just feel like I'm playing blind here. I don't even know what not to ask.

G says: I will try.

To tell you stuff, I mean.

D says: Ok, thanks. 

G says: Now... I think we should have cyber-sex to relieve the tension!

D says: Ganymedes!

G says: I also think you should find something else to call me, you can't always feel that reproving about what I say.

D says: You want a nickname?

G says: No!, Just, you know, my name is quite long, you could abbreviate. People do that.

D says: Oh...yeah, lemme think. What about...?

And that’s how Ganymedes ends up with a list of all the ways his name can be abbreviated or, Didac’s word, cute’d up.

His revenge has to wait until the summer holiday and the next time (well, it’s actually the third time since Didac arrived before he remembers) he has Didac gasping under him, though – “Say my name” – He asks, letting Didac breathe for the first time in minutes. Didac obeys, though, because he stops stroking – “G..Gan…Ganymedes”

His shit-eating grin tips the other off, he laughs – “I can’t believe how far…” – He shakes his head, still winded.

***

He never abbreviates his name unthinkingly, though, he says “Gan” shyly, meaningfully, never casual or annoyed. It’s obvious “Gan” is not Ganymedes’ name but a term of endearment. Ganymedes never tells him “Don’t be a dick, Didac” and that is a show of affection, too, because just thinking about it makes him smile. It’s not something Didac knows about, though, so sometimes he says “my boyfriend” more than it’s reasonable just to see him do that weird combination of a blush and a pleased smile. He can tell Seven thinks they are totally adorable and he doesn’t even care.

He never tells him how he felt when his mother was sick, or after, when she was gone. But he asks him to come with him when he does the spell to talk to her for those few precious minutes the next year. Didac is silent and solemn, looking whiter than the ghost, but he doesn’t object and afterwards, when Ganymedes tells him what they would all do together on her birthday (Art Galleries, fine dining and cheap Italian gelato) and his (Steak, paintball or horse-riding) and just every other Saturday evening (lazing in the couch watching reruns on tv and brownies, sometimes home-made), he listens attentively.

He doesn’t mind that Seven’s more likely than not filling in the gaps, she hasn’t mentioned the whole related thing, and he… he still loves her and if she doesn’t still love him she’s making a great show of it. He never thought he would have to give her up when he had her and now he could, but he still doesn’t want to. It feels as if he’s almost himself again, as if the space his mother occupied is slowly shrinking back to what it was when she was alive, slowly it’s stopped shadowing everything else: his father and Mimi and Seven and every single thing in the world that’s no longer meaningless because she’s no longer with him. 

****

Didac doesn’t really tell Ganymedes everything important that happens to him. Well, not right away, he doesn’t tell him about the book he’s reading because he showed up with “Maurice” at the latest Library Club meeting and Katrina hmm at it and said – “I really liked The Well of Loneliness, better, Didac, I mean, as far as LGBT classics are concerned.”

“You liked The Well better because it was about a woman” – Amy J. tells her mockingly.

Katrina denies it vehemently - “No, it was just better, why can’t it be just better? I mean, I’m not saying either of them it’s the best book ever or anything but…”

Albert clears his throat – “Mmm… so which one are we reading?”

“I don’t really care” – Didac admits – “I haven’t read the other one, I didn’t think Maurice wasn’t good but the ending… well, whatever you want is fine.”

Angela sitting across from him looks startled - “Oh”. Of course, you don’t present books you haven’t absolutely adored to the L Club. Didac can feel his cheeks burning.

“Wait, we weren’t supposed to know?” – Ray asks. Didac turns to him, and his confusion must be obvious because Ray shrugs - “Sorry, dude, I saw you snogging your cousin like, ten times.”

Didac can’t breathe - “You…”

“Woa, calm down” – Albert jumps in - “It was only once, and we stayed late… I’m sure nobody else saw you!”

Angela must have gotten up when he wasn’t looking because she’s suddenly by his side, taking his elbow and murmuring - “Are you ok? You look pale.”

Katrina huffs heartily – “Didac, would you stop overreacting? You couldn’t really think we would think or say anything bad about you being gay, right? Not after all this time!”

Didac breathes deeply, he really doesn’t know what he thought, these people are his friends, he knows them, he knows what they think about people who’re different, they are different, they are here every week, choosing to think about things they could ignore, choosing to imagine things that have never happened together and wonder how far one can go and stay human - “You are right, I don’t know what I was thinking”. He glances at the younger kids but Johann is doing homework, like he always does when there’s a lull on the discussion or he’s not interested in it, and Marianne and Clodagh are simply looking on, her expressions not very different than the ones they sport when novels are being dissected. When he meets her gaze Marianne gets up and announces – “I will go get you some water.”

Then Clodagh jumps up with one of her triumphal little yips – “ha! I just remembered what’s called! The Geography Club!”

“What?” – Various people ask.

“There’s this book about this club for gay people, only it’s not just for gay people because it’s for all the people that feel they don’t belong anywhere else. And it’s a Geography club because then nobody will want to join, you know?”

Johann looks up from his notes to remark - “I like geography”

And then both homosexuality and books have to be postponed because Clodagh and Johann get into yet another tiffy about which one of them is smarter and which subjects suck more. All in all it goes rather well, Didac thinks, even if after that Katrina insists they diversify their reading habits to include all kinds of sexualities and cultures.

****

A summer spent making up on every single subject he takes should drag more, Ganymedes thinks, but he’s got an in-home tutor who gives him blow-jobs if he gets all the answers right and pushes him out of bed in the mornings so he can go to class, so all in all it’s not so hard. Even if he’s never been more bruised up in his life.

His father does take Mimesi somewhere, to visit Didac’s parents in a beach resort somewhere in Florida. Ganymedes honestly can’t find it in himself to care when he spends the whole week running naked around the home and tackling Didac into the swimming pool in the middle of the night. It’s one of those nights that Didac swallows, shifts uncomfortably in his seat on one of the reclining chairs and mumbles a promise.

“What?”

His cousin looks up, determined and blushing crimson - “You can fuck me if you pass”

Ganymedes gapes at him, it’s not like he didn’t think about it but… - “I…” – He chokes, after almost a minute of watching Didac get more and more uncomfortable he confesses – “I’m not sure if that’s gonna be more of a..an incentive or a distraction” –and kisses him until they need to do something besides kissing.

***

They are once again in Didac’s bedroom. Theirs now, really. Because he’s there to stay. Mimesi is in the next room over and his father (well, his secretary) is looking for a house in the neighborhood.

Didac is sleepily nuzzling Ganymedes’ neck, worn out after coming twice but still skin-hungry after the months long separation and Ganymedes isn’t complaining so….

"Didac"

"What?"

Ganymedes smiles smugly – “I told you”

“You told me what?”

“That there was always romance”

Didac laughs.

 

** The End **

Finished first draft: 19.04.2009

**Author's Note:**

> I finished this in 2006, 6 years ago when I was myself 19 and I can really tell but I don't want to rewrite it any more, I'm still willing to be anal about typos, though, if you want to point any out :p   
> Hope it´s been a fun read for you!


End file.
